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General Parenting
Friend's son is autistic. Came after her last night. How can I help her/she get help?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 704508" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>This is the autism communities dirty secret. I stopped going to an asperger's support group when I brought up the violence after seeing bruises on several other family members and was told that we were not allowed to discuss that because it was not part of autism, because all autistic people are happy. There is no way. It simply isn't possible. That is like saying all nannies are Mary Poppins. It is a lie. Anger is part of it. My son knew he was different and he didn't want to be. He wanted a T Rex instead of a sister and he blamed it on her, it was J's fault in his 3 yo mind. That stuck, and all bad things became her fault, even though he loved her. It just was a loop that got stuck. He tried not to be stuck, but that didn't work. </p><p></p><p>I would urge your friend to go to the local domestic violence center. My son was VERY violent with my daughter and I. I had to get help. My daughter had a therapist, but we couldn't afford to pay for me to also see one. I went to the DV center for help and it was great. They had not ever had a parent who was assaulted by a child before. But they welcomed me, and figured out how to tailor their programs to help me, to fit my situation. By this time I had insisted my son not live with us. I knew that my son was just too violent to live safely in the same house with my daughter, so he went to live with my parents. For some reason he NEVER acted out violently with them. He came close once, but realized who he would be hitting. For some reason, hitting my mother was out of bounds. It was the only time she ever saw what we saw regularly from him. </p><p></p><p>The DV center will not tell her husband or anyone else that she is asking for help. THey will give her therapy, resources when she is ready, and they will help her see that she is worth more tahn this. I don't know why her husband doesn't step in. I know if my husband saw my son punch me, he would restrain my son. I know my husband stayed out of most of the discipline with our son, but it was mostly because he was afraid. My husband is afraid of his own temper, afraid he will lose his temper and hurt someone. He was especially afraid when our son was acting out violently that he would react and hurt our son in retaliation for hurting me or our daughter. My husband has had problems with this all of his life, so this is something we have dealt with for years. But he would not let me get punched and not do something, anything. Mostly because it would ignite that temper that he is so afraid of. I wonder if your friend's husband is as terrified of the son as your friend is? EIther way, she must get help and a domestic violence center is the place to learn to do this in a healthy way. If they don't have other parents who are abused by their kids, they can still help her.</p><p></p><p>Bear in mind that my son is now 25 and I went for help over 10 years ago. Now our DV center in my small county has a program in place and has about 20 parents a year who they help who are in situations similar to mine, with abusive children (either minor or adult children). If our county has this, other areas of the country and other countries certainly can help parents with children who are hurting them. </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry for your friend. If she wants email with a parent who has been there, send me a private message.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 704508, member: 1233"] This is the autism communities dirty secret. I stopped going to an asperger's support group when I brought up the violence after seeing bruises on several other family members and was told that we were not allowed to discuss that because it was not part of autism, because all autistic people are happy. There is no way. It simply isn't possible. That is like saying all nannies are Mary Poppins. It is a lie. Anger is part of it. My son knew he was different and he didn't want to be. He wanted a T Rex instead of a sister and he blamed it on her, it was J's fault in his 3 yo mind. That stuck, and all bad things became her fault, even though he loved her. It just was a loop that got stuck. He tried not to be stuck, but that didn't work. I would urge your friend to go to the local domestic violence center. My son was VERY violent with my daughter and I. I had to get help. My daughter had a therapist, but we couldn't afford to pay for me to also see one. I went to the DV center for help and it was great. They had not ever had a parent who was assaulted by a child before. But they welcomed me, and figured out how to tailor their programs to help me, to fit my situation. By this time I had insisted my son not live with us. I knew that my son was just too violent to live safely in the same house with my daughter, so he went to live with my parents. For some reason he NEVER acted out violently with them. He came close once, but realized who he would be hitting. For some reason, hitting my mother was out of bounds. It was the only time she ever saw what we saw regularly from him. The DV center will not tell her husband or anyone else that she is asking for help. THey will give her therapy, resources when she is ready, and they will help her see that she is worth more tahn this. I don't know why her husband doesn't step in. I know if my husband saw my son punch me, he would restrain my son. I know my husband stayed out of most of the discipline with our son, but it was mostly because he was afraid. My husband is afraid of his own temper, afraid he will lose his temper and hurt someone. He was especially afraid when our son was acting out violently that he would react and hurt our son in retaliation for hurting me or our daughter. My husband has had problems with this all of his life, so this is something we have dealt with for years. But he would not let me get punched and not do something, anything. Mostly because it would ignite that temper that he is so afraid of. I wonder if your friend's husband is as terrified of the son as your friend is? EIther way, she must get help and a domestic violence center is the place to learn to do this in a healthy way. If they don't have other parents who are abused by their kids, they can still help her. Bear in mind that my son is now 25 and I went for help over 10 years ago. Now our DV center in my small county has a program in place and has about 20 parents a year who they help who are in situations similar to mine, with abusive children (either minor or adult children). If our county has this, other areas of the country and other countries certainly can help parents with children who are hurting them. I am so sorry for your friend. If she wants email with a parent who has been there, send me a private message. [/QUOTE]
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Friend's son is autistic. Came after her last night. How can I help her/she get help?
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