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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709138" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My whole life I have dealt with people (and tried to avoid them) like this. My sister lacks empathy and she is vindictive. As a child and adult she has been cruel like this. To recall the things she has done even in the last 5 years, I could not bear to recount. I think this is where the concept of evil applies. We are all capable of it. We choose not to</p><p></p><p>And then there are people like your sons whose DNA is to take responsibility, to do right, to take the hits, even when they are not theirs to take. Middle son takes on responsibility for everything. I guess you and I do that too.</p><p></p><p>I do not know where this comes from, this sense of martyrdom, that sacrifices the self, except sometimes I think we unconsciously decide to take the hit, so that we spare the other person. Your middle son must feel on some level that he is responsible, because he stuck up for himself, for you with his elder brother. He seems to do whatever he can to renounce himself, as penance.</p><p>For this, I mean. All middle son did was to set a boundary, it seems.</p><p>This is ridiculous, Feeling. You could never have done this, and he very much would have found it out. You cannot live based on lies, even more than you were able to live as you were.</p><p>After a couple of years with my stomach pain gone I am in unbearable and constant pain. Gastritis they call it. And I get heartburn. It feels like I have pure acid boiling in my digestive symptom. It appeared just like that. And I am back in bed. Completely.</p><p></p><p>Did I tell you last night that M let my son stay until the end of the week? I did not know. There was a momentary sense of relief, but only momentary. I have so much rage at my son. I am enraged particularly that he lies to me about the antiviral. That he tried to manipulate me with the fantasy that he decided to take it. (Meanwhile all along the doctor it seems had been urging it--to corroborate something else, he showed me the write up of his visit.) All along he had been lying to me. Telling me the hepatologist was waiting to see the trend. All lies.</p><p></p><p>When somebody betrays themselves and you, about something that is life and death, but also reveals their awareness of how much you suffer--that is my son. My son told M:<em> I decided to take the antiviral because it will make my mother feel better.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Nothing but a power play. Pure theater. He knew all along that he needed that antiviral. He knew that who he was killing along with himself, was me.</p><p></p><p>If my son was not so foolish, I would say he was evil. Maybe this is what my gut is reacting to. This contradiction. I seem to love somebody with all my heart that is indifferent to me, indeed, inflicts on to me unending cruelty. It seems to be the story of my life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709138, member: 18958"] My whole life I have dealt with people (and tried to avoid them) like this. My sister lacks empathy and she is vindictive. As a child and adult she has been cruel like this. To recall the things she has done even in the last 5 years, I could not bear to recount. I think this is where the concept of evil applies. We are all capable of it. We choose not to And then there are people like your sons whose DNA is to take responsibility, to do right, to take the hits, even when they are not theirs to take. Middle son takes on responsibility for everything. I guess you and I do that too. I do not know where this comes from, this sense of martyrdom, that sacrifices the self, except sometimes I think we unconsciously decide to take the hit, so that we spare the other person. Your middle son must feel on some level that he is responsible, because he stuck up for himself, for you with his elder brother. He seems to do whatever he can to renounce himself, as penance. For this, I mean. All middle son did was to set a boundary, it seems. This is ridiculous, Feeling. You could never have done this, and he very much would have found it out. You cannot live based on lies, even more than you were able to live as you were. After a couple of years with my stomach pain gone I am in unbearable and constant pain. Gastritis they call it. And I get heartburn. It feels like I have pure acid boiling in my digestive symptom. It appeared just like that. And I am back in bed. Completely. Did I tell you last night that M let my son stay until the end of the week? I did not know. There was a momentary sense of relief, but only momentary. I have so much rage at my son. I am enraged particularly that he lies to me about the antiviral. That he tried to manipulate me with the fantasy that he decided to take it. (Meanwhile all along the doctor it seems had been urging it--to corroborate something else, he showed me the write up of his visit.) All along he had been lying to me. Telling me the hepatologist was waiting to see the trend. All lies. When somebody betrays themselves and you, about something that is life and death, but also reveals their awareness of how much you suffer--that is my son. My son told M:[I] I decided to take the antiviral because it will make my mother feel better. [/I] Nothing but a power play. Pure theater. He knew all along that he needed that antiviral. He knew that who he was killing along with himself, was me. If my son was not so foolish, I would say he was evil. Maybe this is what my gut is reacting to. This contradiction. I seem to love somebody with all my heart that is indifferent to me, indeed, inflicts on to me unending cruelty. It seems to be the story of my life. [/QUOTE]
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