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Frustrated...caution whine ahead
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<blockquote data-quote="dreamer" data-source="post: 171613" data-attributes="member: 1697"><p>Last nite we (me and my kids) were at our fireworks display. I was talking with my kids about some people they know, some have serious mental illnesses in their parents and in the kids, some have substance abuse problems, and many of my kids friends parents have passed away. Becuz my easy child is so ill right now, and my difficult child still is so agaoraphobic, does not leave house without me, does not yet drive etc....me and my kids talk a LOT. SO we were discussing some of their friends and their friends familys lives. </p><p>I was trying to help my difficult child and her discussion of her current "boyfriend" He does not drive, does not work at a job.....and I was talking to her saying that it is a good thing when you are pairing off to try to find someone who can complement you. She has many friends who do not drive, and one is very pregnant...far too young, and her mother is homeless. Sadly she is pregnant by someone who also does not drive, who also does not work, and whose parents are also homeless. </p><p>Each person has different gifts, different talents, different things they bring to their partner, and to life. They also each have different priorities. </p><p>While my husband has been far too ill to be any help to me with anything to do with our chores or errands etc at all for a very very long time- he does still remain my absolute very best friend. Truth is if he had been this ill when we met, I doubt I would have married him, but, he was not sick when we met. Or when we married. But he is still my best friend, and that is still very important for me. On his better days, he supports me mentally, even if he can do little else, and he thinks exactly like me 99% of the time, LOL, even when I am thinking in a non conformist way, LOL. He was a generous man, and I found that very attractive. BUT he really is useless to be any help. Not anymore. </p><p>His gift to our family life is simply that he is just here. Thats all there is left of him now. SO when I became ill, it was a problem becuz he could not pick up what I could no longer do. </p><p>Becuz difficult child has the types of issues she has, she did not step in very well to fill any part of my shoes. But she was a little younger than kt is now. My difficult child is very lazy. But over the years of my illness, she grew. She still is not very helpful, and she has so many fears and anxieties etc, but my difficult children gift to life is that she is very sympathetic, and empathetic and gentle. Out in the Big World this crushes her, andit drives her right back home. But at home it is those same qualities that make her the one who will brush my hair, help me dress, and simply sit with me if my pain flares bad. She gets so anxious she has difficulty cooking, and her sleep needs are very high, but it is still a gift to have her here, adding in her gifts to our family. Since my own illness and how it affected my body, it has helped me see her and how her sickness affects her brain. My illness robbed me of my ability to walk, use my hands feet arms and legs, hers robbed her of her ability to go out into the world and function very independantly. </p><p>easy child brought her gifts when she was born. She is usually quite independant. She is The One who is gonna go far in her own life. My son is still a little young for me to be very sure, but, he seems to be the most practical, most assertive, man of few words but full of action. </p><p></p><p>I used to be an extreme perfectionist. My home was immaculate to the Nth degree and I got teased about it always and sometimes ridiculed for it. But now that I cannot do everything I once did, now that I had such a long time where I had to depend on others, I had to learn that if I have to have someone else do things, it would be done according to their ways. Just like my difficult child had to learn that I would not always do things HER way if she herself could not do them, I also had to learn and accept the same. MY life was creating a perfect home for my kids, but, my kids have different ideas on what is perfect and what is important. They used their energies and efforts for THEIR personal goals, and our home got their time and effort that was left after they worked towards their personal goals. They did not care if our canned goods were alphabetized like I did. They did not care if their jeans had a center crease like I did. Maybe they never will care? They do not care if you can eat off our floor. LOL, they thought that was kinda silly, "Mom, who cares if we can eat off the floor, we DON'T eat off the floor, we use plates, so why does it nee dto be washed every day?" <shrug> um, cuz um, well thats just what *I* did. </p><p></p><p>My difficult child struggles daily simply to be alive one more day in a world she finds harsh and scary and cold. I am always SO glad to simply SEE her breathing and alive that anything else is not so important. My easy child has big goals, and is working VERY hard towards them, towards her adult callings...yes, slowly she is learning dinner does not cook itself and homecooked is much nicer than Taco Bell every meal....and she is learning that even tho those of us here at home can be needy, we can also be supportive loveing and fun, so NOW she is slowly coming around a bend and finally really SEEING us more, in a better way. And our son? well, he is just our family favorite little dude. He is also our one with the most whit and humor. I would much rather spend time listening to him than watching him sweep the floor. SO I trade the floor getting swept for his antics. ANd his priority right now at this age is "what is the bottom line, here?" and he wants to hear NO adjectives, no adverbs, he wants the budget plan. No frills. I think if it were up to him to dust? he would toss anythng non vital for human survival. When he eats, it is simply for survival, when he bathes, it is economical, save the soap.....when he dresses, it is simply to cover his privates. How do I argue with that logic in these difficult economic times? LOL. How do I argue with this when I must budget my energy and actions? How do I argue when he sees his one sister cannot even leave the house? AT least HE can and HE does, it is HE who will run