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<blockquote data-quote="Calamity Jane" data-source="post: 547218" data-attributes="member: 13882"><p>Exhausted,</p><p>If you KNEW of the abuse and did nothing about it, you should have guilt. I'm assuming you had no idea. You can have regret that you didn't pick up on it, but guilt is not warranted in my opinion. The person who did this is the person who should feel guilt. I don't know if they're in jail for this or if it's unresolved, but THAT person committed a crime, not you. You're the stand-in. But whether we call it guilt or regret, it's still making you feel stuck, and feel bad and feel like you've let your difficult child down. I'm sure you feel like you'll never be taken seriously by her again, and that you've lost your status as a mom, because moms know everything. Don't feel like that...it's a waste of time. <strong>Truth is, difficult child has to stop thinking like a victim and start thinking like a <em>survivor</em></strong>. If she sticks with therapy, she has a chance. difficult child's abuser will ultimately have power over all of you if difficult child doesn't accept your love, your help, your regret and try to move on and make a go of her own life. Otherwise, he wins, (I'm assuming it's a he) because even though he hasn't laid a hand on her lately, he's still "abusing" her daily if she can't function and if she doesn't take the reins of her own recovery. She's allowing him that power, and she's transferring all the guilt to you! You have to stay strong and SHE has to face this, work at it even though it hurts, and she has to stop her victim mindset. You can support her, but you cannot do it for her, and don't allow yourself to accept that guilt. All of you will be stuck right where you are if you do, and I know you don't want that. Hugs and more hugs for your hurting hearts.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Calamity Jane, post: 547218, member: 13882"] Exhausted, If you KNEW of the abuse and did nothing about it, you should have guilt. I'm assuming you had no idea. You can have regret that you didn't pick up on it, but guilt is not warranted in my opinion. The person who did this is the person who should feel guilt. I don't know if they're in jail for this or if it's unresolved, but THAT person committed a crime, not you. You're the stand-in. But whether we call it guilt or regret, it's still making you feel stuck, and feel bad and feel like you've let your difficult child down. I'm sure you feel like you'll never be taken seriously by her again, and that you've lost your status as a mom, because moms know everything. Don't feel like that...it's a waste of time. [B]Truth is, difficult child has to stop thinking like a victim and start thinking like a [I]survivor[/I][/B]. If she sticks with therapy, she has a chance. difficult child's abuser will ultimately have power over all of you if difficult child doesn't accept your love, your help, your regret and try to move on and make a go of her own life. Otherwise, he wins, (I'm assuming it's a he) because even though he hasn't laid a hand on her lately, he's still "abusing" her daily if she can't function and if she doesn't take the reins of her own recovery. She's allowing him that power, and she's transferring all the guilt to you! You have to stay strong and SHE has to face this, work at it even though it hurts, and she has to stop her victim mindset. You can support her, but you cannot do it for her, and don't allow yourself to accept that guilt. All of you will be stuck right where you are if you do, and I know you don't want that. Hugs and more hugs for your hurting hearts. [/QUOTE]
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