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Had a Revelation Last Night (long, thanks for reading if you can)
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 409053" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Susie* </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I sat and thought about this for a while. Mostly because I care about you, and wanted to come back with some sound advice, as if we were chatting over coffee or something - And I did read it all, every line. And I have read about your family almost every time you've posted, or at least every time I'm here. The one thing that I see over and over is - you aren't ready to let go of your past, and it's affecting your present in a lot of ways that aren't healthy for you. Just like you are starting to realize, but it's really hard to try to go back 30+ years on your own, and then you are only getting ONE side or one view, and then what? What do you do with the emotions you dig up? There just kinda hanging there in limbo and now not only do you have today's junk today with - now you've dug up all that 30 year old junk and you have it hanging around nagging you and you have NO CLUE what to do with it - and it's clogging the system (so to speak). </p><p> </p><p>To me it's obvious you have a lot of unresolved issues from your childhood, that are spilling into your present and it is frustrating you to the point that you are obsessing about it. I know you love your parents (even as one sided as they seem) Again just my opinion, but the things that you are craving from your Mom and Dad? Aren't going to just jump out there and present themselves to you. I think it's possible that you could have the approval that you seek from them and the respect that you want - but I think all this past junk clunks it up for them and you. I think for a lot of us, we don't even realize that sometimes we do carry past junk into the present NOR are we willing to admit it. Are you carrying grudges? I dunno. I know I did about a LOT of stuff. Who doesn't? You'd have to be a Saint not to. One time I got accused of cutting the bottom off of all the show-dog toys and grounded for a month. OMG I was so mad. I just KNEW my sister had done it. I mean I didn't do it. So for YEARS and I mean up until like 3 years ago - I carried this grudge. Dumb, but still. I knew I got blamed for something I didn't do - and that wasn't the only thing- being the oldest you get blamed for a LOT. Well guess who finally confessed to doing it? In a million years - you'll never guess. My Mom said Pop did it. He was trying to cut the raggedy ends off and took it too far and sliced the ends on accident - when Mom found them I got blamed - and Dad never found out till years later because what Mom said went. OMG what a dumb grudge to carry huh? So then I started asking about a lot of other stuff and well there weren't many confessions but I got a lot of junk unloaded. It was good - Good to know in my Mothers eyes that my sister wasn't perfect - so yeah - I see where you are coming from with that. </p><p> </p><p>in my humble opinion until you deal with your past- and that to me after reading your posts - is YOUR perceptions of your parents opinions of you, your perceptions of your parents, your brothers opinion of you, and your perceptions of him - I don't think you will EVER get the thing you desperately seek. What is it you seek? I don't know - you have to figure that out yourself. </p><p> </p><p>Reason i say this is because when I went through therapy the thing I wanted most was self-esteem. Without it - I couldn't get anything from anyone else. No one will give you respect when you don't respect yourself. I had this confused with self-confidence. Oh yes - I could do anything..that's self confidence - but I had zero self-esteem. I had allowed everyone to beat that out of me for years. I had distanced myself from everyone and I was nice on the surface but what a volcano under the shirt. I had no idea why I was so angry all the time, an why it was EVERYONE ELSE that I was pointing at. Once I started in therapy? I didn't have time to worry about everyone elses faults. OMG i had so many of my own to deal with - I didn't have time to fix anything else. When I saw what I needed to fix in ME? And fixed it? I started to like me - and felt a little bit of pity for the people that I used to point at. Eventually a lot of pity. It was like - I get it ---and they stayed petty. When you truly go through years of therapy and work on YOU? You dont have time to worry about your brothers short comings. You won't worry about his past - or why he did this 20 years ago, or 30 years ago. Honestly? You'll just sit back and have this peace - real inner peace most days and it will give you the ability to look at your brother and his problems and you will start saying things to your parents like "I'm sorry for Johnny and his problems today, but I'm not buying into his routine of engaging our family in an argument over silly