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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 709448" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>While I am at work, I dont have as much time to dwell on things. My students make me laugh all of the time and, yes, it is very rewarding and challenging.</p><p></p><p>But when I am alone, I find it difficult to feel happy. I try to think back to a time in my childhood...before my sister became schizophrenic and started to threaten to kill me. </p><p></p><p>My best memory is walking across the school playground in Bel Air wearing a sparkly princess costume for the Halloween Carnival. I was truly happy. I had no fears. I liked my life.</p><p></p><p>I try to think of those times to get to a happy perspective. I was carefree then. Free of care...</p><p></p><p>My best friend lost her son at age 10 after battling Leukemia for 4 years. I feel badly when I moan and groan too much to her. My life is easier. My son lived 23 years before he became schizophrenic. My son is alive.</p><p></p><p>But, I quickly counter my internal argument with the fact that I probably will never see my son ever again and he is living in a tortured reality.</p><p></p><p>I feel responsible for my son. Yes, my lousy genetics. But, mostly by the fact that I am his mother. He did not ask to be mentally ill. He does not realize that he is ill. He did not deserve it.</p><p></p><p>But, my friend's little boy didn't deserve Leukemia.</p><p></p><p>I am mad at life.</p><p></p><p>I am driving up the coast tomorrow. Copa, I buy too many things as well. Probably for that brief jolt of serotonin or adrenaline and a distraction from my grief. </p><p></p><p>Do I own my belongings, or do they 'own' me? I am annoyed at the clutter. I am trying to focus on nature and gardening.</p><p></p><p>I have a rule that I cannot buy anything less than 100 years old for decor. It doesn't slow me down one bit....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 709448, member: 19245"] While I am at work, I dont have as much time to dwell on things. My students make me laugh all of the time and, yes, it is very rewarding and challenging. But when I am alone, I find it difficult to feel happy. I try to think back to a time in my childhood...before my sister became schizophrenic and started to threaten to kill me. My best memory is walking across the school playground in Bel Air wearing a sparkly princess costume for the Halloween Carnival. I was truly happy. I had no fears. I liked my life. I try to think of those times to get to a happy perspective. I was carefree then. Free of care... My best friend lost her son at age 10 after battling Leukemia for 4 years. I feel badly when I moan and groan too much to her. My life is easier. My son lived 23 years before he became schizophrenic. My son is alive. But, I quickly counter my internal argument with the fact that I probably will never see my son ever again and he is living in a tortured reality. I feel responsible for my son. Yes, my lousy genetics. But, mostly by the fact that I am his mother. He did not ask to be mentally ill. He does not realize that he is ill. He did not deserve it. But, my friend's little boy didn't deserve Leukemia. I am mad at life. I am driving up the coast tomorrow. Copa, I buy too many things as well. Probably for that brief jolt of serotonin or adrenaline and a distraction from my grief. Do I own my belongings, or do they 'own' me? I am annoyed at the clutter. I am trying to focus on nature and gardening. I have a rule that I cannot buy anything less than 100 years old for decor. It doesn't slow me down one bit.... [/QUOTE]
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