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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710513" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>What you can ask yourself about going north to search out son is this: how it felt for you to go North to search out your oldest son, when he was in Seattle was it? And you went round and round the blocks where you thought he would be, to no avail? We do not even know if he had seen you...and remained concealed.</p><p></p><p>Did it give you a sense of peace, that you were close to him? Did you feel more convinced that he was OK? Did it make you feel that your presence in some way accelerated his return home? Were you better able as a result to deal with the uncertainty and the fear and pain of this? Only you know.</p><p></p><p>But to go and circle aimlessly, spending your strength, your stamina, your hope, your time--to put tokens in a meaningless slot machine--in a mindless and fruitless spending of yourself, with nothing accruing to you in return, what would that be Feeling? Would that be self-betrayal, a deposit to the gods so they see your pound of flesh? Or would it be an act of devotion and restoration?</p><p></p><p>Nobody but you can know.</p><p></p><p>I would so like you to spend your accrued time in nourishing you. In permitting yourself a trip of healing, of renewal, of hope. Whatever that would be for you. A spa in the Rockies of Colorado. An island beach. The John C Campbell Folk School I think it is in the Ozarks. An Alaska cruise. Or what I would do in a heartbeat is go to Calistoga in the wine country and sit in the hot sulfurous water. That is my idea of paradise. And not too expensive. Everything, would be within 2 blocks away. Modest restaurants or 4 stars. Wine tasting. Calistoga is my idea of paradise. The weather would be so beautiful this time of year. You could text your son and ask him to meet you. He could take the bus to San Jose and then the train. Or not. But you would be going for you. We should not be so willing for self-sacrifice, I think, Feeling.</p><p></p><p>Five days spent fueling yourself, not depleting yourself in a futile exercise of wandering in circles, and suffering. That is what I think. Only you know.</p><p></p><p>There is a Zen Center in Carmel Valley which is half an hour from where you son is. Have you seen Carmel Valley? It is very beautiful. Or Big Sur would be maybe an hour and a half South. Breathtaking. The movie "The Sandpipers" with Elizabeth Taylor was filmed there. There is a nice and not too expensive motel somebody told me about in Carmel by the Sea called The Normandy, I think. I believe it is family owned. I took knitting lessons a couple of blocks from there. Oh. And Asilomar. The conference center at Pacific Grove. As far as I am aware they open it up to individuals some weeks. They provide meals (you have probably been there for a conference.) And it is right on the beach. I would not go there. It would be too cool to be on the beach. But there are lots of antique stores within a couple of miles and a very nice yarn store. And restaurants.</p><p></p><p>If you could go there and relax and feel his presence, and be calmed by it, that would be one thing. You get my drift.</p><p></p><p>Of all the options, I would pick Calistoga. How I love Calistoga. I have not been for perhaps 25 years. Napa Valley is so, so beautiful and Calistoga sits at the Northern, secluded end.</p><p></p><p>Feeling. There will come a time when you begin to choose for yourself. You are getting closer and closer. There is the realization that to choose yourself is to choose your sons. And maybe I am getting closer too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710513, member: 18958"] What you can ask yourself about going north to search out son is this: how it felt for you to go North to search out your oldest son, when he was in Seattle was it? And you went round and round the blocks where you thought he would be, to no avail? We do not even know if he had seen you...and remained concealed. Did it give you a sense of peace, that you were close to him? Did you feel more convinced that he was OK? Did it make you feel that your presence in some way accelerated his return home? Were you better able as a result to deal with the uncertainty and the fear and pain of this? Only you know. But to go and circle aimlessly, spending your strength, your stamina, your hope, your time--to put tokens in a meaningless slot machine--in a mindless and fruitless spending of yourself, with nothing accruing to you in return, what would that be Feeling? Would that be self-betrayal, a deposit to the gods so they see your pound of flesh? Or would it be an act of devotion and restoration? Nobody but you can know. I would so like you to spend your accrued time in nourishing you. In permitting yourself a trip of healing, of renewal, of hope. Whatever that would be for you. A spa in the Rockies of Colorado. An island beach. The John C Campbell Folk School I think it is in the Ozarks. An Alaska cruise. Or what I would do in a heartbeat is go to Calistoga in the wine country and sit in the hot sulfurous water. That is my idea of paradise. And not too expensive. Everything, would be within 2 blocks away. Modest restaurants or 4 stars. Wine tasting. Calistoga is my idea of paradise. The weather would be so beautiful this time of year. You could text your son and ask him to meet you. He could take the bus to San Jose and then the train. Or not. But you would be going for you. We should not be so willing for self-sacrifice, I think, Feeling. Five days spent fueling yourself, not depleting yourself in a futile exercise of wandering in circles, and suffering. That is what I think. Only you know. There is a Zen Center in Carmel Valley which is half an hour from where you son is. Have you seen Carmel Valley? It is very beautiful. Or Big Sur would be maybe an hour and a half South. Breathtaking. The movie "The Sandpipers" with Elizabeth Taylor was filmed there. There is a nice and not too expensive motel somebody told me about in Carmel by the Sea called The Normandy, I think. I believe it is family owned. I took knitting lessons a couple of blocks from there. Oh. And Asilomar. The conference center at Pacific Grove. As far as I am aware they open it up to individuals some weeks. They provide meals (you have probably been there for a conference.) And it is right on the beach. I would not go there. It would be too cool to be on the beach. But there are lots of antique stores within a couple of miles and a very nice yarn store. And restaurants. If you could go there and relax and feel his presence, and be calmed by it, that would be one thing. You get my drift. Of all the options, I would pick Calistoga. How I love Calistoga. I have not been for perhaps 25 years. Napa Valley is so, so beautiful and Calistoga sits at the Northern, secluded end. Feeling. There will come a time when you begin to choose for yourself. You are getting closer and closer. There is the realization that to choose yourself is to choose your sons. And maybe I am getting closer too. [/QUOTE]
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