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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749986" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I know this to not be true. My son has been hospitalized a number of times just for threats. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I am so very sorry for all of this, Feeling. I copied so many quotes I don't know where to begin, but I will try to divide them into themes and I may have to return later.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">First of all there is the sense that you have control over the outcome, that if he stays he is less at risk, and if he is homeless he is more apt to make a suicide attempt. This: I don't believe that this is necessarily true. I believe that there is risk either way, like your son is telling you. My son has been homeless. (He is back here, now, living with M in the other house.) After a long period of homelessness my son is more stable, is not making suicide threats, is more willing to compromise and cooperative, and less hostile and confrontative. When he does get hostile he is reining it in. He is working with us. To some extent. Yesterday he went to mental health and got assigned a case manager. I will try to be hopeful.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I have no illusion that this will not turn on a dime. He is motivated right now because he has no money. He gets a SSI check in a week. We'll see how that goes.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">This quote fills me with sadness and anger. Mentally ill or no, how could he put this on you? </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Honestly, I do wonder <em>if it is good for him</em> to continue to stay with you. If he refuses to seek treatment and seems to be escalating. If there are signs that the stability of living with you is having a positive effect, what are they?</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">It seems like he is more aggressive, has less self-control, is just as sad, and is becoming desperate. The desperation is what would concern me the most.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I understand 100 percent if you want him with you to avoid the intense sadness and extreme worry of having him on the street. But you are suffering the costs of this. His battering you verbally and his escalation of symptoms.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Have you considered returning to therapy?</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Before I get into all of the effects on you, I am wondering if the following might be an option that you can live with. That he live in an RV. (I would do this for my son, but he does not drive.) An older mobile home, like the Class A or C can be had for between 2500 and 5500 or so. Maybe less. This is a lifestyle for many people. Many people live in their mobile homes full time. They boon dock. Living on federal or state land or whatever, and paying nothing to live. They appear to love it. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Sometimes people will live in cities. Stealth or in the open. In the Bay Area many people use RV's. There are caravans of them parked in specific areas. Sometimes they are moved on by the police, but all of them just move together to another area. M and I came on a caravan. There were dozens of trailers and mobile homes in an area of West Berkeley. I loved it. I wanted to do it, too. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left">This is not only people we think of as homeless. Their are so many people who cannot afford three thousand dollars a month for rent. To start. Their jobs are there in SF or San Jose, and they live in their RV. I think it makes sense.</p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I think my son liked the homeless lifestyle somewhat. His problem is he was abused and he could not hold onto his money, through being taken advantage of and inability to administer his funds.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Now we are to the abuse and its effects on you. How you are abused by your son in your own home. A repetition of how you lived with older son. Oh, this is so, so wrong.</span></p><p></p><p>Feeling. This is terrible. Nobody could live like this and not be traumatized and re-traumatized. As bad as this is for you, this is not good for him, either.</p><p></p><p>But, I don't know what I can say to motivate you to change this. I recognize that you are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Does the fact that your older son is surviving, is maintaining help at all? (Your middle son seems to be able to have some insight into his behavior and is able to see himself, when he calms down. I would expect that he would stay in contact with you should he leave.)</p><p></p><p>For him leaving allows the possibility of positive change, of working this through. It sounds like he feels like he is in jail. And he is banging his head against the bars--and you. You represent the prison bars to him. You've bot to get yourself out of this vice.</p><p></p><p>Let him go, Feeling. Let him have a chance. This is an irrational belief on your part, Feeling, that you protect him by holding him there. I believe the reverse is true. And so does he.</p><p></p><p>I am so very sorry that you are suffering.