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Substance Abuse
Feels so wrong
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749949" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I don't think it's a question of trying harder, trying. I think it's something else. Let me try to put this into words. I am so like you.</p><p></p><p>When I focus on my son I feel out of control. And when I feel out of control I panic. I begin to focus upon the negative feeling state and I will do anything to stop it. I don't care what. </p><p></p><p>I think the key here number one is to avoid focusing on my son. And to stay in myself. For me, almost any information is too much. For me, to have a chance to stay stable I have to let him manage his own stuff. Honestly. I am so bad, I can hardly speak to my son. </p><p></p><p>Personally, I think you are getting too much information about your son. </p><p></p><p>If we are just worried, but we keep our focus upon ourselves, we can work with the worry by distracting ourselves. We can draw. We can read. We can take a walk. We can do housework. </p><p></p><p>But when we begin to delve into their circumstances, by investigating their work or school attendance, monitoring their substances, micromanaging their visits to mental health, taking responsibility to arrange things for them that are their business to do, where the consequences befall them, we are outside of our lane. I have done (and do) each one of these things. I tell myself it's okay because the consequences accrue to me. Actually, they don't. That is a boundary issue on my part if I feel that his consequences are mine to suffer.</p><p></p><p>My son is in worse shape than is yours. He does not work. He does not for the most part seek treatment. I know how hard this is.</p><p></p><p>It's not a question of trying, trying. It's a question, actually, of not trying. Not trying to control anything we cannot control. And turning our gaze to where we do have some control. In our own lives.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749949, member: 18958"] I don't think it's a question of trying harder, trying. I think it's something else. Let me try to put this into words. I am so like you. When I focus on my son I feel out of control. And when I feel out of control I panic. I begin to focus upon the negative feeling state and I will do anything to stop it. I don't care what. I think the key here number one is to avoid focusing on my son. And to stay in myself. For me, almost any information is too much. For me, to have a chance to stay stable I have to let him manage his own stuff. Honestly. I am so bad, I can hardly speak to my son. Personally, I think you are getting too much information about your son. If we are just worried, but we keep our focus upon ourselves, we can work with the worry by distracting ourselves. We can draw. We can read. We can take a walk. We can do housework. But when we begin to delve into their circumstances, by investigating their work or school attendance, monitoring their substances, micromanaging their visits to mental health, taking responsibility to arrange things for them that are their business to do, where the consequences befall them, we are outside of our lane. I have done (and do) each one of these things. I tell myself it's okay because the consequences accrue to me. Actually, they don't. That is a boundary issue on my part if I feel that his consequences are mine to suffer. My son is in worse shape than is yours. He does not work. He does not for the most part seek treatment. I know how hard this is. It's not a question of trying, trying. It's a question, actually, of not trying. Not trying to control anything we cannot control. And turning our gaze to where we do have some control. In our own lives. [/QUOTE]
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