trifling things." </p><p> </p><p>My sister is a perfect example of this - CONSTANTLY trying to engage people in arguments. Constantly trying to find someone's trigger. Usually with me - it wasn't hard. I was a cannon - and had a short fuse and I think now how much entertainment (cheaply) I must have provided for her over the years. How much sick enjoyment she mush have gotten watching me blow up, burst out of the doors, or peel out of Moms driveway, or yell or argue, or throw things across the yard, and then sit there like the little innocent. I think even thinking about it - makes that vein in my right temple swell up -lol. But fact is - eventually I found peace and the last time she tried it? I just sat there - and texted things back like - I'm sorry you feel that way - hope you feel better. You're welcome, have a great night. And this ended up in us not talking for months - until her accident - and guess who was right there? Me. amazing huh? It was no small secret to see the look of shock on all her "friends" faces as I sat there day after day in her hospital room and as they came in - introduced myself as her sister. (it was priceless -) they'd look at me, then her, then me - and I thought - Ohhhhhhhhh yeah....expecting horns and a tail? OH not expecting me at all? Wow.....(ahem) </p><p> </p><p>I think perhaps since this thing with your brother and family.....IS bothering <strong><u><em>still</em></u></strong>? And you have said to us over and over "I'm not bothering with him" and then are still thinking about it - you are OBVIOUSLY not going to let it go. SO my advice would be - don't. BUT - DO go talk to someone about it - because my underlying thought is - FAMILY NO MATTER is VERY important to you. AND out on a limb here really - but no matter what your posts say - I would guess that it would mean the world to you to have a brother. So IF your brother can't be well - and you can't have a relationship with him - and if that is not a reality - then your best next bet would be to get to a therapist that can help you put the past behind you, AND HELP YOU lay this relationship to rest or help you know why it is NOT you that can't have what you want and deal with the why of what you <strong><u>can</u></strong> have and be okay with that because up to this point? You are NOT. Otherwise you would not still be trying to figure things out on your own. You need a professional to help you with this plain and simple. No shame in that. Actually I think it is probably the best thing you could ever do for yourself. </p><p> </p><p>My therapist told me that everything we see, hear, touch, smell - is stored chemically in our brains like a huge warehouse. When I went through therapy - I did regular and EMDR. Part of my therapy was to walk through my mental storage warehouse and 'shred' junk I no longer needed to make room for good memories. Sounds easy - but it isn't. You have to work with a therapist to know what to toss and what to keep. For me I'm highly organized so part of my homework? Go home do the relaxation exercises and shred! I loved it. EMDR was a blast. When I was done I could hear an echo in my warehouse. Lots of bad memories forever changed. </p><p> </p><p>I hope something in here helps - You need to get this done.....and it takes time - but you do have the rest of your life to get happy!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 409053, member: 4964"] Susie* I sat and thought about this for a while. Mostly because I care about you, and wanted to come back with some sound advice, as if we were chatting over coffee or something - And I did read it all, every line. And I have read about your family almost every time you've posted, or at least every time I'm here. The one thing that I see over and over is - you aren't ready to let go of your past, and it's affecting your present in a lot of ways that aren't healthy for you. Just like you are starting to realize, but it's really hard to try to go back 30+ years on your own, and then you are only getting ONE side or one view, and then what? What do you do with the emotions you dig up? There just kinda hanging there in limbo and now not only do you have today's junk today with - now you've dug up all that 30 year old junk and you have it hanging around nagging you and you have NO CLUE what to do with it - and it's clogging the system (so to speak). To me it's obvious you have a lot of unresolved issues from your childhood, that are spilling into your present and it is frustrating you to the point that you are obsessing about it. I know you love your parents (even as one sided as they seem) Again just my opinion, but the things that you are craving from your Mom and Dad? Aren't going to just jump out there and present themselves to you. I think it's possible that you could have the approval that you seek from them and the respect that you want - but I think all this past junk clunks it up for them and you. I think for a lot of us, we don't even realize that sometimes