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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 590124" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I understand your feelings because I've been in your shoes, exactly, when my granddaughter hit 13 and began acting out in the way yours is. The shift from my having been just 'grammy' to my having to be parent, was extremely difficult. I felt all the same things you are feeling as she remained completely defiant, resistant to any normal behaviors and blamed everything on me. Frankly, after being lied to, manipulated, and blamed, the stress level in my home being off the charts and my reaching a point of no return, she went to live with her other grandmother who had been fighting me for her. </p><p></p><p>My granddaughter had always used going to the other grandmother as her 'way out' and I finally agreed to let her go. It was horrible in so many ways for me, but I just couldn't sustain the abusive way I was being treated. After 6 months at her other grandmothers my granddaughter began changing. She saw, on her own, how her anger at her mother, her anger at what had happened in her life, was all directed at ME, the one person who had consistently been there for her, loving and caring for her. She wanted to come home. I insisted she stay for the year everyone had agreed to, which was a shocker to her since she thought as soon as she wanted anything, she could have it and she wanted to come back to me. She had to wait another 6 months. If I tell you that she came back a totally different person, that would be the understatement of the century. She has been back with me for 2 years and it's like night and day. She had to realize on her own that her behaviors were reprehensible and that I didn't deserve it. I hit a wall that I just couldn't get over and that changed everything. I'm not advocating your granddaughter go live somewhere else, I am just telling you that I completely understand how debilitating, depleting, disheartening, depressing, overwhelming and stressful it is to be older like we are and have to deal with a wounded teenagers actions. Every day of my life then was a nightmare...............I really get it. </p><p></p><p>You mentioned in another thread about going back into therapy, do it. Find yourself support, get into parent groups, focus on yourself because otherwise this struggle you are in will continue to make your life miserable. I hope the testing on your granddaughter gives you some solutions, but in the meantime, make sure taking care of you becomes the PRIORITY. Find ways to detach from her behaviors, she may never change, but you can change your responses to ones that take care of you and bring you peace. Hang in there and seek help. (((HUGS))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 590124, member: 13542"] I understand your feelings because I've been in your shoes, exactly, when my granddaughter hit 13 and began acting out in the way yours is. The shift from my having been just 'grammy' to my having to be parent, was extremely difficult. I felt all the same things you are feeling as she remained completely defiant, resistant to any normal behaviors and blamed everything on me. Frankly, after being lied to, manipulated, and blamed, the stress level in my home being off the charts and my reaching a point of no return, she went to live with her other grandmother who had been fighting me for her. My granddaughter had always used going to the other grandmother as her 'way out' and I finally agreed to let her go. It was horrible in so many ways for me, but I just couldn't sustain the abusive way I was being treated. After 6 months at her other grandmothers my granddaughter began changing. She saw, on her own, how her anger at her mother, her anger at what had happened in her life, was all directed at ME, the one person who had consistently been there for her, loving and caring for her. She wanted to come home. I insisted she stay for the year everyone had agreed to, which was a shocker to her since she thought as soon as she wanted anything, she could have it and she wanted to come back to me. She had to wait another 6 months. If I tell you that she came back a totally different person, that would be the understatement of the century. She has been back with me for 2 years and it's like night and day. She had to realize on her own that her behaviors were reprehensible and that I didn't deserve it. I hit a wall that I just couldn't get over and that changed everything. I'm not advocating your granddaughter go live somewhere else, I am just telling you that I completely understand how debilitating, depleting, disheartening, depressing, overwhelming and stressful it is to be older like we are and have to deal with a wounded teenagers actions. Every day of my life then was a nightmare...............I really get it. You mentioned in another thread about going back into therapy, do it. Find yourself support, get into parent groups, focus on yourself because otherwise this struggle you are in will continue to make your life miserable. I hope the testing on your granddaughter gives you some solutions, but in the meantime, make sure taking care of you becomes the PRIORITY. Find ways to detach from her behaviors, she may never change, but you can change your responses to ones that take care of you and bring you peace. Hang in there and seek help. (((HUGS)))) [/QUOTE]
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