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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 713497" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Copa, I didn't have a chance to respond to your last post, being so busy with closing my classroom. We actually have to clear everything away, cover all of our bookcases, and draw a floor plan showing where we want the desks, cabinets, tables, etc. for the next school year.</p><p></p><p>This year, it was very cleansing, though. I purged old files and made my room look so much better. I have been holding onto boxes because I have taught at different schools and at different grade levels. Who knew what grade I might be moved to? So I horded teacher supplies...books, workbooks, worksheets, math manipulatives, posters.... The list goes on. It doesn't help that teachers are always leaving great things in the teachers' lounge. It is like a free teacher gift shop. I eat my small salad at lunch and 'shop'.</p><p></p><p>I wanted to say that I agree with you in that we are being like little girls struggling against difficult situations that are not our fault. But, we blame ourselves and look for help from others. That was spot on.</p><p></p><p>That is why I married poorly twice. I was not asking anything of them and they were both cold and lacked empathy. My first husband was a Vietnam vet and was very abusive. But, I wanted to be loved. Just loved.</p><p></p><p>I found out that I was always on my own, as a child and as an adult. I look back now and see that I chose men that most women would run away from. But, it did not scare me off. I was used to being treated poorly. I was going to love them. I thought that, with love, they would 'transform' into nice people. I was going to 'help' them. On some level, I believe that I deserved them.</p><p></p><p>What you can't 'fix' in childhood, you continue to fix as an adult. My first husband and I started to date when I was finishing up in college in Special Education. He had 11 of the 14 criteria of being emotionally disturbed. But, it did not scare me. Why, he was 'sent' to me. With my newly gleaned skills, I would help him. I would save him.</p><p></p><p>Then he could help me...</p><p></p><p>Copa, we 'dance' the dance that we have been taught since we were young girls. We are looking for someone...anyone to help us. We were taught directly or very insidiously indirectly that we needed to fix things. It was put onto our young shoulders.</p><p></p><p>At the age of 11, my childhood ended. I was in a constant real life war zone with my schizophrenic sister threatening and trying to kill me, with zero help from my parents. I was on my own. I had to fend for myself. I had to be alert at all times to stay alive. My parents were in total denial. After going through similar terrors with my ill son, I understand their response more. They were hoping for the best and could not believe that their 13 year old daughter was capable of such violence.</p><p></p><p>We take on troubles and blame ourselves because we were always 'left' to fend for ourselves. We are 'tough cookies', with soft insides... We are crying out for help, but know one knows that fact. We have been trained by fire to be tough and deal with whatever comes our way. It is our 'job' to 'fix' it.</p><p></p><p>We are not despair, but rather, we take on the despair to try to alleviate it. We take on everything. Our bodies are tired with the battles. We want someone to 'battle' to save us. To take on the battle for us, or with us. But, we are again left with the impossible struggle. We eat and buy things to help to asuage the pain...the psychic pain of trying to fight insurmountable odds.</p><p></p><p>I am trying to feel better about myself, body and mind. I am tired of the ranges of war. That is probably why you feel that you will die 20 years before your time.</p><p></p><p>We can't let go because we feel that it is our battle to win. The stress is deadly. Cortisol wreaks havoc on our bodies. But, still we forge on.</p><p></p><p>I have been starting to work on things that I can control. I am exercising 40 to 50 minutes every day. I am losing weight and eating low carb. I am organizing my multitude of possessions and giving some things to friends or donating. I am buying less. Yes, I love the serotonin rush when I find a great deal. But, I am tired of stepping around the clutter. It is freeing to see more open space. My mind feels less encumbered.</p><p></p><p>I am feeling better. Yes, I am still very sad and worry about my ill son. But, I am starting to have more energy and feel, a bit, better about myself. I am not a 'bad' or lacking person who cannot solve these problems. I am a strong, nice person trying the best that I can.</p><p></p><p>Copa, I am trying to 'forgive' myself. I wear my guilt. But, Copa, no one could have tried harder than us. We did everything 'right'. We planned the solution and intellectualized the problem, ad nauseum. We put our precise and well-thought plans into action, over and over again.</p><p></p><p>You are right. We feel that it would be 'wrong' to stop. It is our job. But, the despair of not being able to win against something that we have no control over is killing us, our body and psyche.</p><p></p><p>I am trying to 'forgive' myself because I couldn't help my son. I kick myself daily...hourly. I could not win in a battle against schizophrenia. I have watched 3 family members slowly ravaged by this insidious disease.