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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 713075" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Feeling. I do not want to be "right." I want to be happy. When I read your answering post to me, I feel insensitive, like the effect of my words is to guilt you; tell you, <em>you should</em>. And perhaps that is the internal voice I use to talk to myself, and why I am depressed.</p><p></p><p>Because the reality of my life for 4 years is <em>bereft. Maybe there is a clue here. </em></p><p> I am too. I am tired of feeling despair the first moments upon waking. I am tired of living a life which battles the reality of darkness and defeat. I am tired of fearing my life is over 20 years before it has to be. I am tired of returning to this place over and over again. I do not want to accept the reality that this is who I am. Maybe I was always this defeated and broken person. And suppressed the reality of this truth. M says he wants me to return to my real personality (the old one.) Maybe defeat is the real me.</p><p></p><p>Maybe this is one thing we share, Feeling. The reality of being little girls in impossible situations, and blaming ourselves for it, and for wanting and needing anything at all from those around us or from life itself.</p><p>Who could get beyond this, Feeling? I am coming to the realization that the key for me is accepting that this despair is ME. That there is no getting beyond it. That I have to start from this place. Somehow get to know it and to live with it. Define myself from it. Instead of resenting it. Battling it. Running from it. Overcoming it.</p><p></p><p>Somehow integrate it into a functional me. How to do it, I do not know. But I have been reading about other old people, who have had activist lives (in the sense of trying to take on life) who have been felled by depression. Like Dan Rather when he was fired as an anchor and the poet William Carlos Williams when he was unfairly denied the National Poet Laureate position due to McCarthyism, who had to be hospitalized, his despair was so great.</p><p></p><p>But neither of these men were mothers who were so connected to their sons that they took on the vulnerability of their child, as if to psychically walk with them through the streets. Who felt this to be the lesser burden than letting go, denying themselves permission to feel whole and hopeful because the toll would be letting go. And this they would not do.</p><p></p><p>Honestly, Feeling. I do not know the answer. But I do know the problem.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 713075, member: 18958"] Feeling. I do not want to be "right." I want to be happy. When I read your answering post to me, I feel insensitive, like the effect of my words is to guilt you; tell you, [I]you should[/I]. And perhaps that is the internal voice I use to talk to myself, and why I am depressed. Because the reality of my life for 4 years is [I]bereft. Maybe there is a clue here. [/I] I am too. I am tired of feeling despair the first moments upon waking. I am tired of living a life which battles the reality of darkness and defeat. I am tired of fearing my life is over 20 years before it has to be. I am tired of returning to this place over and over again. I do not want to accept the reality that this is who I am. Maybe I was always this defeated and broken person. And suppressed the reality of this truth. M says he wants me to return to my real personality (the old one.) Maybe defeat is the real me. Maybe this is one thing we share, Feeling. The reality of being little girls in impossible situations, and blaming ourselves for it, and for wanting and needing anything at all from those around us or from life itself. Who could get beyond this, Feeling? I am coming to the realization that the key for me is accepting that this despair is ME. That there is no getting beyond it. That I have to start from this place. Somehow get to know it and to live with it. Define myself from it. Instead of resenting it. Battling it. Running from it. Overcoming it. Somehow integrate it into a functional me. How to do it, I do not know. But I have been reading about other old people, who have had activist lives (in the sense of trying to take on life) who have been felled by depression. Like Dan Rather when he was fired as an anchor and the poet William Carlos Williams when he was unfairly denied the National Poet Laureate position due to McCarthyism, who had to be hospitalized, his despair was so great. But neither of these men were mothers who were so connected to their sons that they took on the vulnerability of their child, as if to psychically walk with them through the streets. Who felt this to be the lesser burden than letting go, denying themselves permission to feel whole and hopeful because the toll would be letting go. And this they would not do. Honestly, Feeling. I do not know the answer. But I do know the problem. [/QUOTE]
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