into the store if I get us there? </p><p></p><p>When hard times hit, and a chronic illness IS a "hard time" then all you can really do is pool the family resources and learn to make do the best you can. BUT I have been trying to teach my ikids that when looking at prospective life partners, try to find one who can complement you and fill in, someone whose gifts to Life are different than yours. Hopefully then your home life will not have a lot of things that neither of you CAN do? Does that make sense? </p><p>Soooo slowly, over my years being sick, I havve slowly accepted our new normal. </p><p>Oh be sure, I cried screamed kicked and tantrumed along the way......sometimes a LOT. </p><p>I felt sorry for myself a lot along the way. I had periods of extreme anger, feeling sorry for myself, etc. I often felt abandoned, scared, alone. I had far too many times where I did not get fed, times I even sat in my own waste for hours and hours.......and could not do a single thing about it. Blew my mind, hurt me incredibly.....but I did not marry nor give birth to ready made nurses or homeamkers. I had a lot to learn, and my husband and kids had a lot to learn. </p><p>I know without a doubt either my illness will again break thru the current medications or problems will creep up that will require medication changes again. Yes I am scared to peices over that idea. Not one day goes by that I am not enormously grateful for the abilities I have regained. BUT truth is I could get hit by a car before then, anyway. LOL. a couple decades ago some of these medications were not there at all. Very probably then, *I* also would not be here now. SO I try hard to keep that in back of my mind, to help me keep some perspective about how things are here and now. I will trade just being here. ANd the same illness that did this to me, caused me 14 miscarriages, so when I look at my 3 kids, even in all their imperfect glory? They sure look perfect to me. Even if they won't get all the house chores done anywhere near as well as I did, even if they forget to bring me dinner when I am flareing. When I had them, my intent was to take care of THEM. Provide THEM a nice home. It even gets hard for me to think too often I look at them expecting them to take care of ME or provide us a nice home. </p><p>BUT then, there is the other part, becuz so many of my kids friends parents have passed away, and had been gruesomely ill on the way, my kids know first hand up close to be grateful and glad to have parents and have a home. </p><p></p><p>Linda? work with what you have, you can only do what you can do. Give the mtx time, while it is possible the mtx makes you more tired, it can also help with some of the other symptoms, but it takes time. Hang in thre, gentle hugs. Man this illness humbled me, taught me.....I was never one to understand how some people could not do all I did, the way I did so much. Now I am humbled, and now I do know. Each of us does have our own gifts and talents, different from everyone else, each of us has different priorities, different goals, different ways to do things. That is why no man is an island, and it is why it takes all kinds and why it takes a village to raise a child. It is becuz we all have different abilities and different levels of ability. Maybe house chores are just not in kts or dhs list of gifts.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dreamer, post: 171613, member: 1697"] Last nite we (me and my kids) were at our fireworks display. I was talking with my kids about some people they know, some have serious mental illnesses in their parents and in the kids, some have substance abuse problems, and many of my kids friends parents have passed away. Becuz my easy child is so ill right now, and my difficult child still is so agaoraphobic, does not leave house without me, does not yet drive etc....me and my kids talk a LOT. SO we were discussing some of their friends and their friends familys lives. I was trying to help my difficult child and her discussion of her current "boyfriend" He does not drive, does not work at a job.....and I was talking to her saying that it is a good thing when you are pairing off to try to find someone who can complement you. She has many friends who do not drive, and one is very pregnant...far too young, and her mother is homeless. Sadly she is pregnant by someone who also does not drive, who also does not work, and whose parents are also homeless. Each person has different gifts, different talents, different things they bring to their partner, and to life. They also each have different priorities. While my husband has been far too ill to be any help to me with anything to do with our chores or errands etc at all for a very very long time- he does still remain my absolute very best friend. Truth is if he had been this ill when we met, I doubt I would have married him, but, he was not sick when we met. Or when we married. But he is still my best friend, and that is still very important for me. On his better days, he supports me mentally, even if he can do little else, and he thinks exactly like me 99% of the time, LOL, even when I am thinking in a non conformist way, LOL. He was a generous man, and I found that very attractive. BUT he really is useless to be any help. Not anymore. His gift to our family life is simply that he is just here. Thats all there is left of him now. SO when I became ill, it was a problem becuz he could not pick up what I could no longer do. Becuz difficult child has the types of issues she has, she did not step in very well to fill any part of my shoes. But she was a little younger than kt is now. My difficult child is very lazy. But over the years of my illness, she grew. She still is not very helpful, and she has so many fears and anxieties etc, but my difficult children gift to life is that she is very sympathetic, and empathetic and gentle. Out in the Big World this crushes her, andit drives her right back home. But at home it is those same qualities that make her the one who will brush my hair, help me dress, and simply sit with me if my pain flares bad. She gets so anxious she has difficulty cooking, and her sleep needs are very high, but it is still a gift to have her here, adding in her gifts to our family. Since my own illness and how it affected my body, it has helped me see her and how her sickness affects her brain. My illness robbed me of my ability to walk, use my hands feet arms and legs, hers robbed