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First time posting, son 31, heroin addict, living at home, sober and stable for months, then not
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 730628" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Patty and welcome to CD. I am so sorry for your need to be here.</p><p>Your situation is similar to mine in that my hubs was sort of non involved with the decision making concerning my two daughters. He was not in good health, still working and I think it was just too much for him to deal with.</p><p>So, I took charge.</p><p>It was hard because my daughters triangulated, I became the “bad guy”.</p><p>Too bad.</p><p>They are 29 and 38.</p><p>Old enough to know better, do better. They have to want that, didn’t happen in my home, they were too, comfortable with status quo, <em>I sure wasn’t.</em></p><p>After years of drinking and dabbling with drug use, if there were underlying mental health issues, whatever they may be, they are now exacerbated by full blown meth use now.</p><p>We went through all sorts of stuff and there were <em>always excuses and denial</em>. Drug addicts lie, they are not trustworthy.</p><p>My home became a <em>rescue mission</em>, they would straighten up for a few days, then when they settled in, slide into their routine of crazy and no responsibility.</p><p>It was awful.</p><p>I realized our “helping” them was not really helping them, they were living skid row, <em>in my home</em>.</p><p>I didn’t want to be there!</p><p>They felt we were obligated to house them, while they continued <em>as is</em>. No job, no money, no help around the house, just stagnated.</p><p>So were we, <em>stagnated</em>, stuck in the rut right along with them. We both worked and are not wealthy, so of course economics comes into play and is appropriate to look at.</p><p>Then there is the fact that we raised them to be responsible people, as adults, it just was not happening.</p><p>They stole from us.</p><p>Not just the jewelry, money from our wallets, they stole <em>time</em>. The stress and anxiety took its toll.</p><p>We would go off to work, and they would sleep in. Huh. What a mess.</p><p>Hubs health worsened, and that did not make them change. He passed, and that did not change their course.</p><p>In fact, my younger of the two thought she would move back home. I had to tell her no, go to a rehab, go to a shelter.</p><p>It was hard, in my grief, to stand up for myself. But I knew I had to do it. I was standing up for her as well, because <em>she just did not get any better at home,</em> and brought so much chaos and drama along with her.</p><p>It is a hard place to be for us mothers. We worked diligently when the kids were young to provide a home, three squares, ferried the kids about, provided opportunities.</p><p>When they grow up and fail to launch, we go into a grief process that takes time and work to find our way through.</p><p>My two are out there, wayward, drifting, drugging. I don’t hear from them because they know they can’t live with me. It is hard, but when I feel myself slipping into the sadness of it, I pray. I am sorry your church people were so judgmental. I have faith, but do not attend church. I find God in nature. So, I gave my two back to Him and pray they find their potential. It comforts me, I sure as heck couldn’t help them,the many times we tried proved it.</p><p></p><p>We will not be around forever to pick up the pieces for our kids. Whatever their issues are, past incidents from childhood haunting them, drug use, mental health, they have got to learn to stand on their own two feet.</p><p>The other side of the coin to <em>us not getting any younger, to be around to care for them....</em> is.......how do we live the best rest of our lives?</p><p>When I was tangled up with what my two were doing, trying desperately to help them, my health, happiness and sanity was not even a consideration. </p><p>A few crazy episodes shook me up and made me see the light, that my two were addicted and selfish, saw nothing wrong with living as they did, even though it made life miserable for the very people who were trying to help them.</p><p>Nothing changes, if nothing changes.</p><p>You sound like you are right about this corner, where you see that this is true.</p><p>What to do next, is the issue.</p><p>Start simply, with switching focus to strengthening yourself. You have been through the wringer with this, honor that, and take steps to find your “Towanda” <em><u>Fried Green Tomatoes</u>. </em></p><p>For a long time our focus is so intent on <em>fixing the addict,</em> we neglect ourselves.</p><p>Then, self care seems <em>selfish. </em></p><p>We trade our peace and joy, as if a bargaining for the kids to get well. “How can I be happy, when my child is so messed up?”</p><p>You didn’t cause your sons addiction, can’t control it, or fix it.</p><p>What we wish most for our adult kids is to take care of themselves, be self sufficient.</p><p>So, taking care of ourselves should be important as well.</p><p>When we are fit, physically, spiritually, mentally, we can make decisions from a firmer foundation and start to set healthy boundaries.</p><p>I think your plan to seek a counselor who is knowledgeable about addiction is a wonderful start.</p><p>You are here, sharing your story and receiving some excellent advice.</p><p>Keep posting, it helps to write it out and receive feedback for others who have gone through similar journeys. Take what is useful and leave the rest.</p><p>Please know you are not alone.</p><p>Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. This has been a long road for most of us, change does not come all at once. It is a challenge, but the goal is for stability, maintaining the sanctity of your home, finding ways back to your peace and joy.</p><p>It is entirely possible, even if the kids are stumbling.