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Feeling sorry for myself today
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 397227" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Mutt - </p><p> </p><p>I don't know that it's whining....I think it's one of those things where we say "Oh don't worry about getting me anything." and the underlying meaning is "Don't by me a bedspread bed in a bag from Bed Bath and Beyond because I know that you can't afford it, but for goodness sakes - have the initiative to go out on your own and at least get me a box of chocolates from the dollar store for a buck. This year, and except for last year? I have to endure the mopes and supreme depression of DF. Now I can deal mostly with his sadness, his sleeping all day long, all night long, then only eating and doing nothing else. His inability to help or even comment something nice if I put up a tree, or the glazed look he gets when I'd come back from shopping and say "What do you think?" but what I can't take is all the sounds. OM?! The exhales, the sighs, the I'm sorry I've ruined yet again another Christmas for you - (pause) haven't I? (pause) then walks away slowly with head hung. </p><p> </p><p>Last year and many years I was supposed to go to my Moms. Something or another has ALWAYS prevented me from going. Either he gets sick, or the car won't run - SOMETHING. I swear to you I thought for the longest he'd purposely get sick before Christmas so I wouldn't go. I'd never SEEEEEEeeeeen anyone get sick EVERY single year at Christmas. EVER. This year - I announced I wasn't going - and voila - no illness. I also told him two years ago how I felt about his moping. But this year? My depression has been at a near all-time high, and honestly? I didn't put up a tree, I didn't go shopping, I didn't plan a dinner - I just tried to stay away from the house and avoid watching DF sleep. I thought 'maybe', just 'maybe' one night he would go into the garage and get the tiny 1' prelit christmas tree and make merry, or throw up a strand of lights - but no. </p><p> </p><p>When it came time to send something to Dude? I got some cookies with FS and he opened them and him and a friend ate one box. I was livid. I kept my cool and packed the others. I had found a watch at the Salvation Army before I lost my job, had a battery put in it and wrapped it for Dude. I found a few nice Tshirts there too that I couldnt have afforded in the mall and sent those along. My Mom? My Mom LOVES Christmas - she had a tough time as a child and every Christmas to her is wondrous and she has made it so every year. Presents to the end of the livingroom - joyous music - breakfast - it's awesome. I sent her socks. My sister who decided in Sept. to not have any more to do with me, after I went to the mini-reunion also has my niece not speaking to me for no reason at all other than brainwashing - so there was no card, no call - nothing. My son is diving in dumpsters he tells me - to eat because they are starving since Daddy Disney got arrested and is in jail -and texted me at 5 this morning that he's probably going to go there too. In the mean time? I took my entire savings to try to get a car, and bought a stolen one - the police won't help me - because I didn't have a car I could't get to school - which moved 1.15 hrs. away from my house, and I lost a job starting around $700 a week. Not to worry - I drove my car which is falling apart at 20 years old - and now it's so near death it may not be fixable. lol. </p><p> </p><p>In the mean time? I go to the doctors to get my AD's upped and he tells me I'm about () close to the nutshack - and I haven't even begun to tell him about the rest of the month - you know - cutting off my foodstamps, cutting my unemployment...staying all day at a place to get help with the lights, filling out mounds of paperwork - only to find out THEY don't help that county - send me 20 miles the other way and well - too bad, so sad - they don't have any more vouchers, if I had come earlier yes. Then the food banks here running out of food. oh not like you think - They handed me 5 bags of cookies and 9 bags of collards. So that solved the cookie dilema. hahahaha. </p><p> </p><p>Then just when I think - OMG don't ask if this can get any worse, how sad do you want to feel for yourself today? I'm sitting here crying about myself and just thinking how horrible this all is? The phone rings and DF's Mom asks us to pray for a family in their town. The Father and 3 children were hit by a semi-truck. Two children were killed, one is on life-support and the Father is in ICU - please pray. At that moment? I realized -----somewhere out there is a woman who just lost everything.....and probably wouldn't mind not having a tree in her house, or presents under the tree - or the fact that she could only talk to her son and Mom on the phone - and I felt VERY selfish. </p><p> </p><p>We haven't gotten an update yet - and when it's something that's (right here) for us, it tends to make us not see things even though we say we're blessed.....So Do I think in retrospect I would say something to your boys? Yes. Yes I do. I think I would tell them "I was wrong to say don't get me anything, after I thought about it. Next year - I'll take whatever you bring me." Then I'd tell them I loved them both very much and thank them for listening - and tell them that the ONE TIME they DID listen? Really backfired for you. lol. Maybe for your present in retrospect? They could just listen to you all year long? Or a little more - okay a LOT more. </p><p> </p><p>I understand how you feel - I'm sorry there wasn't any surprise for you - but tell them they have 364 days to get busy on the next surprise. