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First time posting, son 31, heroin addict, living at home, sober and stable for months, then not
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<blockquote data-quote="PattyK" data-source="post: 730705" data-attributes="member: 22937"><p>Recoveringenabler, Leafy, RNO - I can’t begin to express the feelings I have in reading your words to me. I believe it is absolutely true when I say I have never felt so embraced and (yes loved) and understood in all my life. I am drinking in your words as if they are living water. There is so much I want to say and respond to, so much deep gratitude I feel for you to have taken your time to share your thoughts and stories with me. It is so clear you have all been through such a dark places and have become beautiful because of it. For so many years all I’ve receicved are pat answers from people who have never lived through what I have. Their words were shaming or dismissive or miss the mark altogether. But here I have found other mothers who have grieved like I have over losing a child to insane behaviors that we can’t explain or change though we would give our lives to help (and in fact have). There is no shame here but only empathy and grace and many wise words.</p><p></p><p>RNO I thank God for your son’s transformation and the new hope and joy that is so apparent in your words. Staying the course has brought its rewards!!! Please keep posting about his experiences. When I hear stories like this it gives me hope too.</p><p>I have given my son to God (and taken him back) more times than I can count. But I absolutely know that God created him, knows what he needs and is able to work in him in ways i never can. So my hope is still in Him. I just want to cooperate and not hinder the process.</p><p></p><p>Leafy, it’s like we have existed in a parallel universe. Our stories are so much alike. It is a rare thing for two people to stay married for so long. There are plenty of reasons to part ways over a lifetime. Maybe we just knew that our men were/are truly good inside and thats something worth holding on to. So we looked deeper than just the superficial temporary problems we encountered along the way, including loneliness and a lack of understanding the needs of our female hearts, because there are worse things and God knows he put up with me. My husband has in so many ways abandoned me, but we met when I was 15. We have grown up (or not!) together. We have buried a son. We have found our salvation through deep grief in our common faith. I have endured his addictions and the way he withdraws from the family. He has supported my journey through the arts and given me the kind of personal freedom and respect i doubt any other man would have done. Our lives together have truly been for better or for worse. There have been times, if I had had the ability, I would have run away. But I couldn’t so we fumbled through all the tough times. Though I feel abandoned in this issue with our son, and in many ways I feel very lonely in this time of our journey, he is mine and I am his. Its too late to change course now, nor do I want to. Its hard to explain our commitment to a marriage that was difficult in so many ways. But I think we shared a knowledge that we were blessed in ways we didn’t even understand.</p><p></p><p>My pain with our lack of harmony in this issue comes from my fear that we are doing so much harm to our son because of our inability to take any kind of meaningful action. But in my saner moments I know that life is full of misteps and bad decisions. As it has been pointed out here, that is part of the human condition. My son can survive and thrive in spite of his parent’s dysfunction if he wants to make the right decisions. But I can’t use that knowledge as a cop out for ignoring my own responsibility to act sanely.</p><p></p><p>Recovering, you said so many deeply meaningful things. Wow. Just so much priceless insight. The quote from Tolle is a life changer if it is taken to heart the way you did. I guess even those of us who are sober and making sacrifices for our children find ourselves hitting bottom too, and are forced to rethink the way we choose to function. If we are wise we will examine the things about ourselves that keep us from joy. Seeing it from that perspective we aren’t that different from our troubled children, are we? Its just that our self hurt has a more ellusive root. We have things inside us that compel us to destructively pour ourselves out for our children. Is that less insane than our children? Probably not. Im so proud for you that you had the determination to work through and identify what you wanted, didn’t want, could live with or without. Thank you for encouraging me to do the same. I wish I knew how to use the quote function here because I want to tell you how important so much of what you said was to me. The paragraph about being so enmeshed with your daughter’s life and being drained of your life force and how you worked through that...and when you talked about coming to grips with your fears and how that opened up so many unseen options...and when you addressed my worry that I am the problem, telling me with such a life giving way that my truth matters, that I matter. All of that is so comforting.