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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 57165" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p>Okay, so I get the whole "teen angst" thing now, and understand that he's acting like any other teen would act. But it still hurts. Also, yesterday evening before the Blue Man Group show we finally had a "heart to heart".</p><p></p><p>It was four hours before the show, and he wanted to go to Citiwalk with his new "friends". When I told him I wanted him to come to the room to talk with him, a 30 minute phone argument ensued where I nearly had to threaten to cancel the show and have hotel security hunt him down before he finally showed up.</p><p></p><p>He came in, plopped on the bed, and stared at me like I was something that had just crawled out of the swamp. No matter, i pressed on...</p><p></p><p>I asked him why he came on the trip. Shrugging shoulders and the unspoken "I don't know" blank stare was the only answer I received. I told him that I didn't want to have this conversation, but it was important for him to understand since he thought I was acting "psycho" again. He said "Haven't I spent the last three days with you?"</p><p></p><p>"Exactly my point" I replied. "You've been <strong>here</strong> with me in Orlando, but you haven't spent hardly any time with <strong>me</strong>. You've spent more time on your own or with a bunch of drunk gang-banging teens that you just met than you have with me."</p><p></p><p>I repeated "why did you come?" He didn't answer, so I said "Okay, I'll tell you why <em>I</em> came. Because you'll be 18 in two months, and at that point your life will change forever. And over the last year, I've realized that I don't know you, and I've tried everything I could to reconnect with you so that when you turned 18 there's still be some connection".</p><p></p><p>"I tried being your 'buddy', looking the other way when you toked and yukking it up at your druggie jokes. I tied being the gorilla nazi dad, and that didn't work either. I tried being the dispationate adult, dealing with issues instead of emotions. No luck. I tried therapy, threats, bribes, and just about everything else I could think of to find some way to get though to you. Nothing worked".</p><p></p><p>"So, as a last resort, I thought I'd try just being a dad. Nothing major, nothing "deep", just a Dad and his son going on a vacation together to do something that they've both wanted to do for a long time. I thought that surely, we could find some way to bridge the gap. But that didn't happen, and it <strong>can't</strong> happen if <em>you're not here!</em>".</p><p></p><p>Vacant stare, tapping feet, silent mouth, so I continue....</p><p></p><p>"You can't even begin to believe what I've gone through to try and find some way to connect with you. And this was my last chance, and it failed".</p><p></p><p>That finally got a response from him. "It failed? How do you figure that?" sez himself...</p><p></p><p>"It failed because I see your legal maturity coming in two months. I see a person who is obviously <u>not ready</u> for the legal status of reaching majority. I see a relationship between us that's obviously damaged. And I saw one last chance to reach out to you and try to forge some link that will endure once you turn 18. And you rejected it."</p><p></p><p>"In short, I'd hoped that our relationship would be in better shape after the trip than before we left. I can see now that that was a mistake, because that's obviously not a committment you're willing to make".</p><p></p><p>Another response: "what do you mean? Haven't we spent time together? Haven't we done things together?"</p><p></p><p>Okay, at least he's talking now.</p><p></p><p>I reply "yes, we've done things. We've gone to eat. We've gone shopping for CD's. We've wandered around doing the things you wanted to do, yet you treat me like some tag-a-long in the crowd until you want me to pay for something. That's not a relationship."</p><p></p><p>Rolling eyes, tapping feet, "you're overreacting". "The only time you're happy is when you have me locked in the house, doing nothing. When I'm sick, when I'm grounded, whatever. If I'm locked in the house, then you're happy. You're just psycho"....</p><p></p><p>"No I'm not! This has been building for over a year. And now you're close to being old enough to be 'on your own', and you're no better off than a year ago. And actually, it's the other way around. For over a year, the only time YOU are happy is when you get exactly what you want, without any oversight, questions, or poking around into your <em>private life</em>. That's not a relationship. That's a dictatorship, with you being the dictator. And finally, I'm standing up and telling you that that's wrong, and I want more from our relationship than a drug-addled rebellious teen dictating how, when, and to what degree I can interact with him - when I'm still providing everything he needs to lead his so-called <em>life</em>."</p><p></p><p>"Do you even realize how close that is to changing? You've been acting for over a year like nothing will ever change. That you'll always have a room to sleep in, that there will always be food on the table, medical insurance for when you get sick, clothes to wear, and parents to have your back when you get in a jam. You act like that will never change, and that you can continue to treat us like a burden and like we're the Gestapo and still get what you want. Two months from now, that will change, and you don't even see it coming....."</p><p></p><p>Finally, silence, and a glint of comprehension starts to flit through his eyes....</p><p></p><p>"Do you understand now? Your life situation is about to change permanently. I've been trying to find some middle ground with you for over a year before that happens, and this was my last chance. And it failed, because now you know the REAL reason I planned this trip, and you still don't care".