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First time posting, son 31, heroin addict, living at home, sober and stable for months, then not
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 730643" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Thank you for your kindness Patty. I am coming up on the two year mark and find that I am at times, reliving events leading up to hubs passing. Intertwined with the grief of losing my mate of 36 years, I grieve in a different way for those lost but still living.</p><p>My two daughters have made choices that have damaged them and our ability to have a relationship, for now. I try to channel my dad’s stoicism, “It is what it is” when that doesn’t work, I’ll have a good cry and pray.</p><p>I am so sorry for the challenges you have faced. It seems you and I have travelled similar paths. I have found that keeping busy, has helped. I also have three children who are doing well. That is my saving grace. My youngest, still in high school keeps me on track. I simply have to be of sound mind, for his sake.</p><p></p><p> This is my story as well with my two. The interesting thing is the lack of gratitude. The feeling of entitlement, disrespect and disregard for parents.</p><p></p><p></p><p>It is hard when we want better for them, more than they do. My two would feign illness, really it was them coming down from a high. They would be super moody and short, phone would ring, instant personality change. Ugh.</p><p>That was me, too. That awful feeling going off to work as they snored away. Most days I would come home to a mess. Hubs just retreated into the bedroom.</p><p></p><p> I am sorry, I know how tough that is. You are justifiably miserable and so <em>not selfish.</em></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have definitely been through the wringer, and so have you. You can get through this. But, it won’t happen all at once because you have your hubs on a different page. This is not wrong of him, everyone has their own way of dealing, their own timeframe. That is why those of us who have posted here for awhile try to be as gentle as we can, understanding that folks coming here to post are at a very delicate place in their lives. We are on similar journeys at different points on the pathway.</p><p> It is hard to take action when your partner does not want to discuss it. That’s how it was for me. Hubs was not a talker. He didn’t want to go to counseling. I didn’t realize how ill he was, until we lost him. Looking back now, I understand more why he felt the way he did. It is not only cultural for his ethnicity to care for family <em>no matter what,</em> he was raised in the turmoil we were living. That made it immensely difficult for him. His whole life as a father was focused on his kids <em>not living the way he did.</em> It was devastating to him to have his beloved firstborn and third born take this route. Add three grands in the mix, that is a nightmare.</p><p>I am not saying his stance was okay. I could not put up with the way we were living. I bore the brunt of it. Like you, I had enough.</p><p>What forced the hand was a dramatic episode with my Tornado, mom of my three grands. It was horrible and left my 14 year old son sobbing. That opened my eyes wide and I uttered the words “nevermore”. Done.</p><p> I am not so strong, it was the outrageous chaos and drama that fueled me, as well as seeing my young son curled up in fetal position on my bed crying his heart out with the frustration of years of the bs that went on.</p><p>I saw myself through his reaction. What was happening inside of me. Then what was happening to him and his sisters.</p><p></p><p> You are at the point where you know something has got to give.</p><p>When I was there, I wanted things to be made right. I was fast tracking. I was fed up.</p><p>I have read here, and also encouraged others to <em>slow way down. </em>You have time to think this through and to figure out next steps.</p><p></p><p> I pray constantly as well. I am glad you found us and have a safe place to share your story.</p><p></p><p> I am sorry. Having to be responsible for finances with your husband and son spending like turning on tap water is crazy making.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I’m glad you have an outlet with your art. It must be difficult to be productive under the circumstances. I am a creative person as well, but find it hard to express that when stressed. I literally stopped, because tapping into my creativity meant.....<em>feeling</em>. I had to maintain this tough shell to bounce off the craziness.</p><p> I am sorry Patty, this is a tough place to be. I am hoping your hubs will try and meet you at least half way, go to counseling with you, <em>something</em>.</p><p></p><p> One small step, sometimes one breath at a time. Try not to write the end of the story. Keep praying and working on yourself. The answers will come. Hang in there girl, you will get through this and we will be with you.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 730643, member: 19522"] Thank you for your kindness Patty. I am coming up on the two year mark and find that I am at times, reliving events leading up to hubs passing. Intertwined with the grief of losing my mate of 36 years, I grieve in a different way for those lost but still living. My two daughters have made choices that have damaged them and our ability to have a relationship, for now. I try to channel my dad’s stoicism, “It is what it is” when that doesn’t work, I’ll have a good cry and pray. I am so sorry for the challenges you have faced. It seems you and I have travelled similar paths. I have found that keeping busy, has helped. I also have three children who are doing well. That is my saving grace. My youngest, still in high school keeps me on track. I simply have to be of sound mind, for his sake. This is my story as well with my two. The interesting thing is the lack of gratitude. The feeling of entitlement, disrespect and disregard for parents. It is hard when we want better for them, more than they do. My two would feign illness, really it was them coming down from a high. They would be super moody and short, phone would ring, instant personality change. Ugh. That was me, too. That awful feeling going off to work as they snored away. Most days I would come home to a mess. Hubs just retreated into the bedroom. I am sorry, I know how tough that is. You are justifiably miserable and so [I]not selfish.[/I] I have definitely been through the wringer, and so have you. You can get through this. But, it won’t happen all at once because you have your hubs on a different page. This is not wrong of him, everyone has their own way of dealing, their own timeframe. That is why those of us who have posted here for awhile try to be as gentle as we can, understanding that folks coming here to post are at a very delicate place in their lives. We are on similar journeys at different points on the pathway. It is hard to take action when your partner does not want to discuss it. That’s how it was for me. Hubs was not a talker. He didn’t want to go to counseling. I didn’t realize how ill he was, until we lost him. Looking back now, I understand more why he felt the way he did. It is not only cultural for his ethnicity to care for family [I]no matter what,[/I] he was raised in the turmoil we were living. That made it immensely difficult for him. His whole life as a father was focused on his kids [I]not living the way he did.[/I] It was devastating to him to have his beloved firstborn and third born take this route. Add three grands in the mix, that is a nightmare. I am not saying his stance was okay. I could not put up with the way we were living. I bore the brunt of it. Like you, I had enough. What forced the hand was a dramatic episode with my Tornado, mom of my three grands. It was horrible and left my 14 year old son sobbing. That opened my eyes wide and I uttered the words “nevermore”. Done. I am not so strong, it was the outrageous chaos and drama that fueled me, as well as seeing my young son curled up in fetal position on my bed crying his heart out with the frustration of years of the bs that went on. I saw myself through his reaction. What was happening inside of me. Then what was happening to him and his sisters. You are at the point where you know something has got to give. When I was there, I wanted things to be made right. I was fast tracking. I was fed up. I have read here, and also encouraged others to [I]slow way down. [/I]You have time to think this through and to figure out next steps. I pray constantly as well. I am glad you found us and have a safe place to share your story. I am sorry. Having to be responsible for finances with your husband and son spending like turning on tap water is crazy making. I’m glad you have an outlet with your art. It must be difficult to be productive under the circumstances. I am a creative person as well, but find it hard to express that when stressed. I literally stopped, because tapping into my creativity meant.....[I]feeling[/I]. I had to maintain this tough shell to bounce off the craziness. I am sorry Patty, this is a tough place to be. I am hoping your hubs will try and meet you at least half way, go to counseling with you, [I]something[/I]. One small step, sometimes one breath at a time. Try not to write the end of the story. Keep praying and working on yourself. The answers will come. Hang in there girl, you will get through this and we will be with you. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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