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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710543" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is painful to read but so true. I believe I did this for much of my life. On some level I still do. I feel afraid around kindness and openness and love. I feel as if I am not enough, not good enough to be treated well. And that any moment the shoe will drop.</p><p></p><p>However much I challenge this belief, I still feel it.</p><p></p><p>I believe that my overriding purpose in the rest of my life is to deliberately challenge this falsehood, by concrete and sustained acts on my part to invite and to accept kindness and support into my life.</p><p></p><p>And that includes kindness and support by myself to myself.</p><p></p><p>This is what your thread, Feeling, means to me. Has come to mean to me. The exploration and the developing awareness of our unkindness to ourselves...a pattern we learned as children...and our challenge to this.</p><p>My son uses my love for him to gain advantage and power over me, and to put his negativity onto me,</p><p></p><p>When I feel vulnerable, this pattern crushes me. I seem still to not have the defenses or the self esteem to maintain myself whole. I abandon myself. I become the object of sacrifice, and I sacrifice myself, to regain equilibrium. I think this is a family systems problem. Everyone already dead or gone and I still try to sustain the family dynamic through scarifying myself at its altar.</p><p></p><p>I am so over the need to do this. Not. It seems I still very much need to go through this destructive charade.</p><p></p><p>Let me conclude with my restating how I began: to deliberately challenge this falsehood, that I do not deserve kindness from others and myself, will be my overriding purpose for the rest of my life. I will invite and accept kindness and support into my life as my primary purpose and reason to be.</p><p></p><p>Enough of this self-sacrifice. I am so over this....I hope.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710543, member: 18958"] This is painful to read but so true. I believe I did this for much of my life. On some level I still do. I feel afraid around kindness and openness and love. I feel as if I am not enough, not good enough to be treated well. And that any moment the shoe will drop. However much I challenge this belief, I still feel it. I believe that my overriding purpose in the rest of my life is to deliberately challenge this falsehood, by concrete and sustained acts on my part to invite and to accept kindness and support into my life. And that includes kindness and support by myself to myself. This is what your thread, Feeling, means to me. Has come to mean to me. The exploration and the developing awareness of our unkindness to ourselves...a pattern we learned as children...and our challenge to this. My son uses my love for him to gain advantage and power over me, and to put his negativity onto me, When I feel vulnerable, this pattern crushes me. I seem still to not have the defenses or the self esteem to maintain myself whole. I abandon myself. I become the object of sacrifice, and I sacrifice myself, to regain equilibrium. I think this is a family systems problem. Everyone already dead or gone and I still try to sustain the family dynamic through scarifying myself at its altar. I am so over the need to do this. Not. It seems I still very much need to go through this destructive charade. Let me conclude with my restating how I began: to deliberately challenge this falsehood, that I do not deserve kindness from others and myself, will be my overriding purpose for the rest of my life. I will invite and accept kindness and support into my life as my primary purpose and reason to be. Enough of this self-sacrifice. I am so over this....I hope. [/QUOTE]
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