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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 742146" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>I am so very blessed to have such friends. With your strong and eloquent renderings of rising above our sorrow, one cannot help but feel better. Just knowing that I am not alone in my despair, makes my burden lighter . Thank you!</p><p></p><p>I have had ups and downs. I put money in the joint account that I share with my son once a month. When I was online, I saw a purchase being processed from a Walmart just over the hill. I was already dressed and planning to eat at that center. But, I got that urgent feeling of frenzy. I knew that he probably was still not there. I do not know what I logically planned to do if I did see him. Yes, it was dangerous and foolhearty. But, my mother's heart has not seen my beloved son in 3 1/2 years. I told myself that I just want to see him...to see my child's face and if he he has lost weight.</p><p></p><p>I frantically readied myself and rushed off. When I arrived at the very large parking lot, I was driven to go up and down each row. I did not want to miss any. I could not miss any. Even those further away could have yielded his car. So, on I drove... I know that it was crazy, but my schizophrenic son out there alone in the world is crazy-making. Yes, he is an adult and very dangerous, but he is also very child-like. I felt upset with myself, but I could not stop.</p><p></p><p>What would I have done if I saw him or his parked car? He surely would have run away if he saw me. I didn't plan to go up to him, but in all honesty, I do not know what I would have done. Yes, I felt very sad that day. I felt a small amount of peace knowing that only hours earlier, my son had been there. I cannot harshly judge myself because it is sheer torture to both miss and fear your own child.</p><p></p><p>Today, I put money in again. He once more had a pending purchase from the same store. But, this time I stayed strong. I did not have the crazy stirrings to rush there. It hurt too much the last time. I stayed strong. I know that he is still out there. I am very fortunate to know that he is alive. He moves daily to a new town. Is it his voices telling him to keep moving? Is he trying not to be seen by the police? I do not know. But, he is alive. I need to be grateful. I am blessed to know that. My mom used to say, "Let go and let God". I have no choice , but to do this. None of us have a choice in this. We need to be strong and live our lives the best that we can. Carry on, dear sisters.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 742146, member: 19245"] I am so very blessed to have such friends. With your strong and eloquent renderings of rising above our sorrow, one cannot help but feel better. Just knowing that I am not alone in my despair, makes my burden lighter . Thank you! I have had ups and downs. I put money in the joint account that I share with my son once a month. When I was online, I saw a purchase being processed from a Walmart just over the hill. I was already dressed and planning to eat at that center. But, I got that urgent feeling of frenzy. I knew that he probably was still not there. I do not know what I logically planned to do if I did see him. Yes, it was dangerous and foolhearty. But, my mother's heart has not seen my beloved son in 3 1/2 years. I told myself that I just want to see him...to see my child's face and if he he has lost weight. I frantically readied myself and rushed off. When I arrived at the very large parking lot, I was driven to go up and down each row. I did not want to miss any. I could not miss any. Even those further away could have yielded his car. So, on I drove... I know that it was crazy, but my schizophrenic son out there alone in the world is crazy-making. Yes, he is an adult and very dangerous, but he is also very child-like. I felt upset with myself, but I could not stop. What would I have done if I saw him or his parked car? He surely would have run away if he saw me. I didn't plan to go up to him, but in all honesty, I do not know what I would have done. Yes, I felt very sad that day. I felt a small amount of peace knowing that only hours earlier, my son had been there. I cannot harshly judge myself because it is sheer torture to both miss and fear your own child. Today, I put money in again. He once more had a pending purchase from the same store. But, this time I stayed strong. I did not have the crazy stirrings to rush there. It hurt too much the last time. I stayed strong. I know that he is still out there. I am very fortunate to know that he is alive. He moves daily to a new town. Is it his voices telling him to keep moving? Is he trying not to be seen by the police? I do not know. But, he is alive. I need to be grateful. I am blessed to know that. My mom used to say, "Let go and let God". I have no choice , but to do this. None of us have a choice in this. We need to be strong and live our lives the best that we can. Carry on, dear sisters. [/QUOTE]
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