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Substance Abuse
Finally threw down the gauntlet....
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 43707" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">My perspective is that your son is training YOU&gt; you are learning your own boundaries and limits.</div></div></p><p></p><p>Well said. In fact, I said as much in that letter to him. I told him that for most of my life, I was your typical Italian male - full of the three B's: Bluster, Bravado, and Bull____. I was also a hardcore type A personality, addicted to anger and adrenaline. Last year, he showed me just how impotent that personality type truly is. When I absolutely had to bring my "A" game up to deal with this, being that kind of person got me NOWHERE!</p><p></p><p>So in a way, he really IS training me. Even if <em>he</em> doesn't get "better", <em>I'm</em> a better person now than I was then because I've started to learn the strength of acting in love instead of acting out of anger.</p><p></p><p>So yes, this is a change for me, but don't break out the hats and horns just yet. I gave him the letter on Saturday, and he hasn't spoken 10 words to either of us since then. We still have to actually sit down and work out the details.</p><p></p><p>The difference, though, is that we <strong>are</strong> now at our limits, and he can choose either the carrot or the stick. The choice was never so stark and plain for him up 'till now. My hope is that when faced with unambiguous choices, he'll choose the carrot, i.e. get help for his pot abuse, keep up the good work in other areas, and start getting back into the swing of the family (which are all things I truly believe he wants to do, but can't because of his addiction).</p><p></p><p>Or, he can OD on testosterone and have an ODD meltdown, in which case he gets the stick. The most likely scenario, though, is he'll nibble at the carrot, and then need some "guidance" with the stick. I have hope, though, that he really does want out of the life he's in, but can't pull the hooks out. Maybe now he'll have enough reason to make the effort. </p><p></p><p>And by way of example, I'll use my grandmother. Daughter of a southern socialite, and a drunk since her early teens. Everybody gave up on her, including my parents (when they were dating). But just after my mother married, my grandmother <strong>founded</strong> the first chapter of AA in my hometown (quite a feat for a divorced southern woman in the '50s). She got her life back in order, got her family back, became president of a local S&L, and was sober from then until the day she died.</p><p></p><p>So I have hope. It can be done, but you have to want it. My hope that he does want it, and when faced with very few choices will finally make the one he knows is right.</p><p></p><p>But, if he doesn't, then the stick is still there, and I'll use it to both keep his attention and protect the rest of my family from his acting out. His choice.</p><p></p><p>Sorry for the analogies: I can't help it since it's the only way I can describe what's going on. :crazy: </p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 43707, member: 3579"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">My perspective is that your son is training YOU> you are learning your own boundaries and limits.</div></div> Well said. In fact, I said as much in that letter to him. I told him that for most of my life, I was your typical Italian male - full of the three B's: Bluster, Bravado, and Bull____. I was also a hardcore type A personality, addicted to anger and adrenaline. Last year, he showed me just how impotent that personality type truly is. When I absolutely had to bring my "A" game up to deal with this, being that kind of person got me NOWHERE! So in a way, he really IS training me. Even if [i]he[/i] doesn't get "better", [i]I'm[/i] a better person now than I was then because I've started to learn the strength of acting in love instead of acting out of anger. So yes, this is a change for me, but don't break out the hats and horns just yet. I gave him the letter on Saturday, and he hasn't spoken 10 words to either of us since then. We still have to actually sit down and work out the details. The difference, though, is that we [b]are[/b] now at our limits, and he can choose either the carrot or the stick. The choice was never so stark and plain for him up 'till now. My hope is that when faced with unambiguous choices, he'll choose the carrot, i.e. get help for his pot abuse, keep up the good work in other areas, and start getting back into the swing of the family (which are all things I truly believe he wants to do, but can't because of his addiction). Or, he can OD on testosterone and have an ODD meltdown, in which case he gets the stick. The most likely scenario, though, is he'll nibble at the carrot, and then need some "guidance" with the stick. I have hope, though, that he really does want out of the life he's in, but can't pull the hooks out. Maybe now he'll have enough reason to make the effort. And by way of example, I'll use my grandmother. Daughter of a southern socialite, and a drunk since her early teens. Everybody gave up on her, including my parents (when they were dating). But just after my mother married, my grandmother [b]founded[/b] the first chapter of AA in my hometown (quite a feat for a divorced southern woman in the '50s). She got her life back in order, got her family back, became president of a local S&L, and was sober from then until the day she died. So I have hope. It can be done, but you have to want it. My hope that he does want it, and when faced with very few choices will finally make the one he knows is right. But, if he doesn't, then the stick is still there, and I'll use it to both keep his attention and protect the rest of my family from his acting out. His choice. Sorry for the analogies: I can't help it since it's the only way I can describe what's going on. [img]:crazy:[/img] Mikey [/QUOTE]
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Finally threw down the gauntlet....
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