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<blockquote data-quote="DammitJanet" data-source="post: 122758" data-attributes="member: 1514"><p>Here is a discussion of tantrums, and dealing with them. I love her label of it, "King Baby Syndrome!"</p><p></p><p>About the middle of 1991, Fuzz turned three, and the terrible twos hit their second full year. He'd started the so-called "terrible twos" at about 18 months.</p><p></p><p>And, yes, sometimes his mad was just because he wanted to be mad. At that age, kids are not verbal enough to be able to say everything they're feeling. And they are not developed enough mentally, to understand a lot of what they feel.</p><p></p><p>But they have mastered "King Baby Syndrome" to a fine fair thee well! And, guess what?!?! It WORKS!</p><p></p><p>Things I would have done if I'd known then what I know now:</p><p></p><p>1. Tantrums must be met with absolutely no emotional engagement.</p><p></p><p>Imagine that his mood is a flame. And you are the fireman. You are not going to put out a bic lighter with a butane torch, right? No, you're going to cut off the fuel to the lighter. Or you're going to cool it off with a cool, wet washrag. So, if he goes "red", as far as his mood -- if he is raging; you go blue. Cool, calm, even cold. You interact with him only as much as is absolutely necessary.</p><p></p><p>If possible. put him in a room alone. Leave the door open a crack if he needs to know you are still there, but if he throws things through the crack, close the door.</p><p></p><p>2. Continue using 123 magic. Time outs may have to be modified though if he dismantles his room, particularly if he shares it with another child.</p><p></p><p>In our case, Fuzz got to take his time outs in a really boring corner of the living room. And it didn't take me long to utilize natural consequences there, either. You see, I have a house that is 70 years old. While it is not a Victorian wonder, it does have nice woodwork, and I'd like to keep it that way. Well, Mr. King Baby was into kicking my woodwork when he got mad, and got his little attitude sent to the corner. So I took off his shoes. He only kicked the wall once after that. And his toes taught him what all the sermons in the world had not!</p><p></p><p>3. Time out of five minutes is not too much for a three year old. Set the timer, (you can get one at any discount or hardware store just for the time-out kid!) and that is that. You do not argue with him about when or whether he can come out of the corner. The timer starts when he has settled down and is quiet.</p><p></p><p>4. Be prepared for him to try to wear you down. The only way to beat that game is to pretend that his efforts are not even happening. Learn to actively dis-engage from him. I'll explain how. I call it the Restaurant Theory.</p><p></p><p>If you are in a basic family restaurant, you know the kind, chain with Formica tables and vinyl booths; and at a table near you, there is a family with a little darling who is having an absolute field day making everyone else miserable -- running around, jumping on the seat, smearing maple syrup everywhere, whining, yelling, tantruming -- what do you do?</p><p></p><p>Since this precious little specimen is not your child, you have to ignore it, unless it actually manages to make physical contact with you, and get maple syrup on your "Dry Clean Only" jacket! In which case, you may speak to an adult at the table, but you are still not likely to address the child directly, despite your natural inclination to choke the little darling till it looks like a Smurf on a bad day!</p><p></p><p>Because it is not your child, you ignore it.</p><p></p><p>OK. To dis-engage from your child, is to do exactly the same thing. Other than making sure there is no real and permanent damage happening to the real estate, or the other inhabitants, you do not interact with King Baby when he has decided to have one of his pointless tantrums. You say as little as possible.</p><p></p><p>Example:</p><p>Dear, it is time for bed now.</p><p></p><p>I HATE YOU MOMMY! YOU MEAN OLD BOOGER HEAD!</p><p></p><p>Good night. (as you are closing the bedroom door)</p><p></p><p>BLAM! Matchbox car has just hit the door.</p><p></p><p>(Open the door. Pick up the car. Walk back out with it and close the door. If this becomes a big enough problem, no toys that are hard will be left in the bedroom.)</p><p></p><p>If need be, turn the room into a soft stuff only zone. No one deserves to be hit in the face by a flung metal car. Ever.</p><p></p><p>Keep your calm, and keep reviewing the basic principles of 123 magic. And read Riley and Greene, because since he's likely to live through this stage, you're going to need them, and you might as well get ready now!!!