Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
First time posting, son 31, heroin addict, living at home, sober and stable for months, then not
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 730690" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>That is so true. After decades of taking care of others at our expense, the "others' will usually do whatever they can to sabotage our success. Don't give up what you want or what is important to you because others don't agree with you. Trust yourself to know the truth. As I emerged from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) from my own codependency issues, it opened the door for many changes, some of which were challenging because I had to let go of people, thought forms, beliefs, judgements and my own propensity for abandoning myself for what others needed/wanted....change was difficult, but it was necessary. Fear of what I would have to let go of kept me stuck for awhile.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The Tolle quote that I took to heart was this: "Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of these options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences."</p><p></p><p>When I addressed my issues from that point of view, it was easier to see that accepting it was not going to work, I was deeply enmeshed with my daughter's life and it was draining me of my own life force and forcing me to continue to abandon myself for my daughter's welfare. I chose to remove myself from the situation as much as I could by setting strong boundaries and letting go of enabling by changing myself and the way I responded. <em>I committed to change</em>. First I looked within to determine what was inside me that was stopping me from making the changes necessary. What was stopping me was fear. I had to address my fears.</p><p></p><p>I addressed those fears in a therapy run group setting with other parents of troubled adult kids. As I did, I found out how much those fears robbed me of the ability to make healthy choices for myself and had kept me stuck. Feeling stuck felt awful so I was willing to do whatever it took to get unstuck.</p><p></p><p>As I looked deeply into my own fears and expressed them, I came to grips with different options which I could not see before. I developed the strength to make hard choices. The hardest choices were around allowing my daughter to suffer the consequences of her choices and not stepping in to save her. However, in doing that, it liberated me and I believe it liberated her as well. She still struggles in life, but she is doing it on her terms in her way. She is the master of her ship. Not me.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Your son is feeding your fear for him so that you continue caring for him.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No you are not the problem here, you are enmeshed in a dysfunctional, broken family system where the addicts or other enablers are determined to continue status quo and will up the ante if you start to change. You matter. What you want matters. Your truth matters. Your well being matters. <strong><u>YOU</u> matter.</strong> What you desire is healthy. You have every right to the feelings you have. Your feelings matter.</p><p></p><p>Find out what it is you want, what it is you don't want, what it is you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do. And, what you are willing to do without resentment.</p><p></p><p>You deserve the life you want. Take it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 730690, member: 13542"] That is so true. After decades of taking care of others at our expense, the "others' will usually do whatever they can to sabotage our success. Don't give up what you want or what is important to you because others don't agree with you. Trust yourself to know the truth. As I emerged from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) from my own codependency issues, it opened the door for many changes, some of which were challenging because I had to let go of people, thought forms, beliefs, judgements and my own propensity for abandoning myself for what others needed/wanted....change was difficult, but it was necessary. Fear of what I would have to let go of kept me stuck for awhile. The Tolle quote that I took to heart was this: "Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of these options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences." When I addressed my issues from that point of view, it was easier to see that accepting it was not going to work, I was deeply enmeshed with my daughter's life and it was draining me of my own life force and forcing me to continue to abandon myself for my daughter's welfare. I chose to remove myself from the situation as much as I could by setting strong boundaries and letting go of enabling by changing myself and the way I responded. [I]I committed to change[/I]. First I looked within to determine what was inside me that was stopping me from making the changes necessary. What was stopping me was fear. I had to address my fears. I addressed those fears in a therapy run group setting with other parents of troubled adult kids. As I did, I found out how much those fears robbed me of the ability to make healthy choices for myself and had kept me stuck. Feeling stuck felt awful so I was willing to do whatever it took to get unstuck. As I looked deeply into my own fears and expressed them, I came to grips with different options which I could not see before. I developed the strength to make hard choices. The hardest choices were around allowing my daughter to suffer the consequences of her choices and not stepping in to save her. However, in doing that, it liberated me and I believe it liberated her as well. She still struggles in life, but she is doing it on her terms in her way. She is the master of her ship. Not me. Your son is feeding your fear for him so that you continue caring for him. No you are not the problem here, you are enmeshed in a dysfunctional, broken family system where the addicts or other enablers are determined to continue status quo and will up the ante if you start to change. You matter. What you want matters. Your truth matters. Your well being matters. [B][U]YOU[/U] matter.[/B] What you desire is healthy. You have every right to the feelings you have. Your feelings matter. Find out what it is you want, what it is you don't want, what it is you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do. And, what you are willing to do without resentment. You deserve the life you want. Take it. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
First time posting, son 31, heroin addict, living at home, sober and stable for months, then not
Top