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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 450832" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Don't tell Jane. This came out in counselling and is therefore confidential. Instead, work with the counsellor to equip your son with the skills he needs, to know how to cope with Jack.</p><p></p><p>A few points for difficult child - </p><p></p><p>1) Any 'friend' who uses that friendship as a weapon, is not a friend no matter how much he says he is. He is not being a friend, he is being a blackmailer. he possibly does not know how to be a friend, but that does not mean you have to let him hurt you emotionally or physically.</p><p></p><p>2) Friendship is unconditional. It is also two-way.</p><p></p><p>3) Do not allow yourself to feel obligated to someone who will then try to get you to do something you do not feel right about doing.</p><p></p><p>4) You always have the right to say no and to walk away. Learn to recognise threats and to not let them force you to do something that feels wrong.</p><p></p><p>5) Integrity - being a basically good person - is a priceless treasure. Value your own, guard it well. it will keep you safe through life.</p><p></p><p></p><p>If Jack is confused about his sexuality, or even if he is already certain he is gay, it does not give him the right to force anyone to have sex with him. Coercion is not consent. And sex without consent, including "gay sex", is still rape. And rape of males is just as damaging as rape of females. Sex while under-age - too young to legally give consent, it is rape. There are reasons for this and those reasons should be respected.</p><p></p><p>If Jack will not respect difficult child saying, "No, I will not do this," then Jack is not respecting difficult child. He therefore is not respecting the friendship, therefore any threats from Jack to end the friendship are just that - threats. Empty, meaningless ones. It is better to have no friend, than a friend who is an abuser. Because a friend who is an abuser is actually adding to your troubles. Being alone - at least the abuser is not there.</p><p></p><p>And when the abuser says, "I won't be your friend any more," and goes away, then perhaps others who had warily kept their distance, may be more willing to become true friends.</p><p></p><p>But don't tell Jack's mother, unless she asks specific questions, "I am concerned about my son. Has difficult child said anything to you about sexual acting out?"</p><p></p><p>If you think telling her will end your friendship with her, think about why you believe this. If you feel her denial in this will be a problem, then telling her will achieve absolutely nothing, she will block it out so completely that she won't even be forewarned. Denial is very powerful.</p><p></p><p>This brings us back to what friendship is. Think about this in connection with your relationship with Jack's mother.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime - maybe try to expand difficult child's social horizons to areas which do not involve Jack. Enrol him in a music class, or martial arts, or sports program. Find something that difficult child can own and enjoy, where he can also meet others who don't know Jack.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 450832, member: 1991"] Don't tell Jane. This came out in counselling and is therefore confidential. Instead, work with the counsellor to equip your son with the skills he needs, to know how to cope with Jack. A few points for difficult child - 1) Any 'friend' who uses that friendship as a weapon, is not a friend no matter how much he says he is. He is not being a friend, he is being a blackmailer. he possibly does not know how to be a friend, but that does not mean you have to let him hurt you emotionally or physically. 2) Friendship is unconditional. It is also two-way. 3) Do not allow yourself to feel obligated to someone who will then try to get you to do something you do not feel right about doing. 4) You always have the right to say no and to walk away. Learn to recognise threats and to not let them force you to do something that feels wrong. 5) Integrity - being a basically good person - is a priceless treasure. Value your own, guard it well. it will keep you safe through life. If Jack is confused about his sexuality, or even if he is already certain he is gay, it does not give him the right to force anyone to have sex with him. Coercion is not consent. And sex without consent, including "gay sex", is still rape. And rape of males is just as damaging as rape of females. Sex while under-age - too young to legally give consent, it is rape. There are reasons for this and those reasons should be respected. If Jack will not respect difficult child saying, "No, I will not do this," then Jack is not respecting difficult child. He therefore is not respecting the friendship, therefore any threats from Jack to end the friendship are just that - threats. Empty, meaningless ones. It is better to have no friend, than a friend who is an abuser. Because a friend who is an abuser is actually adding to your troubles. Being alone - at least the abuser is not there. And when the abuser says, "I won't be your friend any more," and goes away, then perhaps others who had warily kept their distance, may be more willing to become true friends. But don't tell Jack's mother, unless she asks specific questions, "I am concerned about my son. Has difficult child said anything to you about sexual acting out?" If you think telling her will end your friendship with her, think about why you believe this. If you feel her denial in this will be a problem, then telling her will achieve absolutely nothing, she will block it out so completely that she won't even be forewarned. Denial is very powerful. This brings us back to what friendship is. Think about this in connection with your relationship with Jack's mother. In the meantime - maybe try to expand difficult child's social horizons to areas which do not involve Jack. Enrol him in a music class, or martial arts, or sports program. Find something that difficult child can own and enjoy, where he can also meet others who don't know Jack. Marg [/QUOTE]
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