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Finding Acceptance within yourself
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<blockquote data-quote="flutterbee" data-source="post: 139829"><p>I feel mostly human today. Finally. It's been a long month. The fatigue hit hard starting the end of February. Then the pain kicked up to where I couldn't stand for more than 2 minutes without being in agony. Then the steroids, the angina and trip to the ER, the morphine reaction which left me feeling battered and bruised for days and then I'm pretty sure what I went through this past week was steroid withdrawal. Not a fun thing. I slept more than I was up and when I was up I felt so confused and just plain out of it and just felt unwell. I still slept a lot today, but I feel better overall. </p><p></p><p>I keep having these dreams - over and over again, though different scenarios - and each time I am so muddled in them. I try to speak and the words won't come out or they don't make any sense when they do come out, I can barely be heard - my voice is so quiet, I don't know where I am, I don't recognize people I should, I feel like my feet and legs are lead, and I'm exhausted. I keep telling people in my dream that it's neurological but it's like nobody hears me. I keep repeating it and shouting it and sometimes screaming it. I'm always so frustrated in my dreams and when I wake up I sometimes have trouble telling at first if it was a dream or if it really happened. They're so vivid.</p><p></p><p>What's strange to me is that in my dream it's neurological and while I am seeing a neurologist and have neurological symptoms, everyone keeps saying my problems are rheumatic. Even the neurologist made that statement at my first appointment. </p><p></p><p>I'm so afraid. What if they can't figure out what it is? What if they decide it's nothing? I spent 4 years going to doctors only to be patted on the hand and treated like a complainer when in fact I had advanced heart disease. I've been at this hard and heavy since September and still no answers. And I'm getting worse. The pain flare has gone (went away sometime this week), which is good, but the other stuff is still there. </p><p></p><p>I was watching a movie tonight and my son asked why I was watching it again. I told him I hadn't seen it. He told me he's come in before a couple of times and I was watching the same movie. I don't remember it. He tells me things and tells me he's told me before and I don't remember it. My daughter tells me things I've told her that I don't remember saying and that don't even sound like something I would say. My son asked me tonight how much I do remember after telling me yet again something I don't remember him telling me before and I responded, "Apparently, not very much." I don't forget everything. I remember that he was late to school Wed and Thurs last week. But, by middle of next week I'll just know he was late to school but I won't know when. It could have been last week or last month for all I'll know.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how I'm going to be feeling tomorrow let alone next week. How do you plan for that? I'm the sole supporter. My parents are paying my rent right now, but they can't do that indefinitely. What am I going to do if I don't get better? How am I going to live like this for the rest of my life? What kind of life is this? What am I going to do when my car dies? </p><p></p><p>I have days where I feel like I can't breathe - it's all so overwhelming. I can't be a good mom when I'm asleep more than I'm awake like this week. What is this doing to my kids? It's totally unfair to them.</p><p></p><p>I keep thinking of the needlepoint, LDM, turned upside down. That's such a good description. I'm trying to take comfort in knowing that God has a plan. I'm just so afraid. Weary.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="flutterbee, post: 139829"] I feel mostly human today. Finally. It's been a long month. The fatigue hit hard starting the end of February. Then the pain kicked up to where I couldn't stand for more than 2 minutes without being in agony. Then the steroids, the angina and trip to the ER, the morphine reaction which left me feeling battered and bruised for days and then I'm pretty sure what I went through this past week was steroid withdrawal. Not a fun thing. I slept more than I was up and when I was up I felt so confused and just plain out of it and just felt unwell. I still slept a lot today, but I feel better overall. I keep having these dreams - over and over again, though different scenarios - and each time I am so muddled in them. I try to speak and the words won't come out or they don't make any sense when they do come out, I can barely be heard - my voice is so quiet, I don't know where I am, I don't recognize people I should, I feel like my feet and legs are lead, and I'm exhausted. I keep telling people in my dream that it's neurological but it's like nobody hears me. I keep repeating it and shouting it and sometimes screaming it. I'm always so frustrated in my dreams and when I wake up I sometimes have trouble telling at first if it was a dream or if it really happened. They're so vivid. What's strange to me is that in my dream it's neurological and while I am seeing a neurologist and have neurological symptoms, everyone keeps saying my problems are rheumatic. Even the neurologist made that statement at my first appointment. I'm so afraid. What if they can't figure out what it is? What if they decide it's nothing? I spent 4 years going to doctors only to be patted on the hand and treated like a complainer when in fact I had advanced heart disease. I've been at this hard and heavy since September and still no answers. And I'm getting worse. The pain flare has gone (went away sometime this week), which is good, but the other stuff is still there. I was watching a movie tonight and my son asked why I was watching it again. I told him I hadn't seen it. He told me he's come in before a couple of times and I was watching the same movie. I don't remember it. He tells me things and tells me he's told me before and I don't remember it. My daughter tells me things I've told her that I don't remember saying and that don't even sound like something I would say. My son asked me tonight how much I do remember after telling me yet again something I don't remember him telling me before and I responded, "Apparently, not very much." I don't forget everything. I remember that he was late to school Wed and Thurs last week. But, by middle of next week I'll just know he was late to school but I won't know when. It could have been last week or last month for all I'll know. I don't know how I'm going to be feeling tomorrow let alone next week. How do you plan for that? I'm the sole supporter. My parents are paying my rent right now, but they can't do that indefinitely. What am I going to do if I don't get better? How am I going to live like this for the rest of my life? What kind of life is this? What am I going to do when my car dies? I have days where I feel like I can't breathe - it's all so overwhelming. I can't be a good mom when I'm asleep more than I'm awake like this week. What is this doing to my kids? It's totally unfair to them. I keep thinking of the needlepoint, LDM, turned upside down. That's such a good description. I'm trying to take comfort in knowing that God has a plan. I'm just so afraid. Weary. [/QUOTE]
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