</p><p>Meanwhile, hang in there! You're not alone!</p><p>===oOOo===oOOo====</p><p>pico,</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DammitJanet, post: 122758, member: 1514"] Here is a discussion of tantrums, and dealing with them. I love her label of it, "King Baby Syndrome!" About the middle of 1991, Fuzz turned three, and the terrible twos hit their second full year. He'd started the so-called "terrible twos" at about 18 months. And, yes, sometimes his mad was just because he wanted to be mad. At that age, kids are not verbal enough to be able to say everything they're feeling. And they are not developed enough mentally, to understand a lot of what they feel. But they have mastered "King Baby Syndrome" to a fine fair thee well! And, guess what?!?! It WORKS! Things I would have done if I'd known then what I know now: 1. Tantrums must be met with absolutely no emotional engagement. Imagine that his mood is a flame. And you are the fireman. You are not going to put out a bic lighter with a butane torch, right? No, you're going to cut off the fuel to the lighter. Or you're going to cool it off with a cool, wet washrag. So, if he goes "red", as far as his mood -- if he is raging; you go blue. Cool, calm, even cold. You interact with him only as much as is absolutely necessary. If possible. put him in a room alone. Leave the door open a crack if he needs to know you are still there, but if he throws things through the crack, close the door. 2. Continue using 123 magic. Time outs may have to be modified though if he dismantles his room, particularly if he shares it with another child. In our case, Fuzz got to take his time outs in a really boring corner of the living room. And it didn't take me long to utilize natural consequences there, either. You see, I have a house that is 70 years old. While it is not a Victorian wonder, it does have nice woodwork, and I'd like to keep it that way. Well, Mr. King Baby was into kicking my woodwork when he got mad, and got his little attitude sent to the corner. So I took off his shoes. He only kicked the wall once after that. And his toes taught him what all the sermons in the world had not! 3. Time out of five minutes is not too much for a three year old. Set the timer, (you can get one at any discount or hardware store just for the time-out kid!) and that is that. You do not argue with him about when or whether he can come out of the corner. The timer starts when he has settled down and is quiet. 4. Be prepared for him to try to wear you down. The only way to beat that game is to pretend that his efforts are not even happening. Learn to actively dis-engage from him. I'll explain how. I call it the Restaurant Theory. If you are in a basic family restaurant, you know the kind, chain with Formica tables and vinyl booths; and at a table near you, there is a family with a little darling who is having an absolute field day making everyone else miserable -- running around, jumping on the seat, smearing maple syrup everywhere, whining, yelling, tantruming -- what do you do? Since this precious little specimen is not your child, you have to ignore it, unless it actually manages to make physical contact with you, and get maple syrup on your "Dry Clean Only" jacket! In which case, you may speak to an adult at the table, but you are still not likely to address the child directly, despite your natural inclination to choke the little darling till it looks like a Smurf on a bad day! Because it is not your child, you ignore it. OK. To dis-engage from your child, is to do exactly the same thing. Other than making sure there is no real and permanent damage happening to the real estate, or the other inhabitants, you do not interact with King Baby when he has decided to have one of his pointless tantrums. You say as little as possible. Example: Dear, it is time for bed now. I HATE YOU MOMMY! YOU MEAN OLD BOOGER HEAD! Good night. (as you are closing the bedroom door) BLAM! Matchbox car has just hit the door. (Open the door. Pick up the car. Walk back out with it and close the door. If this becomes a big enough problem, no toys that are hard will be left in the bedroom.) If need be, turn the room into a soft stuff only zone. No one deserves to be hit in the face by a flung metal car. Ever. Keep your calm, and keep reviewing the basic principles of 123 magic. And read Riley and Greene, because since he's likely to live through this stage, you're going to need them, and you might as well get ready now!!! Meanwhile, hang in there! You're not alone! ===oOOo===oOOo==== pico, [/QUOTE]
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