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First time posting, son 31, heroin addict, living at home, sober and stable for months, then not
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<blockquote data-quote="PattyK" data-source="post: 730675" data-attributes="member: 22937"><p>Copabanana and Recoveringenabler thank you for your posts. My first response is to Copabanana. Your post brought something out that should have been obvious to me but hasn’t until now. And that is my son might get worse not better without our support. That has happened in the past. He states when he is alone and without our support he quits caring about sobriety and thinks what the hell. He feels hopeless and lost. He falls back into heavier than normal drug use and lives under a bush. I know thats his choice. I have lived with the fantasy of him acting like a responsible adult man, but as you say, that might never happen. That makes me so sad. Even though it isn’t ideal according to our traditional American culture I could actually handle him living at home IF he were holding down a job, getting to work on time, doing his job without getting into power struggles with the boss every day and getting fired for various reasons, cleaning up behind himself in the home, pitching in with home chores and just all the stuff that goes with home ownership, etc. everyone knows what I mean. But he doesn’t do any of that. And it is for that black hole of endless needs, selfishly taking, never getting enough from us but always needing yet one more thing from us, having to be asked to clean up behind himself, never trying to be helpful just because its the right thing..... That sort of thing is what I cannot overlook. He has had periods of good and helpful choices, but they are rare and mixed with months of out of control selfish existence. And maybe forcing him to be on his own will just result in a total death spiral for him. I can accept that life is harder for some than for others. What I can’t accept is his utter selfishness. And you are right about rehab. We forced him into rehab when he was younger because it frankly was what he needed. But no one can force that now. And you are right in your assessment of that matter. My husband is not the sharing type. He feels our business is not to be put out there. Because I have always done “life” ( bills, taxes, finances, family business, childcare, etc) none of this stuff impacts him. But of course he contributes to the successful home life in his lifetime of hard work, loving acceptance and deep commitment to our family and faith. But he has been depleted by a physically demanding job in the outdoors, his own addiction issues, chronic backpain and a lifetime of depression. I think frankly he wishes I would accept our son as he is and quit rocking the boat. If I would just quit expecting our son to support himself and occasionally think of others then life would be peaceful. He is full of loving acceptance and does not wish to force any issues with him. Perhaps I’m the problem here....</p><p></p><p>Recoveringenabler, thank you for the generous list of helpful resources. I have read some of the books you mentioned. And I am in counseling for my emotional trauma related to all this. She frankly doesn’t understand why I stay with my passive husband. The one thing that keeps me stable is my other son who has conquered his heroin addiction and is thriving with his own career and family. And, as a recovering addict, he concurs with my assessment of his older brother. He encourages me to draw healthy boundaries and stick to them. His take on this helps me judge whether my bubble has gotten off center. I have been involved in 12 step programs before but now we have our young granddaughter in the home to raise and my evenings are spent doing mommy things. I started reading the detachment article here and became so discouraged because I have been an enabler to the max in the past and constantly fall back into those behaviors. People don’t like it when their enabler gets healthy and starts setting boundaries. That’s probably why there is so much dissension between me, my husband and son. But my takeaway from all this is to slow down, quit fantasizing about what changes my choices can bring to pass (if anything), and keep doing what i can to read, self help and hang in there. Much like what I’ve been doing for years. Eckert Tole (sp?) believes things happen when the time is ripe. Until then we are to remain pretty detached from the drama our egos create (absolutely paraphrased from my memory of his work). And I see the sense and the peace in that. Some days I’m there and some days not!! Today is a new day. Lets see what it brings. Some small something can change the course of our family’s journey. I will continue to post about this family’s journey to sanity (or not). Thank you for your kind concern and honest posts.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="PattyK, post: 730675, member: 22937"] Copabanana and Recoveringenabler thank you for your posts. My first response is to Copabanana. Your post brought something out that should have been obvious to me but hasn’t until now. And that is my son might get worse not better without our support. That has happened in the past. He states when he is alone and without our support he quits caring about sobriety and thinks what the hell. He feels hopeless and lost. He falls back into heavier than normal drug use and lives under a bush. I know thats his choice. I have lived with the fantasy of him acting like a responsible adult man, but as you say, that might never happen. That makes me so sad. Even though it isn’t ideal according to our traditional American culture I could actually handle him living at home IF he were holding down a job, getting to work on time, doing his job without getting into power struggles with the boss every day and getting fired for various reasons, cleaning up behind himself in the home, pitching in with home chores and just all the stuff that goes with home ownership, etc. everyone knows what I mean. But he doesn’t do any of that. And it is for that black hole of endless needs, selfishly taking, never getting enough from us but always needing yet one more thing from us, having to be asked to clean up behind himself, never trying to be helpful just because its the right thing..... That sort of thing is what I cannot overlook. He has had periods of good and helpful choices, but they are rare and mixed with months of out of control selfish existence. And maybe forcing him to be on his own will just result in a total death spiral for him. I can accept that life is harder for some than for others. What I can’t accept is his utter selfishness. And you are right about rehab. We forced him into rehab when he was younger because it frankly was what he needed. But no one can force that now. And you are right in your assessment of that matter. My husband is not the sharing type. He feels our business is not to be put out there. Because I have always done “life” ( bills, taxes, finances, family business, childcare, etc) none of this stuff impacts him. But of course he contributes to the successful home life in his lifetime of hard work, loving acceptance and deep commitment to our family and faith. But he has been depleted by a physically demanding job in the outdoors, his own addiction issues, chronic backpain and a lifetime of depression. I think frankly he wishes I would accept our son as he is and quit rocking the boat. If I would just quit expecting our son to support himself and occasionally think of others then life would be peaceful. He is full of loving acceptance and does not wish to force any issues with him. Perhaps I’m the problem here.... Recoveringenabler, thank you for the generous list of helpful resources. I have read some of the books you mentioned. And I am in counseling for my emotional trauma related to all this. She frankly doesn’t understand why I stay with my passive husband. The one thing that keeps me stable is my other son who has conquered his heroin addiction and is thriving with his own career and family. And, as a recovering addict, he concurs with my assessment of his older brother. He encourages me to draw healthy boundaries and stick to them. His take on this helps me judge whether my bubble has gotten off center. I have been involved in 12 step programs before but now we have our young granddaughter in the home to raise and my evenings are spent doing mommy things. I started reading the detachment article here and became so discouraged because I have been an enabler to the max in the past and constantly fall back into those behaviors. People don’t like it when their enabler gets healthy and starts setting boundaries. That’s probably why there is so much dissension between me, my husband and son. But my takeaway from all this is to slow down, quit fantasizing about what changes my choices can bring to pass (if anything), and keep doing what i can to read, self help and hang in there. Much like what I’ve been doing for years. Eckert Tole (sp?) believes things happen when the time is ripe. Until then we are to remain pretty detached from the drama our egos create (absolutely paraphrased from my memory of his work). And I see the sense and the peace in that. Some days I’m there and some days not!! Today is a new day. Lets see what it brings. Some small something can change the course of our family’s journey. I will continue to post about this family’s journey to sanity (or not). Thank you for your kind concern and honest posts. [/QUOTE]
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