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Giving choices is hard for my difficult child - I need advice...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 167016" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We still have this problem with easy child 2/difficult child 2, and she's 21. The problem can be complex and often comes down to - when you choose Option A, it means you have rejected Option B which is now permanently cut off. The problem is less one of making the choice to do something, as making the choice to close off all other options.</p><p></p><p>What helps for us - I give her information to favour one option over another. If she chooses the non-recommended option out of pure cussedness, that's OK because at least she is making a choice.</p><p>For example, in your situation - "Why do not want to leave me? You get me a lot of the time, we will be together after school. While you're with your teacher I will be at home working on something for us to do afterwards. I will not be offended if you choose to go with your teacher."</p><p></p><p>Sometimes when they're clingy over school you just have to be matter-of-fact and not say a word about their reluctance. Some kids don't want you to think they don't care, and that the only way to show you is to make a fuss about leaving you at the school gate. Some kids are also afraid of missing out on something else that will be going on in their absence. If there is something you can tell her you need to do, that you know she would find boring, then use that. Make sure you can verify it, though.</p><p></p><p>But as smallworld said, with something like school it's best to not give choices. It's where being matter-of-fact comes in. Instead of saying, "Would you like to go to school today, or stay home?" (absolutely disastrous to say to a kid who is even remotely trying to find excuses to stay home) you can say, "I've put something yummy in your lunch box today, to have at school." Or it could be a small bottle of bubble mix (like the ones they hand out at weddings). Or some other small but disposable plaything. </p><p>If she tries to stay home, then she forfeits the lunch box treat because "that's only for school."</p><p>You might even be able to set up a special task, or item, which she can only have at school. For example our number-obsessed son was rewarded with being allowed to change the day on the classroom calendar. Clearly he couldn't do this at home, because the calendar was a school thing.</p><p></p><p>When I suspected difficult child 3 was staying home to avoid schoolwork (which he was finding challenging) I brought in our "school work during school hours" rule and made 'staying home' as tedious as I could, to encourage him to go to school instead.</p><p></p><p>Making choices is a good thing to do, within her capacity to handle it. As I do with easy child 2/difficult child 2 now, I make her choose where I possible can because she has to learn how.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 167016, member: 1991"] We still have this problem with easy child 2/difficult child 2, and she's 21. The problem can be complex and often comes down to - when you choose Option A, it means you have rejected Option B which is now permanently cut off. The problem is less one of making the choice to do something, as making the choice to close off all other options. What helps for us - I give her information to favour one option over another. If she chooses the non-recommended option out of pure cussedness, that's OK because at least she is making a choice. For example, in your situation - "Why do not want to leave me? You get me a lot of the time, we will be together after school. While you're with your teacher I will be at home working on something for us to do afterwards. I will not be offended if you choose to go with your teacher." Sometimes when they're clingy over school you just have to be matter-of-fact and not say a word about their reluctance. Some kids don't want you to think they don't care, and that the only way to show you is to make a fuss about leaving you at the school gate. Some kids are also afraid of missing out on something else that will be going on in their absence. If there is something you can tell her you need to do, that you know she would find boring, then use that. Make sure you can verify it, though. But as smallworld said, with something like school it's best to not give choices. It's where being matter-of-fact comes in. Instead of saying, "Would you like to go to school today, or stay home?" (absolutely disastrous to say to a kid who is even remotely trying to find excuses to stay home) you can say, "I've put something yummy in your lunch box today, to have at school." Or it could be a small bottle of bubble mix (like the ones they hand out at weddings). Or some other small but disposable plaything. If she tries to stay home, then she forfeits the lunch box treat because "that's only for school." You might even be able to set up a special task, or item, which she can only have at school. For example our number-obsessed son was rewarded with being allowed to change the day on the classroom calendar. Clearly he couldn't do this at home, because the calendar was a school thing. When I suspected difficult child 3 was staying home to avoid schoolwork (which he was finding challenging) I brought in our "school work during school hours" rule and made 'staying home' as tedious as I could, to encourage him to go to school instead. Making choices is a good thing to do, within her capacity to handle it. As I do with easy child 2/difficult child 2 now, I make her choose where I possible can because she has to learn how. Marg [/QUOTE]
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