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Frustrating update on how to comfort grown son in impending divorce...or is it?
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<blockquote data-quote="mstang67chic" data-source="post: 299907" data-attributes="member: 2459"><p>While I'm not a mother in law and don't forsee it in the near and not so near future, I agree. There's not really anything you can do for him other than to listen. The fate of the marriage may be obvious to you and everyone else but nothing will help him until HE sees it. </p><p></p><p>I am not husband's first wife...I'm his third actually. His first one took place when he was 21 and I think they were both just too young and it didn't last a year. The second one was the one he really tried to make work. They had dated for 3 years or so before getting married and even though it too didn't last a year, the divorce hit him hard. In his case, I don't think it was so much that he lost HER as it was that he failed at a second marriage and was feeling pretty bad about himself. Granted, I don't have every single detail and have only heard his side, but I do know that he tried. He told me some about it and I also heard some from various in-laws. She had an affinity for shopping and really put them in a hole with credit cards. husband would cut them up (his too, not just hers) but she would wait till he was at work or out of town, call the credit card company, report her card as lost and get a new one. He was working all the overtime he could get so he could pay their bills. Apparently, his family tried to tell him that it was a bad situation but he was determined to make it work and wouldn't listen to them. It wasn't until he came home unexpectedly from work one day and found one of his so called friends paying a rather intimate visit to his wife that husband said enough. I know he was angry and hurt....she WAS his wife. But like I said, after that final straw, I think for him, the biggest part aside from the betrayal was that he failed. Again. </p><p></p><p>Maybe for your son, that's a part of why he is so determined. I'm sure he loves his wife and there is also his son to consider, but maybe that's something you can suggest to him and then leave him to think. What exactly is his reasoning for wanting to make it work? If it's love....there really isn't any arguing with that even if you wanted to. If it is more to do with failure, then he needs to see that while it is a big deal, divorce isn't the end of the world. Again though...there is a child in this equation and I'm sure you son is thinking about him also. </p><p></p><p>I agree with the others though. You can talk till you're blue in the face, you can put information about lawyers in front of him, but HE is going to have to be the one to decide. I think your best bet is to just be there for him to listen to and while you can make suggestions, let him come to the best conclusion on his own. Know what I mean??</p><p></p><p>Also for you, if it does come to divorce and if I were in your shoes, I would wait and see what happens with the custody arrangment. BUT, I would also, maybe even before things are final, at least consult with an attorney and see what your rights are as gradparents. I still think, based on what you said in another post, that this woman needs to understand the genetics of gfgdom/mental illness/whatever because those beliefs could not only cause issues with custody/visitation but also put your grandson at a disadvantage shoule he develop any issues as he gets older.</p><p></p><p>Sending hugs. I know it is awful to just sit back watching and not be able to do anything.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh..and as for my husband? Third time is a charm! We've been married 14 years and are still going strong. Sometimes it just takes a couple of tries to find that right one.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mstang67chic, post: 299907, member: 2459"] While I'm not a mother in law and don't forsee it in the near and not so near future, I agree. There's not really anything you can do for him other than to listen. The fate of the marriage may be obvious to you and everyone else but nothing will help him until HE sees it. I am not husband's first wife...I'm his third actually. His first one took place when he was 21 and I think they were both just too young and it didn't last a year. The second one was the one he really tried to make work. They had dated for 3 years or so before getting married and even though it too didn't last a year, the divorce hit him hard. In his case, I don't think it was so much that he lost HER as it was that he failed at a second marriage and was feeling pretty bad about himself. Granted, I don't have every single detail and have only heard his side, but I do know that he tried. He told me some about it and I also heard some from various in-laws. She had an affinity for shopping and really put them in a hole with credit cards. husband would cut them up (his too, not just hers) but she would wait till he was at work or out of town, call the credit card company, report her card as lost and get a new one. He was working all the overtime he could get so he could pay their bills. Apparently, his family tried to tell him that it was a bad situation but he was determined to make it work and wouldn't listen to them. It wasn't until he came home unexpectedly from work one day and found one of his so called friends paying a rather intimate visit to his wife that husband said enough. I know he was angry and hurt....she WAS his wife. But like I said, after that final straw, I think for him, the biggest part aside from the betrayal was that he failed. Again. Maybe for your son, that's a part of why he is so determined. I'm sure he loves his wife and there is also his son to consider, but maybe that's something you can suggest to him and then leave him to think. What exactly is his reasoning for wanting to make it work? If it's love....there really isn't any arguing with that even if you wanted to. If it is more to do with failure, then he needs to see that while it is a big deal, divorce isn't the end of the world. Again though...there is a child in this equation and I'm sure you son is thinking about him also. I agree with the others though. You can talk till you're blue in the face, you can put information about lawyers in front of him, but HE is going to have to be the one to decide. I think your best bet is to just be there for him to listen to and while you can make suggestions, let him come to the best conclusion on his own. Know what I mean?? Also for you, if it does come to divorce and if I were in your shoes, I would wait and see what happens with the custody arrangment. BUT, I would also, maybe even before things are final, at least consult with an attorney and see what your rights are as gradparents. I still think, based on what you said in another post, that this woman needs to understand the genetics of gfgdom/mental illness/whatever because those beliefs could not only cause issues with custody/visitation but also put your grandson at a disadvantage shoule he develop any issues as he gets older. Sending hugs. I know it is awful to just sit back watching and not be able to do anything. Oh..and as for my husband? Third time is a charm! We've been married 14 years and are still going strong. Sometimes it just takes a couple of tries to find that right one. [/QUOTE]
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Frustrating update on how to comfort grown son in impending divorce...or is it?
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