Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
feeling very hopeless
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 376311" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>husband's "depression" is obviously an issue, but his behaviour is not what I would associate as primarily depression. It sounds far more passive-aggressive. To be so focussed on himself is a warning flag; for him to interfere and undermine you is NOT consistent with depression. He would be more likely to ignore ALL problems and not have the energy or interest to stir himself to do anything, rather than actively taker over and send things in a different direction. Why do you label this as depression? Is it because husband says he's depressed? Because frankly, he sounds more angry than depressed. It is possible to get them mislabelled; I remember when I had PTSD badly, therapists kept trying to tell me I had post-natal depression and when I read up on it, I knew it didn't fit. I wasn't depressed (even though I would easily burst into tears); I was ANGRY. </p><p></p><p>I'm wondering if husband is feeling resentful of the time and energy (among other costs) involved in raising difficult child. And he then tries to take over from you so he can blame you - "You're a lousy parent, that's the only reason he's a problem, you're doing a lousy job as a mother, move over and let ME fix it" is a way for him to at least partly feel in control, but also express more anger. Because when he does step in and take over, he makes a mess of it and gets loudly out of control. Am I right?</p><p></p><p>It sounds to me like your husband wants to be in control, wants to be the boss of it all, but hasn't got a clue about what to do really, or how to make the right decisions. But he's throwing his weight around anyway because that is what fathers are supposed to do - lay down the law and be in control.</p><p></p><p>If difficult child is throwing tantrums, that needs to be dealt with first and learning outcomes come later. Seeing a therapist frankly is more important, especially at 8. A kid who has Learning Disability (LD) issues will learn better if those issues are being looked into. Your husband needs to be on the same page, which means he has to listen to you, discuss things with you and work with you to jointly make decisions. Failure to do this means he has lost the right to step in and lay down the law. If he wants to have his way all the time with difficult child, then he can be the primary decision-maker and primary carer. But if he expects you to do as much of the work as you are doing, then he has to back off and respect your experience with difficult child. </p><p></p><p>If your husband is so out of touch that he didn't notice the bump on your head, then again, he is not sufficiently in touch to make sound decisions re difficult child's medical care. And if husband DID notice the bump on your head but didn't give a toss, then again, he lacks the empathy needed to help difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Stand your ground with him. While I don't discount the need for someone with depression to get the right sort of help, and it IS a serious condition, I do think that in this case your husband needs to be told to pull his head in, to grow up, to shut up if he can;t support you. And if he whines, "But I'm suffering from depression, that's why," then don't take it. ell him that if depression is making him behave badly, then it also disqualifies him from controlling the decisions.</p><p>He can't have it all his own way and the sooner he gets this through his thick skull, the better.</p><p></p><p>I'm in no way a husband-hating feminist. I have a supportive husband who isn't perfect, but still does his best to work with me as a team. He's had his moments in the past when depression, or passive-aggressiveness reared its head. But we worked on it, we resolved it. Because he was prepared to change, prepared to work with me. We are a team, which is what you need. If you haven't got that, then all you do have is one more difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Keep reading. Then use the techniques on husband too.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 376311, member: 1991"] husband's "depression" is obviously an issue, but his behaviour is not what I would associate as primarily depression. It sounds far more passive-aggressive. To be so focussed on himself is a warning flag; for him to interfere and undermine you is NOT consistent with depression. He would be more likely to ignore ALL problems and not have the energy or interest to stir himself to do anything, rather than actively taker over and send things in a different direction. Why do you label this as depression? Is it because husband says he's depressed? Because frankly, he sounds more angry than depressed. It is possible to get them mislabelled; I remember when I had PTSD badly, therapists kept trying to tell me I had post-natal depression and when I read up on it, I knew it didn't fit. I wasn't depressed (even though I would easily burst into tears); I was ANGRY. I'm wondering if husband is feeling resentful of the time and energy (among other costs) involved in raising difficult child. And he then tries to take over from you so he can blame you - "You're a lousy parent, that's the only reason he's a problem, you're doing a lousy job as a mother, move over and let ME fix it" is a way for him to at least partly feel in control, but also express more anger. Because when he does step in and take over, he makes a mess of it and gets loudly out of control. Am I right? It sounds to me like your husband wants to be in control, wants to be the boss of it all, but hasn't got a clue about what to do really, or how to make the right decisions. But he's throwing his weight around anyway because that is what fathers are supposed to do - lay down the law and be in control. If difficult child is throwing tantrums, that needs to be dealt with first and learning outcomes come later. Seeing a therapist frankly is more important, especially at 8. A kid who has Learning Disability (LD) issues will learn better if those issues are being looked into. Your husband needs to be on the same page, which means he has to listen to you, discuss things with you and work with you to jointly make decisions. Failure to do this means he has lost the right to step in and lay down the law. If he wants to have his way all the time with difficult child, then he can be the primary decision-maker and primary carer. But if he expects you to do as much of the work as you are doing, then he has to back off and respect your experience with difficult child. If your husband is so out of touch that he didn't notice the bump on your head, then again, he is not sufficiently in touch to make sound decisions re difficult child's medical care. And if husband DID notice the bump on your head but didn't give a toss, then again, he lacks the empathy needed to help difficult child. Stand your ground with him. While I don't discount the need for someone with depression to get the right sort of help, and it IS a serious condition, I do think that in this case your husband needs to be told to pull his head in, to grow up, to shut up if he can;t support you. And if he whines, "But I'm suffering from depression, that's why," then don't take it. ell him that if depression is making him behave badly, then it also disqualifies him from controlling the decisions. He can't have it all his own way and the sooner he gets this through his thick skull, the better. I'm in no way a husband-hating feminist. I have a supportive husband who isn't perfect, but still does his best to work with me as a team. He's had his moments in the past when depression, or passive-aggressiveness reared its head. But we worked on it, we resolved it. Because he was prepared to change, prepared to work with me. We are a team, which is what you need. If you haven't got that, then all you do have is one more difficult child. Keep reading. Then use the techniques on husband too. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
feeling very hopeless
Top