</p><p></p><p>There was so much said here today-enough that could feed my heart for a lifetime I think. So much was said that sent hope and inspiration and possibility straight into my heart that I haven’t even addressed. Please know, Recovering, Leafy and RNO that your willingness to share these many incredible insights is a wonderful gift. I have so much to think about and process. I feel I've met my best friends. I hope that, in time, I will be able to speak hope and sanity to someone else who is desperate for a place to be understood. So for now- goodnight. Tomorrow i am going to figure out how to use those wonderful text tools so I can respond more directly!! God bless you guys. Hugs and more hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="PattyK, post: 730705, member: 22937"] Recoveringenabler, Leafy, RNO - I can’t begin to express the feelings I have in reading your words to me. I believe it is absolutely true when I say I have never felt so embraced and (yes loved) and understood in all my life. I am drinking in your words as if they are living water. There is so much I want to say and respond to, so much deep gratitude I feel for you to have taken your time to share your thoughts and stories with me. It is so clear you have all been through such a dark places and have become beautiful because of it. For so many years all I’ve receicved are pat answers from people who have never lived through what I have. Their words were shaming or dismissive or miss the mark altogether. But here I have found other mothers who have grieved like I have over losing a child to insane behaviors that we can’t explain or change though we would give our lives to help (and in fact have). There is no shame here but only empathy and grace and many wise words. RNO I thank God for your son’s transformation and the new hope and joy that is so apparent in your words. Staying the course has brought its rewards!!! Please keep posting about his experiences. When I hear stories like this it gives me hope too. I have given my son to God (and taken him back) more times than I can count. But I absolutely know that God created him, knows what he needs and is able to work in him in ways i never can. So my hope is still in Him. I just want to cooperate and not hinder the process. Leafy, it’s like we have existed in a parallel universe. Our stories are so much alike. It is a rare thing for two people to stay married for so long. There are plenty of reasons to part ways over a lifetime. Maybe we just knew that our men were/are truly good inside and thats something worth holding on to. So we looked deeper than just the superficial temporary problems we encountered along the way, including loneliness and a lack of understanding the needs of our female hearts, because there are worse things and God knows he put up with me. My husband has in so many ways abandoned me, but we met when I was 15. We have grown up (or not!) together. We have buried a son. We have found our salvation through deep grief in our common faith. I have endured his addictions and the way he withdraws from the family. He has supported my journey through the arts and given me the kind of personal freedom and respect i doubt any other man would have done. Our lives together have truly been for better or for worse. There have been times, if I had had the ability, I would have run away. But I couldn’t so we fumbled through all the tough times. Though I feel abandoned in this issue with our son, and in many ways I feel very lonely in this time of our journey, he is mine and I am his. Its too late to change course now, nor do I want to. Its hard to explain our commitment to a marriage that was difficult in so many ways. But I think we shared a knowledge that we were blessed in ways we didn’t even understand. My pain with our lack of harmony in this issue comes from my fear that we are doing so much harm to our son because of our inability to take any kind of meaningful action. But in my saner moments I know that life is full of misteps and bad decisions. As it has been pointed out here, that is part of the human condition. My son can survive and thrive in spite of his parent’s dysfunction if he wants to make the right decisions. But I can’t use that knowledge as a cop out for ignoring my own responsibility to act sanely. Recovering, you said so many deeply meaningful things. Wow. Just so much priceless insight. The quote from Tolle is a life changer if it is taken to heart the way you did. I guess even those of us who are sober and making sacrifices for our children find ourselves hitting bottom too, and are forced to rethink the way we choose to function. If we are wise we will examine the things about ourselves that keep us from joy. Seeing it from that perspective we aren’t that different from our troubled children, are we? Its just that our self hurt has a more ellusive root. We have things inside us that compel us to destructively pour ourselves out for our children. Is that less insane than our children? Probably not. Im so proud for you that you had the determination to work through and identify what you wanted, didn’t want, could live with or without. Thank you for encouraging me to do the same. I wish I knew how to use the quote function here because I want to tell you how important so much of what you said was to me. The paragraph about being so enmeshed with your daughter’s life and being drained of your life force and how you worked through that...and when you talked about coming to grips with your fears and how that opened up so many unseen options...and when you addressed my worry that I am the problem, telling me with such a life giving way that my truth matters, that I matter. All of that is so comforting. There was so much said here today-enough that could feed my heart for a lifetime I think. So much was said that sent hope and inspiration and possibility straight into my heart that I haven’t even addressed. Please know, Recovering, Leafy and RNO that your willingness to share these many incredible insights is a wonderful gift. I have so much to think about and process. I feel I've met my best friends. I hope that, in time, I will be able to speak hope and sanity to someone else who is desperate for a place to be understood. So for now- goodnight. Tomorrow i am going to figure out how to use those wonderful text tools so I can respond more directly!! God bless you guys. Hugs and more hugs [/QUOTE]
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