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Feelings & Thoughts because of difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 192855" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, I'm going to temper what others have said - I don't think it's quite accurate to say you're not doing anything wrong. One thing I think you ARE doing that you need to try to change, is you're not stopping in your tracks to face him when he begins to abuse you like this. </p><p></p><p>However, I must emphasise - you haven't caused this behaviour. He is abusing you. And I think you have (like so many of us in this situation) begun to retreat into defensiveness in response to the continual abuse. It is very much like the way the underdog responds in spousal abuse. The trouble is, while we do this defensively, it also allows the abuse to continue. And especially with a child, it gives him a sense of power from this bad behaviour which actually encourages him to keep doing this.</p><p></p><p>It would be even more wrong to engage in a tit-for-tat screaming match. You need to calmly stand your ground, make eye contact, stop whatever you're doing and say to him, "Do not criticise me. Do not criticise my job. If you have a problem, then we can deal with it politely. You do not get results when you are rude and abusive."</p><p></p><p>He MUST understand that it is YOUR job that pays for the food he eats. If you stayed home to wait on him hand and foot, you wouldn't have a roof over your heads or food in your bellies. And by crikey, he sure would complain then!</p><p></p><p>He needs to understand reality. He needs to understand accountability. For some kids, this isn't easy to connect the dots. But a beginning - "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" approach to day to day living, would be a start.</p><p></p><p>You have a lot more power here than you realise. Sometimes when we've been subjected to this sort of constant verbal abuse and barrage, we forget this. Our self-esteem hits rock-bottom and this makes it even harder for us to take control back. We retreat into what is going to make things easier, minute to minute, instead of longer-term planning. We have got into the pattern of our daily routine (work, home, meals, bed, breakfast, work, home, meals, washing, bed, breakfast...). I know, I do it too. I will tell difficult child 3 to stop being so demanding and do it for himself, as I unthinkingly begin to do it for him.</p><p></p><p>So sit and think (when he's not around to cloud your concentration). Think about what HE does in his day. What does he really rely on? Meals, organisation, clean clothes, shelter, transport... make your list. Also make a note of what you CAN provide for him because of your job. </p><p></p><p>Then think more. What is the bare minimum he requires? What is the bare minimum you must provide? What would you like him to do, in order to earn more?</p><p></p><p>I would make a list of things you need him to do, to help with, which will also build his life skills. You can do these alongside him so he learns, but he needs to be working with you at least, not standing watching you.</p><p></p><p>Example 1: difficult child 1 wanted fresh elastic put in his tracksuit pants. So I showed him what to do, talked him through it. I showed him where to find more elastic, asked him to put more on the shopping list when I realised we were using the last elastic in the house. I showed him the quick tricks to doing this job. It would have been quicker for me to do it, but it meant that he learnt how to do it for himself. Similarly, he has learnt to sew on buttons, to use a sewing machine, to load and run the washing machine, to hang out the washing the labour-saving way.</p><p></p><p>Example 2: easy child 2/difficult child 2 whined that I never cooked what SHE liked. OK kid, I can't afford lobster for every meal. So I told her she could take over meals for the week in order to have what she wanted. But there was a catch - she had to stick to the same budget I had to; she had to plan the meals for the week to feed everybody in the house with food THEY would eat; she had to shop for the food AND prepare it (or arrange for someone else to do it). I helped her do this (it was a BIG job) and she very soon realised that I was not choosing to cook the same boring meals because I was lazy; it was because we were broke and also needing to meet a wide range of different needs.</p><p>When easy child 2/difficult child 2 took on the job, she had to contend with others at home saying, "I don't like this, it's too spicy," or "Do I HAVE to eat this? What else can I have?" The funniest moment was the look on her face when she heard MY words coming out of her mouth, "If you don't eat it you will have to go hungry, or get yourself something else."</p><p></p><p>If my kids came home from school and loaded up on junk food, ate all the biscuits and chocolate and chips - then I refused to buy any more. If this penalised innocent people in the house - too bad. If it meant friends dropped in for coffee and I had nothing BUT coffee - too bad. If my efforts were not appreciated - I stopped making the effort. I went on strike. Food went back to the bare basics - not quite bread and water, but certainly no added sugar, no favourite foods, nothing but good,very basic nutrition. With the emphasis on BASIC. </p><p>We don't have cable. If we did and a kid behaved like this - I would have it disconnected. Everything not essential - shut off. No TV, no computer games - you can do this by shutting off the electricity, if you have to. Remove the fuses.</p><p></p><p>Whatever it takes.