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Good article on myths of adopted children
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 221608" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hey, Marg!!! Missed you yesterday <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>I don't treat my adopted kids different from my first son and my biological son has as many issues as the other kids...lol. I think it comes down to genetics--oldest son inherited all my problems...lol. </p><p>You described three adoptions that were special needs adoptions and I think that's become the norm. You can't make an older child attach to you the way an infant does. If you're lucky the child will grow to love you--it doesn't always happen that they CAN attach--but it's not the instant love you have when you hold a baby in your arms. It's a complicated person, who has already lost some of his childhood and has never been nurtured, being told he is now in a family. </p><p>I don't think sending older adopted kids to the "best" schools is wise. Most have learning issues due to their past AND probably their birthparent's issues. When a child is adopted at an older age, I always recommend a complete non-biased evaluation to see what you have and how you can help. </p><p>There are very few healthy infant adoptions from health birthparents in the United States anymore. My youngest would come the closest because I don't know about my Korean daughter's birthparents. My youngest daughter has a very sweet, competent birthmother who did not ever abuse drugs or alcohol--she was impulsive and got pregnant twice (ADHD?). Her son, N's half bro, was on Ritalin last I heard. N's birthfather is a drug addict who did jail time. So she doesn't have the greatest genes either, however on her paternal side MOST of the family is productive and healthy. N. does not seem to be mentally ill and is so far easy to raise. The problems I have with her are in my own head...lol. I'm a very nervous, overly concerned mother so I worry. I treat her the same way I treated my biological son. Same with my daughter from Korea and my son from Hong Kong. L., my autistic son, is the only one I treat differently due to his disability. Most of the time I don't even think "oh, she's adopted!" Most of the time, I think, "They're the sunshine of my life! They're mine!" So far my son from Hong Kong, who came at six, is doing well, but has detached from us (I don't really think he ever bonded). Everyone knows about my Korean daughter...lol. She is just a lovely young adult, but every gray hair on my head I always tell her she gave me when she was a teen. But she turned out really well! N. and L. are on the right track too. As for biological son, he's doing well, but he has A LOT of psychiatric problems he deals with every day and he's not as stable as I am!!!</p><p>I personally tell people to adopt the youngest child you can if you want a strong attachment. We just lucked out at L. grew so attached to us even though he didn't come to us until he was two. I think I have to thank his foster parents who nurtured him like he was one of their own. He was able to attach easily and well.</p><p>I rambled long enough. Don't ever go "missing" again, even for a day. You are one of my favorite people here...lol <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 221608, member: 1550"] Hey, Marg!!! Missed you yesterday :) I don't treat my adopted kids different from my first son and my biological son has as many issues as the other kids...lol. I think it comes down to genetics--oldest son inherited all my problems...lol. You described three adoptions that were special needs adoptions and I think that's become the norm. You can't make an older child attach to you the way an infant does. If you're lucky the child will grow to love you--it doesn't always happen that they CAN attach--but it's not the instant love you have when you hold a baby in your arms. It's a complicated person, who has already lost some of his childhood and has never been nurtured, being told he is now in a family. I don't think sending older adopted kids to the "best" schools is wise. Most have learning issues due to their past AND probably their birthparent's issues. When a child is adopted at an older age, I always recommend a complete non-biased evaluation to see what you have and how you can help. There are very few healthy infant adoptions from health birthparents in the United States anymore. My youngest would come the closest because I don't know about my Korean daughter's birthparents. My youngest daughter has a very sweet, competent birthmother who did not ever abuse drugs or alcohol--she was impulsive and got pregnant twice (ADHD?). Her son, N's half bro, was on Ritalin last I heard. N's birthfather is a drug addict who did jail time. So she doesn't have the greatest genes either, however on her paternal side MOST of the family is productive and healthy. N. does not seem to be mentally ill and is so far easy to raise. The problems I have with her are in my own head...lol. I'm a very nervous, overly concerned mother so I worry. I treat her the same way I treated my biological son. Same with my daughter from Korea and my son from Hong Kong. L., my autistic son, is the only one I treat differently due to his disability. Most of the time I don't even think "oh, she's adopted!" Most of the time, I think, "They're the sunshine of my life! They're mine!" So far my son from Hong Kong, who came at six, is doing well, but has detached from us (I don't really think he ever bonded). Everyone knows about my Korean daughter...lol. She is just a lovely young adult, but every gray hair on my head I always tell her she gave me when she was a teen. But she turned out really well! N. and L. are on the right track too. As for biological son, he's doing well, but he has A LOT of psychiatric problems he deals with every day and he's not as stable as I am!!! I personally tell people to adopt the youngest child you can if you want a strong attachment. We just lucked out at L. grew so attached to us even though he didn't come to us until he was two. I think I have to thank his foster parents who nurtured him like he was one of their own. He was able to attach easily and well. I rambled long enough. Don't ever go "missing" again, even for a day. You are one of my favorite people here...lol :) [/QUOTE]
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Good article on myths of adopted children
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