</p><p></p><p>"Uh, what do you want to do now, Dad"?</p><p></p><p>"It's a little late to ask now. The fact that I had to explain what's really going on only serves to ensure that you will never go along with it. You couldn't just take the chance to have a once-in-a-lifetime trip with your Dad and enjoy it. You could have had something that, twenty years from now, you could look back and say "that was a good time with my Dad, and I'll remember it forever". You could have had that, but instead you took it as a 'dad ferrying me to Orlando, now I'm going to go out and have some fun'. Now that I've had to tell you what I wanted, it's too late."</p><p></p><p>"So go out with your friends. Be back in time for the show - at least that will be one good memory you can take from the trip. But if you don't want to be around me, then go be where you want. I don't want your pity, and I don't want your charity. What I DO want, however, is for you to think about whether or not you want a relationship with me and your Mom. And whether or not you're willing to finally start giving something back to keep a relationship you value alive."</p><p></p><p>"If you don't value our love, if it's just a burden to you, then have the guts to tell me that to my face and then go on about your business when you're 18. Because I can tell you that when you reach that golden age, the days of you taking what you want, ignoring what you choose, and shunning the needs of those around you who love you are over. Relationships run two ways, and it's about time you learned that. I'd hoped to find a gentle, acceptable way to help you see that here, but as usual you take what you want and throw the rest away. So go ahead, do what you want right now, but understand that the clock is ticking for you. Two months isn't that long, and choosing not to make a decision is the same as choosing to reject an actual relationship with your family".</p><p></p><p>I then left for dinner, and came back to an empty room. He showed up later, just in time to take a nap before the show.</p><p></p><p>And for the record, it was a GREAT show! I even got to buy the artwork made by the group during the show which McWeedy thought was cool. For that two hours, I finally found the connection I'd been looking for. We had a great time. But I was't deluded, and knew it wouldn't last. And it didn't. But at least I have that one good memory to take with me from the trip. It'll have to suffice.</p><p></p><p>Lessons learned? (1) No matter how hard you try, you can only have the relationship with your child that they're willing to let you have. (2) I realize now how important my relationship with wife is; kids will come, and then go, but my wife is my love and my life, and when she gets back I will do everything in my power to make sure she knows that; (3) No matter how bad things get, you can still find moments of happiness in the worst situations. (4) No matter how hard you try, you can't make a one-sided relationship work.</p><p></p><p>Layover wisdom from the Memphis airport....</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 57165, member: 3579"] Okay, so I get the whole "teen angst" thing now, and understand that he's acting like any other teen would act. But it still hurts. Also, yesterday evening before the Blue Man Group show we finally had a "heart to heart". It was four hours before the show, and he wanted to go to Citiwalk with his new "friends". When I told him I wanted him to come to the room to talk with him, a 30 minute phone argument ensued where I nearly had to threaten to cancel the show and have hotel security hunt him down before he finally showed up. He came in, plopped on the bed, and stared at me like I was something that had just crawled out of the swamp. No matter, i pressed on... I asked him why he came on the trip. Shrugging shoulders and the unspoken "I don't know" blank stare was the only answer I received. I told him that I didn't want to have this conversation, but it was important for him to understand since he thought I was acting "psycho" again. He said "Haven't I spent the last three days with you?" "Exactly my point" I replied. "You've been [b]here[/b] with me in Orlando, but you haven't spent hardly any time with [b]me[/b]. You've spent more time on your own or with a bunch of drunk gang-banging teens that you just met than you have with me." I repeated "why did you come?" He didn't answer, so I said "Okay, I'll tell you why [i]I[/i] came. Because you'll be 18 in two months, and at that point your life will change forever. And over the last year, I've realized that I don't know you, and I've tried everything I could to reconnect with you so that when you turned 18 there's still be some connection". "I tried being your 'buddy', looking the other way when you toked and yukking it up at your druggie jokes. I tied being the gorilla nazi dad, and that didn't work either. I tried being the dispationate adult, dealing with issues instead of emotions. No luck. I tried therapy, threats, bribes, and just about everything else I could think of to find some way to get though to you. Nothing worked". "So, as a last resort, I thought I'd try just being a dad. Nothing major, nothing "deep", just a Dad and his son going on a vacation together to do something that they've both wanted to do for a long time. I thought that surely, we could find some way to bridge the gap. But that didn't happen, and it [b]can't[/b] happen if [i]you're not here![/i]". Vacant stare, tapping feet, silent mouth, so I continue.... "You can't even begin to believe what I've gone through to try and find some way to connect with you. And this was my last chance, and it failed". That finally got a response from him. "It failed? How do you figure that?" sez