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First time on here .... Eeeekkk
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 676471" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Good Morning UK Mummy and welcome. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like you have already made a lot of progress, and you have determined a lot of things about your relationship with him already. Kudos to you for your progress. It's a journey. It's so good when we know that they can't live with us in our homes anymore. It's good for us, and it's good for them. And it's still hard. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You can't help him take responsibility. He already knows, as others have said, the difference between right and wrong. He just doesn't want to do it. When they are in the throes of drug use, all bets are off. In fact, it's like trying to talk to a wall. You are wasting your breath. Don't put any energy anymore giving advice to him. It's hard to do, because we keep thinking that just the right words will break through. It's not going to happen. THEY ALREADY KNOW. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Many people on this forum talk about guilt. I think it is common, as parents, especially mothers of sons (the toughest combination), for us to examine what we did, what we said, what we could have said and done, and somehow, someway, think that their drug use and failure to launch is our fault, even if we have other children who have well-launched from the same household and virtually the same upbringing. People are different, that's for sure, but when you step away from the situation and look at it objectively, you know that you did nothing to bring this about, allow it or cause it. </p><p></p><p>Also, look at what you wrote, "he makes me feel..." He can't make you feel anything. Your feelings are your own and they are real. </p><p></p><p>But a real core truth I learned in Al-Anon is this: Feelings aren't facts. I had to think about that one for a long time, because I am a tried-and-true "feelings" person, but this is bedrock truth. We feel something and those emotions are real, but they may not at all be based on any truth or facts. So...what to do? Stay with our feelings, feel them, but do not act on them, and let them go, in a few hours or a day or two. Let them come, and then let them go. But don't act on them. </p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>This is so very true. Meditate on this. This is real and true and something to hang on to. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Again, no more advice. No more information. When I just couldn't stand it, the fact that there became truly nothing to say to my son except, Hi, how are you? I'm sure you will figure it all out. I love you. sometimes I would collect and give him information about community services for homeless people, transportation, food pantries, clothing pantries, etc. I would give it to him, primarily for myself, because another thing I learned is that people on the street are very well aware of what's available to them. They know more than we can imagine about where to go for shelter, food, showers, clothing, etc. </p><p></p><p>Keep working on yourself and moving toward more progress. The goal is accepting people, our difficult children, for exactly who they are and the circumstances they are in. They have put themselves there by their own decisions and choices. And when they decide to change and do better, we will know it and it will be crystal clear. Until then, there is little to nothing that we can do or should do. </p><p></p><p>Learning to accept other people is hard. The pathway to this acceptance is loving detachment. There are many books, programs, etc., out there to help you. If you haven't yet gone to Al-Anon, I recommend it highly. It has changed my life and I work the program still, even as my son has been doing so much better for more than 18 months. Al-Anon gives me peace, and teaches me about letting go of all people, places and things. It is a marvelous way to live life and I am a much happier person today than I ever was before all of this.</p><p></p><p>We're glad you're here and we so understand the burden and the struggle. We're here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 676471, member: 17542"] Good Morning UK Mummy and welcome. It sounds like you have already made a lot of progress, and you have determined a lot of things about your relationship with him already. Kudos to you for your progress. It's a journey. It's so good when we know that they can't live with us in our homes anymore. It's good for us, and it's good for them. And it's still hard. You can't help him take responsibility. He already knows, as others have said, the difference between right and wrong. He just doesn't want to do it. When they are in the throes of drug use, all bets are off. In fact, it's like trying to talk to a wall. You are wasting your breath. Don't put any energy anymore giving advice to him. It's hard to do, because we keep thinking that just the right words will break through. It's not going to happen. THEY ALREADY KNOW. Many people on this forum talk about guilt. I think it is common, as parents, especially mothers of sons (the toughest combination), for us to examine what we did, what we said, what we could have said and done, and somehow, someway, think that their drug use and failure to launch is our fault, even if we have other children who have well-launched from the same household and virtually the same upbringing. People are different, that's for sure, but when you step away from the situation and look at it objectively, you know that you did nothing to bring this about, allow it or cause it. Also, look at what you wrote, "he makes me feel..." He can't make you feel anything. Your feelings are your own and they are real. But a real core truth I learned in Al-Anon is this: Feelings aren't facts. I had to think about that one for a long time, because I am a tried-and-true "feelings" person, but this is bedrock truth. We feel something and those emotions are real, but they may not at all be based on any truth or facts. So...what to do? Stay with our feelings, feel them, but do not act on them, and let them go, in a few hours or a day or two. Let them come, and then let them go. But don't act on them. This is so very true. Meditate on this. This is real and true and something to hang on to. Again, no more advice. No more information. When I just couldn't stand it, the fact that there became truly nothing to say to my son except, Hi, how are you? I'm sure you will figure it all out. I love you. sometimes I would collect and give him information about community services for homeless people, transportation, food pantries, clothing pantries, etc. I would give it to him, primarily for myself, because another thing I learned is that people on the street are very well aware of what's available to them. They know more than we can imagine about where to go for shelter, food, showers, clothing, etc. Keep working on yourself and moving toward more progress. The goal is accepting people, our difficult children, for exactly who they are and the circumstances they are in. They have put themselves there by their own decisions and choices. And when they decide to change and do better, we will know it and it will be crystal clear. Until then, there is little to nothing that we can do or should do. Learning to accept other people is hard. The pathway to this acceptance is loving detachment. There are many books, programs, etc., out there to help you. If you haven't yet gone to Al-Anon, I recommend it highly. It has changed my life and I work the program still, even as my son has been doing so much better for more than 18 months. Al-Anon gives me peace, and teaches me about letting go of all people, places and things. It is a marvelous way to live life and I am a much happier person today than I ever was before all of this. We're glad you're here and we so understand the burden and the struggle. We're here for you. [/QUOTE]
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