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 397227, member: 4964"] Mutt - I don't know that it's whining....I think it's one of those things where we say "Oh don't worry about getting me anything." and the underlying meaning is "Don't by me a bedspread bed in a bag from Bed Bath and Beyond because I know that you can't afford it, but for goodness sakes - have the initiative to go out on your own and at least get me a box of chocolates from the dollar store for a buck. This year, and except for last year? I have to endure the mopes and supreme depression of DF. Now I can deal mostly with his sadness, his sleeping all day long, all night long, then only eating and doing nothing else. His inability to help or even comment something nice if I put up a tree, or the glazed look he gets when I'd come back from shopping and say "What do you think?" but what I can't take is all the sounds. OM?! The exhales, the sighs, the I'm sorry I've ruined yet again another Christmas for you - (pause) haven't I? (pause) then walks away slowly with head hung. Last year and many years I was supposed to go to my Moms. Something or another has ALWAYS prevented me from going. Either he gets sick, or the car won't run - SOMETHING. I swear to you I thought for the longest he'd purposely get sick before Christmas so I wouldn't go. I'd never SEEEEEEeeeeen anyone get sick EVERY single year at Christmas. EVER. This year - I announced I wasn't going - and voila - no illness. I also told him two years ago how I felt about his moping. But this year? My depression has been at a near all-time high, and honestly? I didn't put up a tree, I didn't go shopping, I didn't plan a dinner - I just tried to stay away from the house and avoid watching DF sleep. I thought 'maybe', just 'maybe' one night he would go into the garage and get the tiny 1' prelit christmas tree and make merry, or throw up a strand of lights - but no. When it came time to send something to Dude? I got some cookies with FS and he opened them and him and a friend ate one box. I was livid. I kept my cool and packed the others. I had found a watch at the Salvation Army before I lost my job, had a battery put in it and wrapped it for Dude. I found a few nice Tshirts there too that I couldnt have afforded in the mall and sent those along. My Mom? My Mom LOVES Christmas - she had a tough time as a child and every Christmas to her is wondrous and she has made it so every year. Presents to the end of the livingroom - joyous music - breakfast - it's awesome. I sent her socks. My sister who decided in Sept. to not have any more to do with me, after I went to the mini-reunion also has my niece not speaking to me for no reason at all other than brainwashing - so there was no card, no call - nothing. My son is diving in dumpsters he tells me - to eat because they are starving since Daddy Disney got arrested and is in jail -and texted me at 5 this morning that he's probably going to go there too. In the mean time? I took my entire savings to try to get a car, and bought a stolen one - the police won't help me - because I didn't have a car I could't get to school - which moved 1.15 hrs. away from my house, and I lost a job starting around $700 a week. Not to worry - I drove my car which is falling apart at 20 years old - and now it's so near death it may not be fixable. lol. In the mean time? I go to the doctors to get my AD's upped and he tells me I'm about () close to the nutshack - and I haven't even begun to tell him about the rest of the month - you know - cutting off my foodstamps, cutting my unemployment...staying all day at a place to get help with the lights, filling out mounds of paperwork - only to find out THEY don't help that county - send me 20 miles the other way and well - too bad, so sad - they don't have any more vouchers, if I had come earlier yes. Then the food banks here running out of food. oh not like you think - They handed me 5 bags of cookies and 9 bags of collards. So that solved the cookie dilema. hahahaha. Then just when I think - OMG don't ask if this can get any worse, how sad do you want to feel for yourself today? I'm sitting here crying about myself and just thinking how horrible this all is? The phone rings and DF's Mom asks us to pray for a family in their town. The Father and 3 children were hit by a semi-truck. Two children were killed, one is on life-support and the Father is in ICU - please pray. At that moment? I realized -----somewhere out there is a woman who just lost everything.....and probably wouldn't mind not having a tree in her house, or presents under the tree - or the fact that she could only talk to her son and Mom on the phone - and I felt VERY selfish. We haven't gotten an update yet - and when it's something that's (right here) for us, it tends to make us not see things even though we say we're blessed.....So Do I think in retrospect I would say something to your boys? Yes. Yes I do. I think I would tell them "I was wrong to say don't get me anything, after I thought about it. Next year - I'll take whatever you bring me." Then I'd tell them I loved them both very much and thank them for listening - and tell them that the ONE TIME they DID listen? Really backfired for you. lol. Maybe for your present in retrospect? They could just listen to you all year long? Or a little more - okay a LOT more. I understand how you feel - I'm sorry there wasn't any surprise for you - but tell them they have 364 days to get busy on the next surprise. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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