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Going to Houston...
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 510618"><p>AG- I saw your post last night on my iPhone and I immediately thought of the "statements to detach" that Trinity posted a few months ago on the Parents Emeritus Board. While I think you have to take suicide threats seriously, I am not sure that is what your difficult child is implying. But I don't know. I think texts are rough but hey I am the mom whose kid isn't in touch - so I am certainly not a good source of advice. I might have texted back - hey - you're tired, I am tired, I love you - let's get a good night sleep and we can talk in the morning."</p><p> </p><p>These are the statements to detach as seen on the PE board - I copied them down and added a few of my own as well as some pre-planned answers to his most common retorts. </p><p></p><p>I prepped them all for out "talk" in November at which time I didn't need them. I found the printed list a few days after difficult child stormed out in January and I read them aloud to my husband. Ironically -- difficult child said EVERY SINGLE PHRASE we predicted in that January discussions. Not that it made a difference, but at least we didn't engage. I hope this helps. I apologize for the length - I copied it straight from my journal page and don't have time to edit. </p><p></p><p>Phrases to use that acknowledge but do not engage:</p><p>I'm projecting my difficult child will continue to say things such as:</p><p></p><p></p><p><strong>-- "I am an adult why do I have a curfew (need to tell you where I am etc)?" </strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>-- "Other parents are fine with their kids drinking and smoking, you're the ones with the problem" </strong></p><p><strong>-- "Pot is legal in many places and will be legal here soon!</strong></p><p><strong>-- "Most people (or you did) party in college and they are FINE" </strong></p><p><strong>-- "If you let me do what I want, none of this would have happened" </strong></p><p><strong>-- "I had to lie to you because you wouldn't have wanted me to do it" </strong></p><p><strong>-- "You refuse to compromise" (ha, as if - we've compromised so much that we are dizzy)</strong></p><p><strong>-- "It's your fault because (insert one: you are too controlling, you breathe oxygen, your eyes are brown, you care too much, you care too little, you don't live in the real world, you are fake, this family is dysfunctional, you took me to FL instead of Aspen etc)</strong></p><p></p><p></p><p><strong>This is your fault: why can't you (be like other parents?) (let me live my own life) </strong></p><p></p><p></p><p>A:<em><strong> "I know you feel that we're not your ideal parents. (resist to insert we know how you feel) . How do you think you should cope with that?</strong></em></p><p></p><p><strong>"Pot will be legal (is legal elsewhere)"</strong></p><p></p><p></p><p>A:<em><strong> That is an interesting theory, I'll be happy to reconsider my point of view when the laws change"</strong></em></p><p><em><strong></strong></em></p><p><em><strong></strong></em><strong>Other phrases to detach:</strong></p><p></p><p></p><p>"I'm so sorry this has happened again, but I am sure you will work it out. We are not going to send you any more money."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"Well, I'm sure you'll work it out." </p><p></p><p></p><p>"That sounds like an interesting idea."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"Good for you, honey!"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"How are you handling that?"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"How does he/she feel?"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"I'll need to talk to your dad/guru/dog about that."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"I don't have an answer right now. I'll do some research."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"Sorry, I'm on my way out the door right now and can't talk!"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"We must have a bad signal, I can't hear you"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"I need some time to think about that. I'll get back to you."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"That must make you feel good."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"That must make you feel bad."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"How does that make you feel?"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"What's your opinion?"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"I'm so sorry, honey."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 510618"] AG- I saw your post last night on my iPhone and I immediately thought of the "statements to detach" that Trinity posted a few months ago on the Parents Emeritus Board. While I think you have to take suicide threats seriously, I am not sure that is what your difficult child is implying. But I don't know. I think texts are rough but hey I am the mom whose kid isn't in touch - so I am certainly not a good source of advice. I might have texted back - hey - you're tired, I am tired, I love you - let's get a good night sleep and we can talk in the morning." These are the statements to detach as seen on the PE board - I copied them down and added a few of my own as well as some pre-planned answers to his most common retorts. I prepped them all for out "talk" in November at which time I didn't need them. I found the printed list a few days after difficult child stormed out in January and I read them aloud to my husband. Ironically -- difficult child said EVERY SINGLE PHRASE we predicted in that January discussions. Not that it made a difference, but at least we didn't engage. I hope this helps. I apologize for the length - I copied it straight from my journal page and don't have time to edit. Phrases to use that acknowledge but do not engage: I'm projecting my difficult child will continue to say things such as: [B]-- "I am an adult why do I have a curfew (need to tell you where I am etc)?" [/B] [B]-- "Other parents are fine with their kids drinking and smoking, you're the ones with the problem" [/B] [B]-- "Pot is legal in many places and will be legal here soon![/B] [B]-- "Most people (or you did) party in college and they are FINE" [/B] [B]-- "If you let me do what I want, none of this would have happened" [/B] [B]-- "I had to lie to you because you wouldn't have wanted me to do it" [/B] [B]-- "You refuse to compromise" (ha, as if - we've compromised so much that we are dizzy)[/B] [B]-- "It's your fault because (insert one: you are too controlling, you breathe oxygen, your eyes are brown, you care too much, you care too little, you don't live in the real world, you are fake, this family is dysfunctional, you took me to FL instead of Aspen etc)[/B] [B]This is your fault: why can't you (be like other parents?) (let me live my own life) [/B] A:[I][B] "I know you feel that we're not your ideal parents. (resist to insert we know how you feel) . How do you think you should cope with that?[/B][/I] [B]"Pot will be legal (is legal elsewhere)"[/B] A:[I][B] That is an interesting theory, I'll be happy to reconsider my point of view when the laws change" [/B][/I][B]Other phrases to detach:[/B] "I'm so sorry this has happened again, but I am sure you will work it out. We are not going to send you any more money." "Well, I'm sure you'll work it out." "That sounds like an interesting idea." "Good for you, honey!" "How are you handling that?" "How does he/she feel?" "I'll need to talk to your dad/guru/dog about that." "I don't have an answer right now. I'll do some research." "Sorry, I'm on my way out the door right now and can't talk!" "We must have a bad signal, I can't hear you" "I need some time to think about that. I'll get back to you." "That must make you feel good." "That must make you feel bad." "How does that make you feel?" "What's your opinion?" "I'm so sorry, honey." [/QUOTE]
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