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<blockquote data-quote="DammitJanet" data-source="post: 122753" data-attributes="member: 1514"><p>Dear Pico,</p><p>From what you say at the beginning of this thread, it appears that you hoped it would be archived. But I checked the archives, and it isn't there. So I am posting the whole thread, for the benefit of all. I also shared this thread with some of my friends at my local Tough Love group, and they found it helpful. Thankyou.</p><p>Author Topic: On homecomings</p><p></p><p>Pico,</p><p>Several of you have kids coming home from various alternative situations. Many of you have asked for advice. I decided to write one piece, in the hope that this may become an archival thread from the been there done that department.</p><p></p><p>My most significant thought and advice for parents of a child who is coming home is simple: make it as seamless as possible.</p><p></p><p>The child has most likely earned the homecoming, by learning how to behave differently, and by living within a very structured environment. Many of these children have significant difficulties with transitions. Change is verry unsettling for these kids. And any major changes are an open invitation to meltdowns and relapses.</p><p></p><p>If the child has done well in a very structured environment, please seek as much information as possible from that facility, so that you can do as much as possible to continue that structure. If bedtime is always at 9:00, keep bedtime at 9:00. If meals are served on a particular schedule, do it. If each person has specific kinds of after dinner chores, do it. If the kid has been required to do his own laundry, keep it up. If the kid has been required to do specific kinds of household chores, incorporate that into your routine.</p><p></p><p>The more closely you can replicate the routine of the environment where your child has learned how to thrive, the more likely you are to be able to bridge for the child that distance between Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and real world.</p><p></p><p>It will be inconvenient. But not nearly as inconvenient as visiting him in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), dealing with courtrooms, waiting up all night wondering if the kid is coming home or not.</p><p></p><p>And for all the families coming back together, I do hope you all find success and a new definition of family. Hang in there. oOOo</p><p></p><p>grotius, posted 07 August 2000 06:51 PM</p><p>This is such good advice! The transition from a structured environment to one less structured may be difficult. Sometimes the abrupt changes derails the progress.</p><p></p><p>Marla S, posted 07 August 2000 10:53 PM</p><p>Pico that's wonderful advice!!!! May I add a few more things as one who has had a homecoming?? (if not just tell me and I will delete).</p><p></p><p>Keep consequences the same. If the facility had a specific consequence for an action (i.e. not doing something as told the first time), and its feasible to do, do it at home.</p><p></p><p>Don't threaten to send them back to the facility or somewhere worse unless its actually an option. They may just test you on that.</p><p></p><p>Two things from personal experience:</p><p>When I came home, I was scared that if I slipped up even the tiniest amount, that I would be on the next plane back to my facility. Reassure your kids (if that's not going to happen), that it's OK to slip up on something small (i.e.: swearing, if that's a no-no), as long as they recognize what they did, and they won't be on the first plane back.</p><p></p><p>I did turn 18 just 2 months after I came home, and I did really rebel. But since I was never into the drinking, drugs, party scene before, my parents just let me do my thing. I think they also contributed it to be turning 18. And they were there for me when I straightened out. Then again, I was never involved with the police.</p><p>Those are just my suggestions. I hope they can help someone.</p><p>~~Marla</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DammitJanet, post: 122753, member: 1514"] Dear Pico, From what you say at the beginning of this thread, it appears that you hoped it would be archived. But I checked the archives, and it isn't there. So I am posting the whole thread, for the benefit of all. I also shared this thread with some of my friends at my local Tough Love group, and they found it helpful. Thankyou. Author Topic: On homecomings Pico, Several of you have kids coming home from various alternative situations. Many of you have asked for advice. I decided to write one piece, in the hope that this may become an archival thread from the been there done that department. My most significant thought and advice for parents of a child who is coming home is simple: make it as seamless as possible. The child has most likely earned the homecoming, by learning how to behave differently, and by living within a very structured environment. Many of these children have significant difficulties with transitions. Change is verry unsettling for these kids. And any major changes are an open invitation to meltdowns and relapses. If the child has done well in a very structured environment, please seek as much information as possible from that facility, so that you can do as much as possible to continue that structure. If bedtime is always at 9:00, keep bedtime at 9:00. If meals are served on a particular schedule, do it. If each person has specific kinds of after dinner chores, do it. If the kid has been required to do his own laundry, keep it up. If the kid has been required to do specific kinds of household chores, incorporate that into your routine. The more closely you can replicate the routine of the environment where your child has learned how to thrive, the more likely you are to be able to bridge for the child that distance between Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and real world. It will be inconvenient. But not nearly as inconvenient as visiting him in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), dealing with courtrooms, waiting up all night wondering if the kid is coming home or not. And for all the families coming back together, I do hope you all find success and a new definition of family. Hang in there. oOOo grotius, posted 07 August 2000 06:51 PM This is such good advice! The transition from a structured environment to one less structured may be difficult. Sometimes the abrupt changes derails the progress. Marla S, posted 07 August 2000 10:53 PM Pico that's wonderful advice!!!! May I add a few more things as one who has had a homecoming?? (if not just tell me and I will delete). Keep consequences the same. If the facility had a specific consequence for an action (i.e. not doing something as told the first time), and its feasible to do, do it at home. Don't threaten to send them back to the facility or somewhere worse unless its actually an option. They may just test you on that. Two things from personal experience: When I came home, I was scared that if I slipped up even the tiniest amount, that I would be on the next plane back to my facility. Reassure your kids (if that's not going to happen), that it's OK to slip up on something small (i.e.: swearing, if that's a no-no), as long as they recognize what they did, and they won't be on the first plane back. I did turn 18 just 2 months after I came home, and I did really rebel. But since I was never into the drinking, drugs, party scene before, my parents just let me do my thing. I think they also contributed it to be turning 18. And they were there for me when I straightened out. Then again, I was never involved with the police. Those are just my suggestions. I hope they can help someone. ~~Marla [/QUOTE]
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