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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 411678" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>I seem to keep ignoring your point about allergies, HaoZi! Not intentional but I guess I haven't really considered this angle seriously. I guess it would be good to rule it out though by knowing for sure... I definitely try to avoid giving my son the "E numbers" and things like Coke - how much longer can I hold out on that one? - and doubtless a healthy diet based on fresh produce is best for ALL kids... Again, modern life rather militates against that!</p><p>Thanks for your pointers about frustration. There is honestly nothing that "leads up" to these outbursts other than that he really HATES to be told what to do in a commanding, peremptory kind of way... Yesterday for example... We went to a playground (do you call them that in the States?) where J hooked up with a little boy his age to play with. It was next to a grass area where older boys were playing football and at one point the two of them were really getting in the way of these boys and their game, stealing the ball from them (amid much giggling), etc. So I went over and told J - in no uncertain terms - to come away and leave them alone. What "The Explosive Child" calls "Plan A" and it simply never works with him. He ignored me totally and refused to come and when I insisted, knowing it would go nowhere good, he started shouting, trying to hit me, behaving monstrously... </p><p>It all looks like ODD - except that I fear that label EVEN more than the ADHD one!! I really do prefer to think of it in terms of, unfortunately or fortunately, these kids have to be handled differently. I would love to be able, in some circumstances, to order him to do something and he just obeys... It never works. So it is time to use other skilful means.... Something like "softly, softly, catchee monkey". In this same playground a few weeks ago, J was playing a very rumbunctious game of cops and robbers (which involved them killing each other every few seconds) with a group of children - at one point he pushed over a little girl who was trying to join in the game. Her mother went over to talk to J, very skilfully I thought: she asked how old he was and then explained to him, crouching down and talking on his level, that he was 4 and the little girl was only 2 so she was too little for the rough stuff. From then on he behaved beautifully with her, being very careful to avoid touching her. If someone had gone up and been angry with him, it would not have had this success...</p><p>I often seem to be asking myself these days... Do I want power in my house or do I want peace and harmony? I definitely want the latter more... And I should hasten to point out that it does NOT mean I give in to my son to all he wants for the sake of peace. We have rules and we have boundaries. But I am just increasingly flexible in the way I enforce the rules... And I don't punish other than scolding him when he has transgressed the boundary. I am afraid, from much bitter experience, time-outs simply do not work with him AT ALL... To my shame I have occasionally given him a slap in the heat of the moment but of course that is not a good idea either and it does not happen any more... </p><p>Over the past few weeks, since I read "The Explosive Child" and since I have stopped getting angry and irritated with my son for his difficult behaviour, he has been much more pleasant to be with and much "easier". Sometimes just recently I have said to myself "Well, I don't like it when people speak to me angrily or harshly, why should a child be any different?" Especially these very volatile children...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 411678, member: 11227"] I seem to keep ignoring your point about allergies, HaoZi! Not intentional but I guess I haven't really considered this angle seriously. I guess it would be good to rule it out though by knowing for sure... I definitely try to avoid giving my son the "E numbers" and things like Coke - how much longer can I hold out on that one? - and doubtless a healthy diet based on fresh produce is best for ALL kids... Again, modern life rather militates against that! Thanks for your pointers about frustration. There is honestly nothing that "leads up" to these outbursts other than that he really HATES to be told what to do in a commanding, peremptory kind of way... Yesterday for example... We went to a playground (do you call them that in the States?) where J hooked up with a little boy his age to play with. It was next to a grass area where older boys were playing football and at one point the two of them were really getting in the way of these boys and their game, stealing the ball from them (amid much giggling), etc. So I went over and told J - in no uncertain terms - to come away and leave them alone. What "The Explosive Child" calls "Plan A" and it simply never works with him. He ignored me totally and refused to come and when I insisted, knowing it would go nowhere good, he started shouting, trying to hit me, behaving monstrously... It all looks like ODD - except that I fear that label EVEN more than the ADHD one!! I really do prefer to think of it in terms of, unfortunately or fortunately, these kids have to be handled differently. I would love to be able, in some circumstances, to order him to do something and he just obeys... It never works. So it is time to use other skilful means.... Something like "softly, softly, catchee monkey". In this same playground a few weeks ago, J was playing a very rumbunctious game of cops and robbers (which involved them killing each other every few seconds) with a group of children - at one point he pushed over a little girl who was trying to join in the game. Her mother went over to talk to J, very skilfully I thought: she asked how old he was and then explained to him, crouching down and talking on his level, that he was 4 and the little girl was only 2 so she was too little for the rough stuff. From then on he behaved beautifully with her, being very careful to avoid touching her. If someone had gone up and been angry with him, it would not have had this success... I often seem to be asking myself these days... Do I want power in my house or do I want peace and harmony? I definitely want the latter more... And I should hasten to point out that it does NOT mean I give in to my son to all he wants for the sake of peace. We have rules and we have boundaries. But I am just increasingly flexible in the way I enforce the rules... And I don't punish other than scolding him when he has transgressed the boundary. I am afraid, from much bitter experience, time-outs simply do not work with him AT ALL... To my shame I have occasionally given him a slap in the heat of the moment but of course that is not a good idea either and it does not happen any more... Over the past few weeks, since I read "The Explosive Child" and since I have stopped getting angry and irritated with my son for his difficult behaviour, he has been much more pleasant to be with and much "easier". Sometimes just recently I have said to myself "Well, I don't like it when people speak to me angrily or harshly, why should a child be any different?" Especially these very volatile children... [/QUOTE]
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