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Broken, you will get through this but it won't be easy and there will be 2 steps forward and 1 step back at times.  It's ok.  Just keep trying to do what you know is right.  I remember when I was in therapy and I told her that I felt "guilty" going to buy myself fresh vegetables at the market.  She was like "WHY?!"  I said it's because they're sitting in their cars with hardly any food (I paid for food, gas, their used cars, cigarettes..you name it).  I constantly felt like I should punish myself from any kind of joy (even buying fresh vegies) and should always remain in a state of mourning over their situations.  I felt like I should not be happy if they weren't.  She said, feeling guilty means you've done something wrong and she told me I most certainly hadn't.


Don't get me wrong, I still hurt when they hurt (as most of us parents do) but I have learned I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness.  My sons are not responsible for mine either but by keeping myself in a state of mourning on their dire situation, I felt like it gave me some control or something...which is certainly didn't.


Getting through this is a full time job and requires a good support system.  But it's all possible because when you realize it's YOU that needs to change, well that's something attainable.


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