himself... "It failed because I see your legal maturity coming in two months. I see a person who is obviously <u>not ready</u> for the legal status of reaching majority. I see a relationship between us that's obviously damaged. And I saw one last chance to reach out to you and try to forge some link that will endure once you turn 18. And you rejected it." "In short, I'd hoped that our relationship would be in better shape after the trip than before we left. I can see now that that was a mistake, because that's obviously not a committment you're willing to make". Another response: "what do you mean? Haven't we spent time together? Haven't we done things together?" Okay, at least he's talking now. I reply "yes, we've done things. We've gone to eat. We've gone shopping for CD's. We've wandered around doing the things you wanted to do, yet you treat me like some tag-a-long in the crowd until you want me to pay for something. That's not a relationship." Rolling eyes, tapping feet, "you're overreacting". "The only time you're happy is when you have me locked in the house, doing nothing. When I'm sick, when I'm grounded, whatever. If I'm locked in the house, then you're happy. You're just psycho".... "No I'm not! This has been building for over a year. And now you're close to being old enough to be 'on your own', and you're no better off than a year ago. And actually, it's the other way around. For over a year, the only time YOU are happy is when you get exactly what you want, without any oversight, questions, or poking around into your [i]private life[/i]. That's not a relationship. That's a dictatorship, with you being the dictator. And finally, I'm standing up and telling you that that's wrong, and I want more from our relationship than a drug-addled rebellious teen dictating how, when, and to what degree I can interact with him - when I'm still providing everything he needs to lead his so-called [i]life[/i]." "Do you even realize how close that is to changing? You've been acting for over a year like nothing will ever change. That you'll always have a room to sleep in, that there will always be food on the table, medical insurance for when you get sick, clothes to wear, and parents to have your back when you get in a jam. You act like that will never change, and that you can continue to treat us like a burden and like we're the Gestapo and still get what you want. Two months from now, that will change, and you don't even see it coming....." Finally, silence, and a glint of comprehension starts to flit through his eyes.... "Do you understand now? Your life situation is about to change permanently. I've been trying to find some middle ground with you for over a year before that happens, and this was my last chance. And it failed, because now you know the REAL reason I planned this trip, and you still don't care". "Uh, what do you want to do now, Dad"? "It's a little late to ask now. The fact that I had to explain what's really going on only serves to ensure that you will never go along with it. You couldn't just take the chance to have a once-in-a-lifetime trip with your Dad and enjoy it. You could have had something that, twenty years from now, you could look back and say "that was a good time with my Dad, and I'll remember it forever". You could have had that, but instead you took it as a 'dad ferrying me to Orlando, now I'm going to go out and have some fun'. Now that I've had to tell you what I wanted, it's too late." "So go out with your friends. Be back in time for the show - at least that will be one good memory you can take from the trip. But if you don't want to be around me, then go be where you want. I don't want your pity, and I don't want your charity. What I DO want, however, is for you to think about whether or not you want a relationship with me and your Mom. And whether or not you're willing to finally start giving something back to keep a relationship you value alive." "If you don't value our love, if it's just a burden to you, then have the guts to tell me that to my face and then go on about your business when you're 18. Because I can tell you that when you reach that golden age, the days of you taking what you want, ignoring what you choose, and shunning the needs of those around you who love you are over. Relationships run two ways, and it's about time you learned that. I'd hoped to find a gentle, acceptable way to help you see that here, but as usual you take what you want and throw the rest away. So go ahead, do what you want right now, but understand that the clock is ticking for you. Two months isn't that long, and choosing not to make a decision is the same as choosing to reject an actual relationship with your family". I then left for dinner, and came back to an empty room. He showed up later, just in time to take a nap before the show. And for the record, it was a GREAT show! I even got to buy the artwork made by the group during the show which McWeedy thought was cool. For that two hours, I finally found the connection I'd been looking for. We had a great time. But I was't deluded, and knew it wouldn't last. And it didn't. But at least I have that one good memory to take with me from the trip. It'll have to suffice. Lessons learned? (1) No matter how hard you try, you can only have the relationship with your child that they're willing to let you have. (2) I realize now how important my relationship with wife is; kids will come, and then go, but my wife is my love and my life, and when she gets back I will do everything in my power to make sure she knows that; (3) No matter how bad things get, you can still find moments of happiness in the worst situations. (4) No matter how hard you try, you can't make a one-sided relationship work. Layover wisdom from the Memphis airport.... Mikey [/QUOTE]
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