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First time posting, son 31, heroin addict, living at home, sober and stable for months, then not
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 730680" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Patty, you certainly have a lot on your plate.I am amazed at your resilience.You are very hard on yourself, essentially you are swimming upstream against the current of another sort of “acceptance” in your home. It reminds me of the old story about the Emperor who wore no clothes. The elephant in the room is your son, who is unmovable, and your hubs who would rather just let it be, than try to help him help himself, and help you run an efficient home. It’s a rough place to be, I know, because I was there. The exception being that my hubs had plenty to say about the kids not helping, but didn’t like the alternative. For my two, it is “sink or swim”. They were sinking in my home, they are sinking out there living “under a bush” as you say. I don’t like how they are living, but it is their choice and I won’t be held hostage to their lifestyles in my home. In that way, I suppose I have built a huge wall around my heart.</p><p></p><p>For now, this is a good plan. It is what held me together all those years, but it was also difficult. I hope you are able to get some real</p><p>“you” time. Mine, was getting out of the house and paddling in the ocean. The hard part is that our homes are supposed to be our sanctuaries.</p><p></p><p>This is so true. Please don’t see yourself as they would- selfish. It is not selfish to expect an adult to clean up after themselves, to pitch in.</p><p></p><p> My goodness. You are amazing.</p><p></p><p>You have been through so much in your marriage. Definitely not the Disney story of “happily ever after”. It was much the same for me. Hubs was a workaholic, rough around the edges and not a talker. He was different in that finances were tight and he took charge of that. Opposite of your hubs, very frugal. There were rough spots for sure. As he got more ill, he became more inside of himself. It was a pretty lonely time in our relationship. I don’t know, Patty, I think sometimes that I stayed because I saw through all of the rough stuff and just knew hubs had a genuinely good heart. Maybe it was growing up watching the “Flintstones” or Jackie Gleason in the “Honeymooners”? It is hard for other people to understand. Old fashioned? Or, do we settle after so many years and try our best to live on the memories of good times?</p><p></p><p>I am glad you have your other son to at least give you an assurance of your take on his brother. I found this with my well children.</p><p></p><p>I do not think you are the problem at all. No, no, no.</p><p>What will your son do when you and hubs are gone? That is my take on my two. I am 59. Perhaps I am selfish wanting to have peace and joy for whatever time I have left on this earth. I won’t deny that is a huge part of my not allowing them to live in my home. The other side of that is everything you are dealing with, the selfishness, laziness and entitlement.</p><p>Addiction. Ugh.</p><p>Okay, so I get it that your son has mental challenges, but how clever he is to say that when you make him leave he just figures what the heck and goes back to using. He is holding you hostage to his choice. Much like my two who defiantly told me they “were the way they were <em>because of me</em>”. Huh. I fell victim to that for a while, reeling those tapes and finding times I wished I had done better.</p><p>Addicts are smart, they know just how to keep their loved ones second guessing themselves.</p><p> This is not fair to you. All of it. It was pretty much my lot with hubs. Except the bills part. Oh, and he complained constantly in the early years about my cooking so I said fine then, <em>you cook. </em></p><p>Are you able to talk with him? Hubs was so not communicative. It was hard Patty.</p><p>We went to counseling way back and the counselor said to me “ You are an extrovert, he is an introvert, that will never change.” Boy, was she right. He was a hard working man and that was how he showed his love for his family. Everything else was pretty much on his terms. Passive/aggressive. You describe your hubs as passive, but there is the other side to that and that is an unwillingness to compromise. To see your side and come to an understanding, a plan. Something.</p><p> Passive people are not so passive in their stubbornness. Especially when their mate is suffering.</p><p>In my case, I couldn’t continue as is. It was unbearable. I felt the same as you, that my daughters came home and pretty much ruled the roost with their unacceptable behaviors. It drove me crazy. It just made hubs retreat even more. It was hard to feel alone in taking the reins.</p><p>It just made the triangulation worse.</p><p>Well. So be it. I am the biotch who said no, enough.</p><p>Sorry for my venting and if I am off base, please correct me. I see a lot of similarities in our stories.</p><p>I feel for you girl, you have so much going on. Raising a seven year old in the midst of all of this. Wow.</p><p>We had our three grands for a time or two, or more. They are with their paternal grandparents now. Both mother and father off the rails. It is tough on the kids, but they at least have more stability.</p><p>Bless you for all you are enduring. Please be kind to yourself. You are on a difficult journey. There are no easy answers, but there are ways to take some precious moments to find some peace. It is the small things that helped me, and still do. Prayer, walks, art, writing.