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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 712917" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Oh, Little Bird, I have thought of you often as well, in my heart and prayers you are. Yesterday was my last day, today I slept in, missed my walk (it's raining pretty hard) so here I am.</p><p> I am glad that your son took the initiative to seek help, that is terrific, Feeling.</p><p> You know, I think that there is this race to put all sorts of "remedies" on the market that are not thoroughly tested. It seems more and more that the "testing" is done on consumers. How many drug recalls have we seen in the last few years?</p><p>I read an article about otc painkillers side effects that was pretty eye opening.</p><p> My son is doing well. He is trying to come into his own, as I am working at finding my way. Yes, we do live in paradise, but there are still challenges and obstacles. No matter where we live, or what our circumstances, there will always be challenges.</p><p> You are very kind Feeling, but strength I do not claim to be my own. I am working on being more prayerful. It is because I recognize how <em>weak</em> I am, so it helps everyday to look up and ask for forgiveness, help and guidance, and to be <em>exceedingly thankful</em> for the blessings I do have. I have to realize that though my son has been a tremendous help in treading the stormy waters of dealing with my two and Hubs passing, he will find his own path. I have oft thought, "What would I do if son went off the trail'?"</p><p> So, I can't lean on him, or his choices. I have to learn to love myself, too. I have to grow to find my joy and purpose, beyond being a mother, a wife, a grandmother.</p><p>The last I saw my Tornado, was a repeat of past comings and goings. She popped up with a bag of clothes, claiming to come to do laundry (our washing machine long broken). Stayed a few days partying with friends, coming back when I had gone to work, managing to be away from the house long enough that I wouldn't be able to speak with her. Cat and mouse. After so many years of this, I have learned to build the walls. Survival. It is always the same story Feeling, "Volcano is abusive", she is leaving, yet she leaves the grands with him. I say the same things "Please go to counseling, take the kids" "I love you and the kids and want a good life for you." The different thing I say is "You don't get help when you are here, you need to go to a DV shelter where you will get help for yourself and your children." It is the hardest thing to say, but it is right. I have not heard from her for awhile now. She called her sister on Mothers Day and left a message. It is what it is. In her eyes, I will never be, or was, a good mother.</p><p><em><strong> I don't buy into that anymore.</strong></em></p><p>It is the same with Rain. She is still at the park, and will be there until she wants different for herself.</p><p>I have given this all to God. It may seem like a cop-out, but I have realized that I do not have the power to deal with the desperation of it all on my own. I was in the pit of it for so very long, trying everything to find a remedy, sinking to depths of sorrow, guilt, grief, seeking to find a way to make it better.</p><p>When I reach points where it all overwhelms me, my two, missing hubs, I am learning to allow myself time to release the sadness, to listen to sad songs and have a good, cleansing cry. Then I pray and work to pick myself up again. It is a process. There is so much beyond our control. I reflect on my Dads stoicism, and the all encompassing quote "It is what it is". The only power I have is reliance on Akua, and the ability to <em>change how I </em>view and <em>react</em> to circumstances. Many times I fail and stumble into old habits, but being prayerful has helped tremendously. It is not me, Feeling, it is reliance on a higher power. I cannot do this on my own. I believe that there are situations where we are utterly, completely <em>powerless </em>and those are training grounds for us to look up and ask for help, for guidance.</p><p> I cannot imagine the difficulties you have gone through with this illness, growing up with your sister, the losses you have faced. One thing for sure, I see from your writings is your resilience, strength and toughness to get through it all. From health issues to violence throughout your life, you have risen from the ashes like a Phoenix to become a teacher of challenged children, a kind, loving human being. It must be so difficult to be able to help your young students, but to have no answers for your son. Accept, Feeling, you did what you had to do. It was a horrible situation, dealt with in a terrible way by the authorities, but you had no choice in this.</p><p>And so it is. It is what it is and <em>nothing</em> can change it.</p><p>I think that is quite possibly the most difficult part of grieving for us as mothers. We grieve as if a life was lost, but it is not. There is a finality in death. "Losing" a child to mental illness or addiction continues to haunt our souls as long as they are out there, drifting, stumbling.</p><p>I have had to turn this heart and mind blowing reality around to a pollyanish thought process that reminds me that as long as there is <em>life</em>, there is <em>hope</em>. Your son is alive, he is moving, accessing his bank account. Finding his way through a debilitating, hard, unfair illness. It could have been much worse if he stayed at home with you, succumbing to those voices to harm you. It is an unacceptable reality Feeling, either way we look at it. It would have been a terrible thing if he had ended your life, then have had to live with that. It is terrible that he is out there in his condition. But, he is alive and so are YOU.</p><p>I hope that despite these challenges you continue to face, you are able to find some peace and comfort, dear friend.</p><p> As time goes by, the ache lessens a bit. There is simply no replacement for those we have lost. I try to focus on the good times and the fact that Hubs did live as long as he did. Though 61 is young, there are so many people who passed early on. I count the years as a blessing and yes, I am very fortunate to have my girls and son. You have two sons who love you, despite the struggles of your middle son, his deep love for you is evident. Carry on my friend. Stay strong.</p><p> I have missed you too, Feeling. I don't feel so wise, for many of my thoughts are borrowed from others and reminders to myself as well, to stay the course. We can only do so much. The losses I have gone through have had a way of teaching me how truly precious the blessings I have had are, and that life is very, very short.