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Dear Helpless


I am so very sorry.


There are so many questions. Some may never be answered. That is why it is so essential that we begin to put our center of gravity back in us, not in our wayward children. We need to make them responsible for their behavior when it affects us.  None of this is your fault. However, there were times when you were your son's victim. He needed to be held accountable then, as he will hopefully be held accountable now.


This is a serious felony. I hope for your son's sake that he is held responsible and punished. Whether your son remembers or not is not the major issue. The major issue is he did it.


My own son has recently been in a serious altercation. My son is mentally ill. I fear too that his judgment will be impaired and he will seriously hurt somebody.


Finally, your son is in such bad straits now it must be faced that he is no longer your baby. He needs to handle his own messes, not be asking his Mama to intervene for him.  How could he be unaware that such a thing happened? He is in jail and he has been charged.


Clearly, there is something wrong here. He is not accepting responsibility in a meaningful way or he would have shame. Even though he did not himself make the phone call, he knew that there was a great chance that you would become aware of the circumstances of his offense. Was he indifferent? Was this one more incidence of his being uncaring of how you feel and what you are exposed to? Isn't there a pattern here?


Could it be that you as well as he is not facing up to the reality of who he is and what he does, in this case, what he does to you? How could he put you up to this call, knowing that you would likely be put in this situation? It goes over the edge of decency just like those other times.


Helpless.  You have got to look in the mirror and be straight with yourself about who your son is. Who he has become. And then make some firm boundaries, both in terms of your dealings with him and in terms of your own thinking and feelings about him.


To answer your question, it could be drugs. But not entirely. Meth changes the brain. It can take years before the brain can be normalized. And it may take even longer for empathy and compassion to develop in a person, let alone self-awareness and responsibility.


The more you hover around him like he is a baby, the worse it is for you. He has become a predator. He is not a baby. Let him mature, helpless.  He has a shot if he gets prison time. But there is not one good thing that will come from loving him like a little boy.


He has become dangerous. I don't believe he is good for you. And I don't think you are good for him. Let him face the music. Let him become a man. Hold him responsible for his acts.


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