</p><p>I hope you are able to find time to focus on you.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 730680, member: 19522"] Hi Patty, you certainly have a lot on your plate.I am amazed at your resilience.You are very hard on yourself, essentially you are swimming upstream against the current of another sort of “acceptance” in your home. It reminds me of the old story about the Emperor who wore no clothes. The elephant in the room is your son, who is unmovable, and your hubs who would rather just let it be, than try to help him help himself, and help you run an efficient home. It’s a rough place to be, I know, because I was there. The exception being that my hubs had plenty to say about the kids not helping, but didn’t like the alternative. For my two, it is “sink or swim”. They were sinking in my home, they are sinking out there living “under a bush” as you say. I don’t like how they are living, but it is their choice and I won’t be held hostage to their lifestyles in my home. In that way, I suppose I have built a huge wall around my heart. For now, this is a good plan. It is what held me together all those years, but it was also difficult. I hope you are able to get some real “you” time. Mine, was getting out of the house and paddling in the ocean. The hard part is that our homes are supposed to be our sanctuaries. This is so true. Please don’t see yourself as they would- selfish. It is not selfish to expect an adult to clean up after themselves, to pitch in. My goodness. You are amazing. You have been through so much in your marriage. Definitely not the Disney story of “happily ever after”. It was much the same for me. Hubs was a workaholic, rough around the edges and not a talker. He was different in that finances were tight and he took charge of that. Opposite of your hubs, very frugal. There were rough spots for sure. As he got more ill, he became more inside of himself. It was a pretty lonely time in our relationship. I don’t know, Patty, I think sometimes that I stayed because I saw through all of the rough stuff and just knew hubs had a genuinely good heart. Maybe it was growing up watching the “Flintstones” or Jackie Gleason in the “Honeymooners”? It is hard for other people to understand. Old fashioned? Or, do we settle after so many years and try our best to live on the memories of good times? I am glad you have your other son to at least give you an assurance of your take on his brother. I found this with my well children. I do not think you are the problem at all. No, no, no. What will your son do when you and hubs are gone? That is my take on my two. I am 59. Perhaps I am selfish wanting to have peace and joy for whatever time I have left on this earth. I won’t deny that is a huge part of my not allowing them to live in my home. The other side of that is everything you are dealing with, the selfishness, laziness and entitlement. Addiction. Ugh. Okay, so I get it that your son has mental challenges, but how clever he is to say that when you make him leave he just figures what the heck and goes back to using. He is holding you hostage to his choice. Much like my two who defiantly told me they “were the way they were [I]because of me[/I]”. Huh. I fell victim to that for a while, reeling those tapes and finding times I wished I had done better. Addicts are smart, they know just how to keep their loved ones second guessing themselves. This is not fair to you. All of it. It was pretty much my lot with hubs. Except the bills part. Oh, and he complained constantly in the early years about my cooking so I said fine then, [I]you cook. [/I] Are you able to talk with him? Hubs was so not communicative. It was hard Patty. We went to counseling way back and the counselor said to me “ You are an extrovert, he is an introvert, that will never change.” Boy, was she right. He was a hard working man and that was how he showed his love for his family. Everything else was pretty much on his terms. Passive/aggressive. You describe your hubs as passive, but there is the other side to that and that is an unwillingness to compromise. To see your side and come to an understanding, a plan. Something. Passive people are not so passive in their stubbornness. Especially when their mate is suffering. In my case, I couldn’t continue as is. It was unbearable. I felt the same as you, that my daughters came home and pretty much ruled the roost with their unacceptable behaviors. It drove me crazy. It just made hubs retreat even more. It was hard to feel alone in taking the reins. It just made the triangulation worse. Well. So be it. I am the biotch who said no, enough. Sorry for my venting and if I am off base, please correct me. I see a lot of similarities in our stories. I feel for you girl, you have so much going on. Raising a seven year old in the midst of all of this. Wow. We had our three grands for a time or two, or more. They are with their paternal grandparents now. Both mother and father off the rails. It is tough on the kids, but they at least have more stability. Bless you for all you are enduring. Please be kind to yourself. You are on a difficult journey. There are no easy answers, but there are ways to take some precious moments to find some peace. It is the small things that helped me, and still do. Prayer, walks, art, writing. I hope you are able to find time to focus on you. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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First time posting, son 31, heroin addict, living at home, sober and stable for months, then not
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