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First time on here .... Eeeekkk
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 676357" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hello there UKMummy, welcome to the forum. Sorry for your need to be here and your hurting heart.</p><p>Pot seems to be a factor in a lot of posts here. It is for my d c's as well. Problems just seemed to escalate from there.</p><p> </p><p> I could have written much of this concerning my two. I am sorry for the heartache of it.</p><p></p><p>I understand this not feeling whole, our d c's have a way of creating this empty spot, but you know what? I think they instinctively know this, and feed off of it...<em>and we worry about them and their happiness</em>. This is a very unbalanced relationship to have with anyone<em>, including our own children.</em></p><p></p><p> UGH. This is the resume' for our d c's. Describes my two. You know what? <em><strong>Too, bad for them</strong>. </em>These are consequences for the choices <em>they have made. </em></p><p></p><p> UKM, please reread this second part. He cannot bear to see you happy? What kind of kid, tells his mom this, with his hand out, wanting you to support him most of the time?</p><p>You do not have anything to feel guilty about. Our kids, bitterly complain about their lives, their upbringing, wanting us to feel badly and guilty, because it keeps us in their game. They are smart, they know just how to manipulate us, and guilt is the biggest factor. Do not fall for this.</p><p></p><p> Good, do not give him money. He will only use it for drugs.</p><p></p><p> You are in a strong position with this mindset. I feel the same with my two, they will not live at home again. They do not look at me the way I feel about my mom, I love her. My d c's try to take advantage of us, they feel entitled, because they are our children. Loving kindness is NOT reciprocated. I have come to see the imbalance and unfairness of this. We are not rugs to be tread upon by ANYBODY, much more so, by our own adult children.</p><p></p><p> Guilt...I have been there... But you know what? Nobody is a perfect parent, we all make mistakes. Guilt is not good. Do not deal with it, get rid of it. It doesn't belong to you. Your son is making bad choices, it is on him, not you. Choose? Choose between people who treat you with respect, and somone who doesn't. There is no choice of your doing, it is his choice to be disrespectful. He is making the choices, not you. You choose to stand up for yourself, your right to be treated decently, period.</p><p></p><p> no money. You do not need to give him advice either, he knows right from wrong. Take a step back, and let him figure it out. He won't listen to you, anyway.</p><p></p><p> Nothing hits home with anyone who does not respect you. That is the key. We cannot help someone who will not help themselves. Especially if they despise us, what we say, but at the same time hold their hands out constantly for help- ie - MONEY. They are saying "Don't tell me what to do, just give me money." Well, that is not life.</p><p></p><p>Many here, find that once we step back, set boundaries, stop feeling guilty, our d c's are forced to deal with their own choices and subsequent consequences. We will not be around to rescue our kids forever, the sooner they learn to take responsibility for their paths, the better.</p><p>You have already detached by not having your son live with you. Me too, with my two. Now to work on detaching emotionally. We can still love them, but not be so twisted up emotionally with their choices and complaints. The PE forum has a good article on detachment it is good to read over and again. I am working on it, still. It is hard, being a mom, and dealing with all of this. I am glad you found us, keep posting, it really helps. You are not alone, there are many here going through a similar journey. Take good care, and be kind to yourself.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 676357, member: 19522"] Hello there UKMummy, welcome to the forum. Sorry for your need to be here and your hurting heart. Pot seems to be a factor in a lot of posts here. It is for my d c's as well. Problems just seemed to escalate from there. I could have written much of this concerning my two. I am sorry for the heartache of it. I understand this not feeling whole, our d c's have a way of creating this empty spot, but you know what? I think they instinctively know this, and feed off of it...[I]and we worry about them and their happiness[/I]. This is a very unbalanced relationship to have with anyone[I], including our own children.[/I] UGH. This is the resume' for our d c's. Describes my two. You know what? [I][B]Too, bad for them[/B]. [/I]These are consequences for the choices [I]they have made. [/I] UKM, please reread this second part. He cannot bear to see you happy? What kind of kid, tells his mom this, with his hand out, wanting you to support him most of the time? You do not have anything to feel guilty about. Our kids, bitterly complain about their lives, their upbringing, wanting us to feel badly and guilty, because it keeps us in their game. They are smart, they know just how to manipulate us, and guilt is the biggest factor. Do not fall for this. Good, do not give him money. He will only use it for drugs. You are in a strong position with this mindset. I feel the same with my two, they will not live at home again. They do not look at me the way I feel about my mom, I love her. My d c's try to take advantage of us, they feel entitled, because they are our children. Loving kindness is NOT reciprocated. I have come to see the imbalance and unfairness of this. We are not rugs to be tread upon by ANYBODY, much more so, by our own adult children. Guilt...I have been there... But you know what? Nobody is a perfect parent, we all make mistakes. Guilt is not good. Do not deal with it, get rid of it. It doesn't belong to you. Your son is making bad choices, it is on him, not you. Choose? Choose between people who treat you with respect, and somone who doesn't. There is no choice of your doing, it is his choice to be disrespectful. He is making the choices, not you. You choose to stand up for yourself, your right to be treated decently, period. no money. You do not need to give him advice either, he knows right from wrong. Take a step back, and let him figure it out. He won't listen to you, anyway. Nothing hits home with anyone who does not respect you. That is the key. We cannot help someone who will not help themselves. Especially if they despise us, what we say, but at the same time hold their hands out constantly for help- ie - MONEY. They are saying "Don't tell me what to do, just give me money." Well, that is not life. Many here, find that once we step back, set boundaries, stop feeling guilty, our d c's are forced to deal with their own choices and subsequent consequences. We will not be around to rescue our kids forever, the sooner they learn to take responsibility for their paths, the better. You have already detached by not having your son live with you. Me too, with my two. Now to work on detaching emotionally. We can still love them, but not be so twisted up emotionally with their choices and complaints. The PE forum has a good article on detachment it is good to read over and again. I am working on it, still. It is hard, being a mom, and dealing with all of this. I am glad you found us, keep posting, it really helps. You are not alone, there are many here going through a similar journey. Take good care, and be kind to yourself. (((Hugs))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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