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Feeling so sad today
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620682" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Lil, I am so sorry for your sorrow and your pain and your fatigue. I hear it in every word you write.</p><p></p><p>Just a few thoughts---you are dealing with the hard realities right now and they are so hard to face. </p><p></p><p>Addict and alcoholics lie. It's part of the disease. Also, I truly think some of the things they said to us they actually believe. And probably when they stole some of our stuff they were high at times so they truly don't remember.</p><p></p><p>Another thing: When you set a rule or a boundary, keep it. Most of us have taught our difficult children that we don't mean what we say. We set rules, they break them and we don't follow through with the consequences. We do this over and over again. </p><p></p><p>Today, before I state a boundary or rule, I think hard about whether or not I can actually keep it. That doesn't mean I am perfect at this, and sometimes---but very very rarely now---I don't follow through. We aren't perfect and we are doing the best we can. </p><p></p><p>Another thing: maybe pot is harmful and maybe it isn't. I don't know and we can't decide that here on this site. One thing I do believe---any mind-altering substance used by an addict is harmful to them. Maybe some people can smoke pot and be okay. Addicts can't. It is a gateway drug for them. As is alcohol. Clean means clean for addicts---no substances, not one bee or one joint. </p><p></p><p>Then they are not clean. Not clean means using and most of us have realized we can't have an active adult child addict living in our homes. It just doesn't work on any level. </p><p></p><p>Take your car back. If you own the car, and he hurts somebody with it, you could be liable. It would also be hard for you to have to bear. </p><p></p><p>An active addict doesn't need us to provide them with a car. My son's car---which he is not currently driving---is in his name. It is not drivable, and he is homeless and has no driver's license, insurance, money for gas, anyway.</p><p></p><p>The more you can live by this guideline: Am I doing something for him he can do for himself---and then stop that behavior---the better off you will be and the better off he will be. </p><p></p><p>If he must live with you, I would send him the list of rules ahead of time and ensure he receive them. Then, stick to them. Let him take the consequences of not living by your rules. As many say on this site: Your house, your rules. Period.</p><p></p><p>Take care Lil. Hugs to you and husband today. This is hard stuff. I hope you are beginning to focus on YOU and are starting a program of recovery for yourselves. THAT is the pathway to peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620682, member: 17542"] Hi Lil, I am so sorry for your sorrow and your pain and your fatigue. I hear it in every word you write. Just a few thoughts---you are dealing with the hard realities right now and they are so hard to face. Addict and alcoholics lie. It's part of the disease. Also, I truly think some of the things they said to us they actually believe. And probably when they stole some of our stuff they were high at times so they truly don't remember. Another thing: When you set a rule or a boundary, keep it. Most of us have taught our difficult children that we don't mean what we say. We set rules, they break them and we don't follow through with the consequences. We do this over and over again. Today, before I state a boundary or rule, I think hard about whether or not I can actually keep it. That doesn't mean I am perfect at this, and sometimes---but very very rarely now---I don't follow through. We aren't perfect and we are doing the best we can. Another thing: maybe pot is harmful and maybe it isn't. I don't know and we can't decide that here on this site. One thing I do believe---any mind-altering substance used by an addict is harmful to them. Maybe some people can smoke pot and be okay. Addicts can't. It is a gateway drug for them. As is alcohol. Clean means clean for addicts---no substances, not one bee or one joint. Then they are not clean. Not clean means using and most of us have realized we can't have an active adult child addict living in our homes. It just doesn't work on any level. Take your car back. If you own the car, and he hurts somebody with it, you could be liable. It would also be hard for you to have to bear. An active addict doesn't need us to provide them with a car. My son's car---which he is not currently driving---is in his name. It is not drivable, and he is homeless and has no driver's license, insurance, money for gas, anyway. The more you can live by this guideline: Am I doing something for him he can do for himself---and then stop that behavior---the better off you will be and the better off he will be. If he must live with you, I would send him the list of rules ahead of time and ensure he receive them. Then, stick to them. Let him take the consequences of not living by your rules. As many say on this site: Your house, your rules. Period. Take care Lil. Hugs to you and husband today. This is hard stuff. I hope you are beginning to focus on YOU and are starting a program of recovery for yourselves. THAT is the pathway to peace. [/QUOTE]
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