</p><p></p><p>As far as the restraining order that is soon to lapse, I think I would go to an attorney and I think I would go back to therapy. This is not a decision that can be made without serious thought, mulling over, and counsel. How long of an increment would you have to extend? Could you go 6 months at a time, for example? </p><p></p><p>One of the great pains for you was that you were locked in to this long time period and felt no control.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749986, member: 18958"] [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)] I know this to not be true. My son has been hospitalized a number of times just for threats. I am so very sorry for all of this, Feeling. I copied so many quotes I don't know where to begin, but I will try to divide them into themes and I may have to return later. First of all there is the sense that you have control over the outcome, that if he stays he is less at risk, and if he is homeless he is more apt to make a suicide attempt. This: I don't believe that this is necessarily true. I believe that there is risk either way, like your son is telling you. My son has been homeless. (He is back here, now, living with M in the other house.) After a long period of homelessness my son is more stable, is not making suicide threats, is more willing to compromise and cooperative, and less hostile and confrontative. When he does get hostile he is reining it in. He is working with us. To some extent. Yesterday he went to mental health and got assigned a case manager. I will try to be hopeful. I have no illusion that this will not turn on a dime. He is motivated right now because he has no money. He gets a SSI check in a week. We'll see how that goes. This quote fills me with sadness and anger. Mentally ill or no, how could he put this on you? Honestly, I do wonder [I]if it is good for him[/I] to continue to stay with you. If he refuses to seek treatment and seems to be escalating. If there are signs that the stability of living with you is having a positive effect, what are they? It seems like he is more aggressive, has less self-control, is just as sad, and is becoming desperate. The desperation is what would concern me the most. I understand 100 percent if you want him with you to avoid the intense sadness and extreme worry of having him on the street. But you are suffering the costs of this. His battering you verbally and his escalation of symptoms. Have you considered returning to therapy? Before I get into all of the effects on you, I am wondering if the following might be an option that you can live with. That he live in an RV. (I would do this for my son, but he does not drive.) An older mobile home, like the Class A or C can be had for between 2500 and 5500 or so. Maybe less. This is a lifestyle for many people. Many people live in their mobile homes full time. They boon dock. Living on federal or state land or whatever, and paying nothing to live. They appear to love it. Sometimes people will live in cities. Stealth or in the open. In the Bay Area many people use RV's. There are caravans of them parked in specific areas. Sometimes they are moved on by the police, but all of them just move together to another area. M and I came on a caravan. There were dozens of trailers and mobile homes in an area of West Berkeley. I loved it. I wanted to do it, too. [/COLOR] This is not only people we think of as homeless. Their are so many people who cannot afford three thousand dollars a month for rent. To start. Their jobs are there in SF or San Jose, and they live in their RV. I think it makes sense. [COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)] I think my son liked the homeless lifestyle somewhat. His problem is he was abused and he could not hold onto his money, through being taken advantage of and inability to administer his funds. Now we are to the abuse and its effects on you. How you are abused by your son in your own home. A repetition of how you lived with older son. Oh, this is so, so wrong.[/COLOR][/LEFT] Feeling. This is terrible. Nobody could live like this and not be traumatized and re-traumatized. As bad as this is for you, this is not good for him, either. But, I don't know what I can say to motivate you to change this. I recognize that you are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Does the fact that your older son is surviving, is maintaining help at all? (Your middle son seems to be able to have some insight into his behavior and is able to see himself, when he calms down. I would expect that he would stay in contact with you should he leave.) For him leaving allows the possibility of positive change, of working this through. It sounds like he feels like he is in jail. And he is banging his head against the bars--and you. You represent the prison bars to him. You've bot to get yourself out of this vice. Let him go, Feeling. Let him have a chance. This is an irrational belief on your part, Feeling, that you protect him by holding him there. I believe the reverse is true. And so does he. I am so very sorry that you are suffering. As far as the restraining order that is soon to lapse, I think I would go to an attorney and I think I would go back to therapy. This is not a decision that can be made without serious thought, mulling over, and counsel. How long of an increment would you have to extend? Could you go 6 months at a time, for example? One of the great pains for you was that you were locked in to this long time period and felt no control. [/QUOTE]
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