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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 740354" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Feeling. Hi. Your trip sounds marvelous. You will have a wonderful time. So great that you will have friends with you. It really demonstrates how we can take charge of some piece of our lives, just like that, with a click. Tickets bought. And then opening up to others. That took courage to do that. </p><p></p><p>My son is homeless now and does not want any communication with me. It came down to setting a boundary, and he reacted badly. He wanted to use all his money for marijuana, and none to pay us for rent. I was watching him walk around his neighborhood in a stupor, barely able to walk, and I could no longer subsidize that. When we said leave, he squatted. He did not recognize how terrified and traumatized I was getting, and neither did I. One day I went into the backyard, my backyard, and he was asleep in the back corner on the lawn. I was terrified. Other things happened. The cops were called many times. Finally, he left my town.</p><p></p><p>For a couple of months, I was relieved. I felt I had myself back, the potential for a life. In the past few days I feel intense grief, which was ushered in because I sought some contact by text. He is pissed, it seems since I had asked him to change his address. He will not tolerate any boundary, without a backlash. I wish now I had not sent that text but it is so hard to keep getting all these bills, for irresponsible and thoughtless actions he takes, and no taking of responsibility. I reacted. I regret that now.</p><p></p><p>So, in the past few days he has rejected my texts. <em> Leave me alone. I will die by January or February. Live your life. </em>That kind of thing. </p><p></p><p>I have no place to stand in myself to withstand this. At first I tried to volley, but it was false. I was pretending to be somebody else. Somebody who was not bereft. Somebody who was strong. Somebody who did not have skin the game.</p><p></p><p>Today, I have no place to stand.</p><p></p><p>Feeling. We have no place to stand. That is the reality. There is no safe place to stand. I know why you tolerate your middle son. I know why your eldest had to leave. I know why your only real safe place is your work, that you that is there is a strong and real voice. </p><p></p><p>I am beginning to see this as having channels. The only thing I can do is to change the channel and try to live from a place where the pain is out of my thoughts. Whether that is a kind of denial I am not sure. Or it may even be a strange kind of acceptance. That the only way to go on is to make the decision to live from another place, outside of relationship to my son. </p><p></p><p>I keep thinking: what could I have done, should I have done, to be living from a different result for my son. Like I have the power. The responsibility and all of this could have been averted by "right" acts by me. This could be so, maybe not. But my son seems either unable or unwilling to see or try to change the channel for himself. And this gives me heartbreak.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 740354, member: 18958"] Feeling. Hi. Your trip sounds marvelous. You will have a wonderful time. So great that you will have friends with you. It really demonstrates how we can take charge of some piece of our lives, just like that, with a click. Tickets bought. And then opening up to others. That took courage to do that. My son is homeless now and does not want any communication with me. It came down to setting a boundary, and he reacted badly. He wanted to use all his money for marijuana, and none to pay us for rent. I was watching him walk around his neighborhood in a stupor, barely able to walk, and I could no longer subsidize that. When we said leave, he squatted. He did not recognize how terrified and traumatized I was getting, and neither did I. One day I went into the backyard, my backyard, and he was asleep in the back corner on the lawn. I was terrified. Other things happened. The cops were called many times. Finally, he left my town. For a couple of months, I was relieved. I felt I had myself back, the potential for a life. In the past few days I feel intense grief, which was ushered in because I sought some contact by text. He is pissed, it seems since I had asked him to change his address. He will not tolerate any boundary, without a backlash. I wish now I had not sent that text but it is so hard to keep getting all these bills, for irresponsible and thoughtless actions he takes, and no taking of responsibility. I reacted. I regret that now. So, in the past few days he has rejected my texts. [I] Leave me alone. I will die by January or February. Live your life. [/I]That kind of thing. I have no place to stand in myself to withstand this. At first I tried to volley, but it was false. I was pretending to be somebody else. Somebody who was not bereft. Somebody who was strong. Somebody who did not have skin the game. Today, I have no place to stand. Feeling. We have no place to stand. That is the reality. There is no safe place to stand. I know why you tolerate your middle son. I know why your eldest had to leave. I know why your only real safe place is your work, that you that is there is a strong and real voice. I am beginning to see this as having channels. The only thing I can do is to change the channel and try to live from a place where the pain is out of my thoughts. Whether that is a kind of denial I am not sure. Or it may even be a strange kind of acceptance. That the only way to go on is to make the decision to live from another place, outside of relationship to my son. I keep thinking: what could I have done, should I have done, to be living from a different result for my son. Like I have the power. The responsibility and all of this could have been averted by "right" acts by me. This could be so, maybe not. But my son seems either unable or unwilling to see or try to change the channel for himself. And this gives me heartbreak. [/QUOTE]
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