</p><p></p><p>It can be done. It's not easy, it requires some self-sacrifice also, but it IS worth it even though initially it will cause some storms. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 192855, member: 1991"] OK, I'm going to temper what others have said - I don't think it's quite accurate to say you're not doing anything wrong. One thing I think you ARE doing that you need to try to change, is you're not stopping in your tracks to face him when he begins to abuse you like this. However, I must emphasise - you haven't caused this behaviour. He is abusing you. And I think you have (like so many of us in this situation) begun to retreat into defensiveness in response to the continual abuse. It is very much like the way the underdog responds in spousal abuse. The trouble is, while we do this defensively, it also allows the abuse to continue. And especially with a child, it gives him a sense of power from this bad behaviour which actually encourages him to keep doing this. It would be even more wrong to engage in a tit-for-tat screaming match. You need to calmly stand your ground, make eye contact, stop whatever you're doing and say to him, "Do not criticise me. Do not criticise my job. If you have a problem, then we can deal with it politely. You do not get results when you are rude and abusive." He MUST understand that it is YOUR job that pays for the food he eats. If you stayed home to wait on him hand and foot, you wouldn't have a roof over your heads or food in your bellies. And by crikey, he sure would complain then! He needs to understand reality. He needs to understand accountability. For some kids, this isn't easy to connect the dots. But a beginning - "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" approach to day to day living, would be a start. You have a lot more power here than you realise. Sometimes when we've been subjected to this sort of constant verbal abuse and barrage, we forget this. Our self-esteem hits rock-bottom and this makes it even harder for us to take control back. We retreat into what is going to make things easier, minute to minute, instead of longer-term planning. We have got into the pattern of our daily routine (work, home, meals, bed, breakfast, work, home, meals, washing, bed, breakfast...). I know, I do it too. I will tell difficult child 3 to stop being so demanding and do it for himself, as I unthinkingly begin to do it for him. So sit and think (when he's not around to cloud your concentration). Think about what HE does in his day. What does he really rely on? Meals, organisation, clean clothes, shelter, transport... make your list. Also make a note of what you CAN provide for him because of your job. Then think more. What is the bare minimum he requires? What is the bare minimum you must provide? What would you like him to do, in order to earn more? I would make a list of things you need him to do, to help with, which will also build his life skills. You can do these alongside him so he learns, but he needs to be working with you at least, not standing watching you. Example 1: difficult child 1 wanted fresh elastic put in his tracksuit pants. So I showed him what to do, talked him through it. I showed him where to find more elastic, asked him to put more on the shopping list when I realised we were using the last elastic in the house. I showed him the quick tricks to doing this job. It would have been quicker for me to do it, but it meant that he learnt how to do it for himself. Similarly, he has learnt to sew on buttons, to use a sewing machine, to load and run the washing machine, to hang out the washing the labour-saving way. Example 2: easy child 2/difficult child 2 whined that I never cooked what SHE liked. OK kid, I can't afford lobster for every meal. So I told her she could take over meals for the week in order to have what she wanted. But there was a catch - she had to stick to the same budget I had to; she had to plan the meals for the week to feed everybody in the house with food THEY would eat; she had to shop for the food AND prepare it (or arrange for someone else to do it). I helped her do this (it was a BIG job) and she very soon realised that I was not choosing to cook the same boring meals because I was lazy; it was because we were broke and also needing to meet a wide range of different needs. When easy child 2/difficult child 2 took on the job, she had to contend with others at home saying, "I don't like this, it's too spicy," or "Do I HAVE to eat this? What else can I have?" The funniest moment was the look on her face when she heard MY words coming out of her mouth, "If you don't eat it you will have to go hungry, or get yourself something else." If my kids came home from school and loaded up on junk food, ate all the biscuits and chocolate and chips - then I refused to buy any more. If this penalised innocent people in the house - too bad. If it meant friends dropped in for coffee and I had nothing BUT coffee - too bad. If my efforts were not appreciated - I stopped making the effort. I went on strike. Food went back to the bare basics - not quite bread and water, but certainly no added sugar, no favourite foods, nothing but good,very basic nutrition. With the emphasis on BASIC. We don't have cable. If we did and a kid behaved like this - I would have it disconnected. Everything not essential - shut off. No TV, no computer games - you can do this by shutting off the electricity, if you have to. Remove the fuses. Whatever it takes. It can be done. It's not easy, it requires some self-sacrifice also, but it IS worth it even though initially it will cause some storms. Marg [/QUOTE]
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