her of her ability to go out into the world and function very independantly. easy child brought her gifts when she was born. She is usually quite independant. She is The One who is gonna go far in her own life. My son is still a little young for me to be very sure, but, he seems to be the most practical, most assertive, man of few words but full of action. I used to be an extreme perfectionist. My home was immaculate to the Nth degree and I got teased about it always and sometimes ridiculed for it. But now that I cannot do everything I once did, now that I had such a long time where I had to depend on others, I had to learn that if I have to have someone else do things, it would be done according to their ways. Just like my difficult child had to learn that I would not always do things HER way if she herself could not do them, I also had to learn and accept the same. MY life was creating a perfect home for my kids, but, my kids have different ideas on what is perfect and what is important. They used their energies and efforts for THEIR personal goals, and our home got their time and effort that was left after they worked towards their personal goals. They did not care if our canned goods were alphabetized like I did. They did not care if their jeans had a center crease like I did. Maybe they never will care? They do not care if you can eat off our floor. LOL, they thought that was kinda silly, "Mom, who cares if we can eat off the floor, we DON'T eat off the floor, we use plates, so why does it nee dto be washed every day?" <shrug> um, cuz um, well thats just what *I* did. My difficult child struggles daily simply to be alive one more day in a world she finds harsh and scary and cold. I am always SO glad to simply SEE her breathing and alive that anything else is not so important. My easy child has big goals, and is working VERY hard towards them, towards her adult callings...yes, slowly she is learning dinner does not cook itself and homecooked is much nicer than Taco Bell every meal....and she is learning that even tho those of us here at home can be needy, we can also be supportive loveing and fun, so NOW she is slowly coming around a bend and finally really SEEING us more, in a better way. And our son? well, he is just our family favorite little dude. He is also our one with the most whit and humor. I would much rather spend time listening to him than watching him sweep the floor. SO I trade the floor getting swept for his antics. ANd his priority right now at this age is "what is the bottom line, here?" and he wants to hear NO adjectives, no adverbs, he wants the budget plan. No frills. I think if it were up to him to dust? he would toss anythng non vital for human survival. When he eats, it is simply for survival, when he bathes, it is economical, save the soap.....when he dresses, it is simply to cover his privates. How do I argue with that logic in these difficult economic times? LOL. How do I argue with this when I must budget my energy and actions? How do I argue when he sees his one sister cannot even leave the house? AT least HE can and HE does, it is HE who will run into the store if I get us there? When hard times hit, and a chronic illness IS a "hard time" then all you can really do is pool the family resources and learn to make do the best you can. BUT I have been trying to teach my ikids that when looking at prospective life partners, try to find one who can complement you and fill in, someone whose gifts to Life are different than yours. Hopefully then your home life will not have a lot of things that neither of you CAN do? Does that make sense? Soooo slowly, over my years being sick, I havve slowly accepted our new normal. Oh be sure, I cried screamed kicked and tantrumed along the way......sometimes a LOT. I felt sorry for myself a lot along the way. I had periods of extreme anger, feeling sorry for myself, etc. I often felt abandoned, scared, alone. I had far too many times where I did not get fed, times I even sat in my own waste for hours and hours.......and could not do a single thing about it. Blew my mind, hurt me incredibly.....but I did not marry nor give birth to ready made nurses or homeamkers. I had a lot to learn, and my husband and kids had a lot to learn. I know without a doubt either my illness will again break thru the current medications or problems will creep up that will require medication changes again. Yes I am scared to peices over that idea. Not one day goes by that I am not enormously grateful for the abilities I have regained. BUT truth is I could get hit by a car before then, anyway. LOL. a couple decades ago some of these medications were not there at all. Very probably then, *I* also would not be here now. SO I try hard to keep that in back of my mind, to help me keep some perspective about how things are here and now. I will trade just being here. ANd the same illness that did this to me, caused me 14 miscarriages, so when I look at my 3 kids, even in all their imperfect glory? They sure look perfect to me. Even if they won't get all the house chores done anywhere near as well as I did, even if they forget to bring me dinner when I am flareing. When I had them, my intent was to take care of THEM. Provide THEM a nice home. It even gets hard for me to think too often I look at them expecting them to take care of ME or provide us a nice home. BUT then, there is the other part, becuz so many of my kids friends parents have passed away, and had been gruesomely ill on the way, my kids know first hand up close to be grateful and glad to have parents and have a home. Linda? work with what you have, you can only do what you can do. Give the mtx time, while it is possible the mtx makes you more tired, it can also help with some of the other symptoms, but it takes time. Hang in thre, gentle hugs. Man this illness humbled me, taught me.....I was never one to understand how some people could not do all I did, the way I did so much. Now I am humbled, and now I do know. Each of us does have our own gifts and talents, different from everyone else, each of us has different priorities, different goals, different ways to do things. That is why no man is an island, and it is why it takes all kinds and why it takes a village to raise a child. It is becuz we all have different abilities and different levels of ability. Maybe house chores are just not in kts or dhs list of gifts. [/QUOTE]
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