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foster mom needs strategies - UPDATE!
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 93858" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>My advice won't help you, but it's from the heart.</p><p>I don't advise taking in children who are older than your youngest. We adopted an eleven year old when we still had two younger adopted kids--three and seven. Although the child acted like an angel, he sexually abused my two younger ones and terrified them so much that we didn't even know he was doing it because he told them he'd kill all of us and himself if they told. I found out over a year later--it was going on all that time. He also ended up killing our dogs, neighborhood pets, etc. We were told he was a "nice kid with some cognitive delays." I don't think he had any cognitive delays. I think he was very bright. He is gone now, but the damage was done.</p><p>Over 90% of the foster kids have been sexually abused. With boys that often means they act out. With girls, they tend to falsely accuse the father or brothers of sexual abuse. Does this always happen? No, but I know enough people that both scenarios happen to, and I want to warn you about this. Do you have videocams in the rooms of the foster kids so you can see what they do at night? We were told we should have done that AFTER the damage was done.</p><p>Like you, we felt we could make a difference in the life of the most needy children. We found that you can't save them all. If I were you, I would tell your caseworker that these boys are not a good fit in your house and you are concerned about the affect on your younger children. I would take no child who is over two years old and certainly not siblings since you have your own children to consider. The defiance is probably due to just the horrible life and lack of attachments that this child has had and, in my opinion, should be in a foster home with older kids or in the home of a childless couple who have already raised their kids. No, social workers don't tell you that there are big risks to your other kids. They are overworked and desperate to place the children. We were offered and accepted many kids. I just wanted to pass along that the goodness in your heart could betray you in the end. These kids sound like too much for anyone raising young children of their own--and God knows what they could do to your precious children. We had "the talk" about bad touching with our kids and promised them we'd always believe them if they told us that an adult or other child touched them the wrong way, but they were so scared of Eleven Year Old, they didn't tell us. When he left, they finally bubbled over with stories that broke my heart. As a small aside, my best friend was raised with foster kids and a few of the boys came into her room and tried to molest her, but she was older and pretty much told them where to go. She never did tell her parents though and they kept bringing in foster kids. Since she herself was adopted she said, "I felt like I was another foster kid who just lasted longer." </p><p>Consider fostering drug affected babies for now. Just my opinion and suggestion. Naturally you don't have to listen, but I wanted this thrown out there since these issues rarely come up when the social workers talk to you. (((Hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 93858, member: 1550"] My advice won't help you, but it's from the heart. I don't advise taking in children who are older than your youngest. We adopted an eleven year old when we still had two younger adopted kids--three and seven. Although the child acted like an angel, he sexually abused my two younger ones and terrified them so much that we didn't even know he was doing it because he told them he'd kill all of us and himself if they told. I found out over a year later--it was going on all that time. He also ended up killing our dogs, neighborhood pets, etc. We were told he was a "nice kid with some cognitive delays." I don't think he had any cognitive delays. I think he was very bright. He is gone now, but the damage was done. Over 90% of the foster kids have been sexually abused. With boys that often means they act out. With girls, they tend to falsely accuse the father or brothers of sexual abuse. Does this always happen? No, but I know enough people that both scenarios happen to, and I want to warn you about this. Do you have videocams in the rooms of the foster kids so you can see what they do at night? We were told we should have done that AFTER the damage was done. Like you, we felt we could make a difference in the life of the most needy children. We found that you can't save them all. If I were you, I would tell your caseworker that these boys are not a good fit in your house and you are concerned about the affect on your younger children. I would take no child who is over two years old and certainly not siblings since you have your own children to consider. The defiance is probably due to just the horrible life and lack of attachments that this child has had and, in my opinion, should be in a foster home with older kids or in the home of a childless couple who have already raised their kids. No, social workers don't tell you that there are big risks to your other kids. They are overworked and desperate to place the children. We were offered and accepted many kids. I just wanted to pass along that the goodness in your heart could betray you in the end. These kids sound like too much for anyone raising young children of their own--and God knows what they could do to your precious children. We had "the talk" about bad touching with our kids and promised them we'd always believe them if they told us that an adult or other child touched them the wrong way, but they were so scared of Eleven Year Old, they didn't tell us. When he left, they finally bubbled over with stories that broke my heart. As a small aside, my best friend was raised with foster kids and a few of the boys came into her room and tried to molest her, but she was older and pretty much told them where to go. She never did tell her parents though and they kept bringing in foster kids. Since she herself was adopted she said, "I felt like I was another foster kid who just lasted longer." Consider fostering drug affected babies for now. Just my opinion and suggestion. Naturally you don't have to listen, but I wanted this thrown out there since these issues rarely come up when the social workers talk to you. (((Hugs))) [/QUOTE]
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