</p><p></p><p>I am trying to be kind to myself, know that I am only human, and forgive myself. I have done nothing wrong, but I feel like I have. I am trying to stop dancing the dance that we were taught as little girls...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 713497, member: 19245"] Copa, I didn't have a chance to respond to your last post, being so busy with closing my classroom. We actually have to clear everything away, cover all of our bookcases, and draw a floor plan showing where we want the desks, cabinets, tables, etc. for the next school year. This year, it was very cleansing, though. I purged old files and made my room look so much better. I have been holding onto boxes because I have taught at different schools and at different grade levels. Who knew what grade I might be moved to? So I horded teacher supplies...books, workbooks, worksheets, math manipulatives, posters.... The list goes on. It doesn't help that teachers are always leaving great things in the teachers' lounge. It is like a free teacher gift shop. I eat my small salad at lunch and 'shop'. I wanted to say that I agree with you in that we are being like little girls struggling against difficult situations that are not our fault. But, we blame ourselves and look for help from others. That was spot on. That is why I married poorly twice. I was not asking anything of them and they were both cold and lacked empathy. My first husband was a Vietnam vet and was very abusive. But, I wanted to be loved. Just loved. I found out that I was always on my own, as a child and as an adult. I look back now and see that I chose men that most women would run away from. But, it did not scare me off. I was used to being treated poorly. I was going to love them. I thought that, with love, they would 'transform' into nice people. I was going to 'help' them. On some level, I believe that I deserved them. What you can't 'fix' in childhood, you continue to fix as an adult. My first husband and I started to date when I was finishing up in college in Special Education. He had 11 of the 14 criteria of being emotionally disturbed. But, it did not scare me. Why, he was 'sent' to me. With my newly gleaned skills, I would help him. I would save him. Then he could help me... Copa, we 'dance' the dance that we have been taught since we were young girls. We are looking for someone...anyone to help us. We were taught directly or very insidiously indirectly that we needed to fix things. It was put onto our young shoulders. At the age of 11, my childhood ended. I was in a constant real life war zone with my schizophrenic sister threatening and trying to kill me, with zero help from my parents. I was on my own. I had to fend for myself. I had to be alert at all times to stay alive. My parents were in total denial. After going through similar terrors with my ill son, I understand their response more. They were hoping for the best and could not believe that their 13 year old daughter was capable of such violence. We take on troubles and blame ourselves because we were always 'left' to fend for ourselves. We are 'tough cookies', with soft insides... We are crying out for help, but know one knows that fact. We have been trained by fire to be tough and deal with whatever comes our way. It is our 'job' to 'fix' it. We are not despair, but rather, we take on the despair to try to alleviate it. We take on everything. Our bodies are tired with the battles. We want someone to 'battle' to save us. To take on the battle for us, or with us. But, we are again left with the impossible struggle. We eat and buy things to help to asuage the pain...the psychic pain of trying to fight insurmountable odds. I am trying to feel better about myself, body and mind. I am tired of the ranges of war. That is probably why you feel that you will die 20 years before your time. We can't let go because we feel that it is our battle to win. The stress is deadly. Cortisol wreaks havoc on our bodies. But, still we forge on. I have been starting to work on things that I can control. I am exercising 40 to 50 minutes every day. I am losing weight and eating low carb. I am organizing my multitude of possessions and giving some things to friends or donating. I am buying less. Yes, I love the serotonin rush when I find a great deal. But, I am tired of stepping around the clutter. It is freeing to see more open space. My mind feels less encumbered. I am feeling better. Yes, I am still very sad and worry about my ill son. But, I am starting to have more energy and feel, a bit, better about myself. I am not a 'bad' or lacking person who cannot solve these problems. I am a strong, nice person trying the best that I can. Copa, I am trying to 'forgive' myself. I wear my guilt. But, Copa, no one could have tried harder than us. We did everything 'right'. We planned the solution and intellectualized the problem, ad nauseum. We put our precise and well-thought plans into action, over and over again. You are right. We feel that it would be 'wrong' to stop. It is our job. But, the despair of not being able to win against something that we have no control over is killing us, our body and psyche. I am trying to 'forgive' myself because I couldn't help my son. I kick myself daily...hourly. I could not win in a battle against schizophrenia. I have watched 3 family members slowly ravaged by this insidious disease. I am trying to be kind to myself, know that I am only human, and forgive myself. I have done nothing wrong, but I feel like I have. I am trying to stop dancing the dance that we were taught as little girls... [/QUOTE]
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