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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 669626" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Cedar, thank you for your wonderful ideas on complex ptsd. I will try them out. I am very gradually starting to feel better. </p><p></p><p>I just cannot control my thoughts when I am asleep. I started waking up and screaming after I realized that the holding the jagged bottle out to my throat was not a joke. I was trying very hard to convince myself that it WAS just a joke, like my son had said. It is not just scary...but it is my son that I am afraid of...my son who has little or no control when he is psychotic.</p><p></p><p>I keep on picturing that expression on my ill son's face that night. Fierce, crazy, otherworldly comes to mind. Then...did he see my look of surprise or sheer terror? His expression changed instantly to a smile and he just laughed...nervously.</p><p></p><p>I guess I do not want to 'face' that trauma. I would rather shove it down deep. But, my own mind is betraying me...it keeps coming back up to the surface in my dreams...</p><p></p><p>Maybe, the use of my haptic modality...writing it down, will help me to face it and release some of its power over me...</p><p></p><p>All of those feelings are inside and it is hard to make any sense out of it. It feels like I am having a bad dream and I want to wake up. I have kept saying that to myself.</p><p></p><p>Funny, now I AM having a bad dream and waking up...screaming. I should watch what I wish for.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 669626, member: 19245"] Cedar, thank you for your wonderful ideas on complex ptsd. I will try them out. I am very gradually starting to feel better. I just cannot control my thoughts when I am asleep. I started waking up and screaming after I realized that the holding the jagged bottle out to my throat was not a joke. I was trying very hard to convince myself that it WAS just a joke, like my son had said. It is not just scary...but it is my son that I am afraid of...my son who has little or no control when he is psychotic. I keep on picturing that expression on my ill son's face that night. Fierce, crazy, otherworldly comes to mind. Then...did he see my look of surprise or sheer terror? His expression changed instantly to a smile and he just laughed...nervously. I guess I do not want to 'face' that trauma. I would rather shove it down deep. But, my own mind is betraying me...it keeps coming back up to the surface in my dreams... Maybe, the use of my haptic modality...writing it down, will help me to face it and release some of its power over me... All of those feelings are inside and it is hard to make any sense out of it. It feels like I am having a bad dream and I want to wake up. I have kept saying that to myself. Funny, now I AM having a bad dream and waking up...screaming. I should watch what I wish for. [/QUOTE]
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