</p><p>Love and peace to you, dear friend.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 712917, member: 19522"] Oh, Little Bird, I have thought of you often as well, in my heart and prayers you are. Yesterday was my last day, today I slept in, missed my walk (it's raining pretty hard) so here I am. I am glad that your son took the initiative to seek help, that is terrific, Feeling. You know, I think that there is this race to put all sorts of "remedies" on the market that are not thoroughly tested. It seems more and more that the "testing" is done on consumers. How many drug recalls have we seen in the last few years? I read an article about otc painkillers side effects that was pretty eye opening. My son is doing well. He is trying to come into his own, as I am working at finding my way. Yes, we do live in paradise, but there are still challenges and obstacles. No matter where we live, or what our circumstances, there will always be challenges. You are very kind Feeling, but strength I do not claim to be my own. I am working on being more prayerful. It is because I recognize how [I]weak[/I] I am, so it helps everyday to look up and ask for forgiveness, help and guidance, and to be [I]exceedingly thankful[/I] for the blessings I do have. I have to realize that though my son has been a tremendous help in treading the stormy waters of dealing with my two and Hubs passing, he will find his own path. I have oft thought, "What would I do if son went off the trail'?" So, I can't lean on him, or his choices. I have to learn to love myself, too. I have to grow to find my joy and purpose, beyond being a mother, a wife, a grandmother. The last I saw my Tornado, was a repeat of past comings and goings. She popped up with a bag of clothes, claiming to come to do laundry (our washing machine long broken). Stayed a few days partying with friends, coming back when I had gone to work, managing to be away from the house long enough that I wouldn't be able to speak with her. Cat and mouse. After so many years of this, I have learned to build the walls. Survival. It is always the same story Feeling, "Volcano is abusive", she is leaving, yet she leaves the grands with him. I say the same things "Please go to counseling, take the kids" "I love you and the kids and want a good life for you." The different thing I say is "You don't get help when you are here, you need to go to a DV shelter where you will get help for yourself and your children." It is the hardest thing to say, but it is right. I have not heard from her for awhile now. She called her sister on Mothers Day and left a message. It is what it is. In her eyes, I will never be, or was, a good mother. [I][B] I don't buy into that anymore.[/B][/I] It is the same with Rain. She is still at the park, and will be there until she wants different for herself. I have given this all to God. It may seem like a cop-out, but I have realized that I do not have the power to deal with the desperation of it all on my own. I was in the pit of it for so very long, trying everything to find a remedy, sinking to depths of sorrow, guilt, grief, seeking to find a way to make it better. When I reach points where it all overwhelms me, my two, missing hubs, I am learning to allow myself time to release the sadness, to listen to sad songs and have a good, cleansing cry. Then I pray and work to pick myself up again. It is a process. There is so much beyond our control. I reflect on my Dads stoicism, and the all encompassing quote "It is what it is". The only power I have is reliance on Akua, and the ability to [I]change how I [/I]view and [I]react[/I] to circumstances. Many times I fail and stumble into old habits, but being prayerful has helped tremendously. It is not me, Feeling, it is reliance on a higher power. I cannot do this on my own. I believe that there are situations where we are utterly, completely [I]powerless [/I]and those are training grounds for us to look up and ask for help, for guidance. I cannot imagine the difficulties you have gone through with this illness, growing up with your sister, the losses you have faced. One thing for sure, I see from your writings is your resilience, strength and toughness to get through it all. From health issues to violence throughout your life, you have risen from the ashes like a Phoenix to become a teacher of challenged children, a kind, loving human being. It must be so difficult to be able to help your young students, but to have no answers for your son. Accept, Feeling, you did what you had to do. It was a horrible situation, dealt with in a terrible way by the authorities, but you had no choice in this. And so it is. It is what it is and [I]nothing[/I] can change it. I think that is quite possibly the most difficult part of grieving for us as mothers. We grieve as if a life was lost, but it is not. There is a finality in death. "Losing" a child to mental illness or addiction continues to haunt our souls as long as they are out there, drifting, stumbling. I have had to turn this heart and mind blowing reality around to a pollyanish thought process that reminds me that as long as there is [I]life[/I], there is [I]hope[/I]. Your son is alive, he is moving, accessing his bank account. Finding his way through a debilitating, hard, unfair illness. It could have been much worse if he stayed at home with you, succumbing to those voices to harm you. It is an unacceptable reality Feeling, either way we look at it. It would have been a terrible thing if he had ended your life, then have had to live with that. It is terrible that he is out there in his condition. But, he is alive and so are YOU. I hope that despite these challenges you continue to face, you are able to find some peace and comfort, dear friend. As time goes by, the ache lessens a bit. There is simply no replacement for those we have lost. I try to focus on the good times and the fact that Hubs did live as long as he did. Though 61 is young, there are so many people who passed early on. I count the years as a blessing and yes, I am very fortunate to have my girls and son. You have two sons who love you, despite the struggles of your middle son, his deep love for you is evident. Carry on my friend. Stay strong. I have missed you too, Feeling. I don't feel so wise, for many of my thoughts are borrowed from others and reminders to myself as well, to stay the course. We can only do so much. The losses I have gone through have had a way of teaching me how truly precious the blessings I have had are, and that life is very, very short. Love and peace to you, dear friend. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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