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Substance Abuse
Gentle push or swift kick!
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 627231" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>We are all codependent or we wouldn't be here...lol...but most of us oldsters have taken steps not to behave in a codependent way. For example, rather than sitting and thinking about your son and if he'll call or not call or if he says you are to blame or anything...why not think about yourself and do nice things for yourself, plan outings, see people who are functional, up your hobbies and favorite activities and let your son take care of himself. He IS going to be the one in charge of his life anyway. YOU can not. He is not only of age, but you can't change anybody except yourself. Take one day at a time and try to get his drama out of your head and don't engage in it.</p><p></p><p>If he calls you, keep the drama to a minimum. If he starts abusing or blaming you, cut it off: "You are a grown man now and I am not going to listen to abuse. I have to go now." Then you decide when you want to talk to him again, but only when he is respectful. He is doing a common difficult child trick called "It's your fault that I screwed up and am in trouble." Very common. Very GFGish. Fault doesn't matter. He's over the age of consent for his own life and what he chooses to break the law, it is 100% his own fault. He probably wants you to feel guilty so you'll up the money you send him. That is usually a difficult child motivation.</p><p></p><p>Let him live his life and you live yours. You are not him and he is not you. You do not both have to be in a bad place just because he is. I think most of us started out gushing the "I love you no matter what" ad nauseum when, in fact, they know how much we love them and the more we gush it out at them, the more they use that love against us, to get more material items, usually. A simple "I love you" at the end of each phone call is sufficient.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry you grew up in a loony bin. So did I. So did many of us. Yet most of us did not go to jail...hmmmmmmmmmm...I guess we had the choice of acting out as adults because of it or trying to be better people. And most of us have made some mistakes, but we learned and grew with each lesson and our adult children need to do the same thing we did. If they choose to break the law, they deserve to go to jail or even prison. If they abuse us and deface our house or threaten us or strike us they deserve to have the cops called on them and to not be allowed to live in OUR home (it is not their home). Likewise, if they refuse to quit the drugs, get a full time job, pay rent, do chores, etc. which is minimal stuff for adult children eighteen and up we can also tell them to find another place to live.</p><p></p><p>Our house/our rules.</p><p></p><p>We do not help them by giving them aid and comfort and making it soft for them when they are self-destructing. We are making it easier for them to self-destruct. And often they pay us back by stealing from us, swearing at us, shoving us, you probably know the entire commercial.</p><p></p><p>We raised our kids with incredible love, maybe we coddled them too much. We did not abuse them. I don't care what nonsense they spew to get guilty favors from us. We were good parents. Now it's time for them to grow up and stand on their own two feet and not depend on us to get them out of their own messes. That is being mature. We don't help them if we enable them to stay children, which they no longer are.</p><p></p><p>You deserve a wonderful rest-of-your-life even if your son decides to keep messing up.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if I mentioned twelve step meetings, but if you haven't tried any, they were a saving grace for many of us, myself included.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Now go do something SENSATIONAL for YOU!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 627231, member: 1550"] We are all codependent or we wouldn't be here...lol...but most of us oldsters have taken steps not to behave in a codependent way. For example, rather than sitting and thinking about your son and if he'll call or not call or if he says you are to blame or anything...why not think about yourself and do nice things for yourself, plan outings, see people who are functional, up your hobbies and favorite activities and let your son take care of himself. He IS going to be the one in charge of his life anyway. YOU can not. He is not only of age, but you can't change anybody except yourself. Take one day at a time and try to get his drama out of your head and don't engage in it. If he calls you, keep the drama to a minimum. If he starts abusing or blaming you, cut it off: "You are a grown man now and I am not going to listen to abuse. I have to go now." Then you decide when you want to talk to him again, but only when he is respectful. He is doing a common difficult child trick called "It's your fault that I screwed up and am in trouble." Very common. Very GFGish. Fault doesn't matter. He's over the age of consent for his own life and what he chooses to break the law, it is 100% his own fault. He probably wants you to feel guilty so you'll up the money you send him. That is usually a difficult child motivation. Let him live his life and you live yours. You are not him and he is not you. You do not both have to be in a bad place just because he is. I think most of us started out gushing the "I love you no matter what" ad nauseum when, in fact, they know how much we love them and the more we gush it out at them, the more they use that love against us, to get more material items, usually. A simple "I love you" at the end of each phone call is sufficient. I am sorry you grew up in a loony bin. So did I. So did many of us. Yet most of us did not go to jail...hmmmmmmmmmm...I guess we had the choice of acting out as adults because of it or trying to be better people. And most of us have made some mistakes, but we learned and grew with each lesson and our adult children need to do the same thing we did. If they choose to break the law, they deserve to go to jail or even prison. If they abuse us and deface our house or threaten us or strike us they deserve to have the cops called on them and to not be allowed to live in OUR home (it is not their home). Likewise, if they refuse to quit the drugs, get a full time job, pay rent, do chores, etc. which is minimal stuff for adult children eighteen and up we can also tell them to find another place to live. Our house/our rules. We do not help them by giving them aid and comfort and making it soft for them when they are self-destructing. We are making it easier for them to self-destruct. And often they pay us back by stealing from us, swearing at us, shoving us, you probably know the entire commercial. We raised our kids with incredible love, maybe we coddled them too much. We did not abuse them. I don't care what nonsense they spew to get guilty favors from us. We were good parents. Now it's time for them to grow up and stand on their own two feet and not depend on us to get them out of their own messes. That is being mature. We don't help them if we enable them to stay children, which they no longer are. You deserve a wonderful rest-of-your-life even if your son decides to keep messing up. I don't know if I mentioned twelve step meetings, but if you haven't tried any, they were a saving grace for many of us, myself included. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Now go do something SENSATIONAL for YOU! [/QUOTE]
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