</p><p>You have worth, you matter, your well being is number one. Welcome again Patty, let us know how you are doing. We do care about our fellow warrior sisters.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 730628, member: 19522"] Hi Patty and welcome to CD. I am so sorry for your need to be here. Your situation is similar to mine in that my hubs was sort of non involved with the decision making concerning my two daughters. He was not in good health, still working and I think it was just too much for him to deal with. So, I took charge. It was hard because my daughters triangulated, I became the “bad guy”. Too bad. They are 29 and 38. Old enough to know better, do better. They have to want that, didn’t happen in my home, they were too, comfortable with status quo, [I]I sure wasn’t.[/I] After years of drinking and dabbling with drug use, if there were underlying mental health issues, whatever they may be, they are now exacerbated by full blown meth use now. We went through all sorts of stuff and there were [I]always excuses and denial[/I]. Drug addicts lie, they are not trustworthy. My home became a [I]rescue mission[/I], they would straighten up for a few days, then when they settled in, slide into their routine of crazy and no responsibility. It was awful. I realized our “helping” them was not really helping them, they were living skid row, [I]in my home[/I]. I didn’t want to be there! They felt we were obligated to house them, while they continued [I]as is[/I]. No job, no money, no help around the house, just stagnated. So were we, [I]stagnated[/I], stuck in the rut right along with them. We both worked and are not wealthy, so of course economics comes into play and is appropriate to look at. Then there is the fact that we raised them to be responsible people, as adults, it just was not happening. They stole from us. Not just the jewelry, money from our wallets, they stole [I]time[/I]. The stress and anxiety took its toll. We would go off to work, and they would sleep in. Huh. What a mess. Hubs health worsened, and that did not make them change. He passed, and that did not change their course. In fact, my younger of the two thought she would move back home. I had to tell her no, go to a rehab, go to a shelter. It was hard, in my grief, to stand up for myself. But I knew I had to do it. I was standing up for her as well, because [I]she just did not get any better at home,[/I] and brought so much chaos and drama along with her. It is a hard place to be for us mothers. We worked diligently when the kids were young to provide a home, three squares, ferried the kids about, provided opportunities. When they grow up and fail to launch, we go into a grief process that takes time and work to find our way through. My two are out there, wayward, drifting, drugging. I don’t hear from them because they know they can’t live with me. It is hard, but when I feel myself slipping into the sadness of it, I pray. I am sorry your church people were so judgmental. I have faith, but do not attend church. I find God in nature. So, I gave my two back to Him and pray they find their potential. It comforts me, I sure as heck couldn’t help them,the many times we tried proved it. We will not be around forever to pick up the pieces for our kids. Whatever their issues are, past incidents from childhood haunting them, drug use, mental health, they have got to learn to stand on their own two feet. The other side of the coin to [I]us not getting any younger, to be around to care for them....[/I] is.......how do we live the best rest of our lives? When I was tangled up with what my two were doing, trying desperately to help them, my health, happiness and sanity was not even a consideration. A few crazy episodes shook me up and made me see the light, that my two were addicted and selfish, saw nothing wrong with living as they did, even though it made life miserable for the very people who were trying to help them. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. You sound like you are right about this corner, where you see that this is true. What to do next, is the issue. Start simply, with switching focus to strengthening yourself. You have been through the wringer with this, honor that, and take steps to find your “Towanda” [I][U]Fried Green Tomatoes[/U]. [/I] For a long time our focus is so intent on [I]fixing the addict,[/I] we neglect ourselves. Then, self care seems [I]selfish. [/I] We trade our peace and joy, as if a bargaining for the kids to get well. “How can I be happy, when my child is so messed up?” You didn’t cause your sons addiction, can’t control it, or fix it. What we wish most for our adult kids is to take care of themselves, be self sufficient. So, taking care of ourselves should be important as well. When we are fit, physically, spiritually, mentally, we can make decisions from a firmer foundation and start to set healthy boundaries. I think your plan to seek a counselor who is knowledgeable about addiction is a wonderful start. You are here, sharing your story and receiving some excellent advice. Keep posting, it helps to write it out and receive feedback for others who have gone through similar journeys. Take what is useful and leave the rest. Please know you are not alone. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. This has been a long road for most of us, change does not come all at once. It is a challenge, but the goal is for stability, maintaining the sanctity of your home, finding ways back to your peace and joy. It is entirely possible, even if the kids are stumbling. You have worth, you matter, your well being is number one. Welcome again Patty, let us know how you are doing. We do care about our fellow warrior sisters. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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First time posting, son 31, heroin addict, living at home, sober and stable for months, then not
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