we do carry past junk into the present NOR are we willing to admit it. Are you carrying grudges? I dunno. I know I did about a LOT of stuff. Who doesn't? You'd have to be a Saint not to. One time I got accused of cutting the bottom off of all the show-dog toys and grounded for a month. OMG I was so mad. I just KNEW my sister had done it. I mean I didn't do it. So for YEARS and I mean up until like 3 years ago - I carried this grudge. Dumb, but still. I knew I got blamed for something I didn't do - and that wasn't the only thing- being the oldest you get blamed for a LOT. Well guess who finally confessed to doing it? In a million years - you'll never guess. My Mom said Pop did it. He was trying to cut the raggedy ends off and took it too far and sliced the ends on accident - when Mom found them I got blamed - and Dad never found out till years later because what Mom said went. OMG what a dumb grudge to carry huh? So then I started asking about a lot of other stuff and well there weren't many confessions but I got a lot of junk unloaded. It was good - Good to know in my Mothers eyes that my sister wasn't perfect - so yeah - I see where you are coming from with that. in my humble opinion until you deal with your past- and that to me after reading your posts - is YOUR perceptions of your parents opinions of you, your perceptions of your parents, your brothers opinion of you, and your perceptions of him - I don't think you will EVER get the thing you desperately seek. What is it you seek? I don't know - you have to figure that out yourself. Reason i say this is because when I went through therapy the thing I wanted most was self-esteem. Without it - I couldn't get anything from anyone else. No one will give you respect when you don't respect yourself. I had this confused with self-confidence. Oh yes - I could do anything..that's self confidence - but I had zero self-esteem. I had allowed everyone to beat that out of me for years. I had distanced myself from everyone and I was nice on the surface but what a volcano under the shirt. I had no idea why I was so angry all the time, an why it was EVERYONE ELSE that I was pointing at. Once I started in therapy? I didn't have time to worry about everyone elses faults. OMG i had so many of my own to deal with - I didn't have time to fix anything else. When I saw what I needed to fix in ME? And fixed it? I started to like me - and felt a little bit of pity for the people that I used to point at. Eventually a lot of pity. It was like - I get it ---and they stayed petty. When you truly go through years of therapy and work on YOU? You dont have time to worry about your brothers short comings. You won't worry about his past - or why he did this 20 years ago, or 30 years ago. Honestly? You'll just sit back and have this peace - real inner peace most days and it will give you the ability to look at your brother and his problems and you will start saying things to your parents like "I'm sorry for Johnny and his problems today, but I'm not buying into his routine of engaging our family in an argument over silly trifling things." My sister is a perfect example of this - CONSTANTLY trying to engage people in arguments. Constantly trying to find someone's trigger. Usually with me - it wasn't hard. I was a cannon - and had a short fuse and I think now how much entertainment (cheaply) I must have provided for her over the years. How much sick enjoyment she mush have gotten watching me blow up, burst out of the doors, or peel out of Moms driveway, or yell or argue, or throw things across the yard, and then sit there like the little innocent. I think even thinking about it - makes that vein in my right temple swell up -lol. But fact is - eventually I found peace and the last time she tried it? I just sat there - and texted things back like - I'm sorry you feel that way - hope you feel better. You're welcome, have a great night. And this ended up in us not talking for months - until her accident - and guess who was right there? Me. amazing huh? It was no small secret to see the look of shock on all her "friends" faces as I sat there day after day in her hospital room and as they came in - introduced myself as her sister. (it was priceless -) they'd look at me, then her, then me - and I thought - Ohhhhhhhhh yeah....expecting horns and a tail? OH not expecting me at all? Wow.....(ahem) I think perhaps since this thing with your brother and family.....IS bothering [B][U][I]still[/I][/U][/B]? And you have said to us over and over "I'm not bothering with him" and then are still thinking about it - you are OBVIOUSLY not going to let it go. SO my advice would be - don't. BUT - DO go talk to someone about it - because my underlying thought is - FAMILY NO MATTER is VERY important to you. AND out on a limb here really - but no matter what your posts say - I would guess that it would mean the world to you to have a brother. So IF your brother can't be well - and you can't have a relationship with him - and if that is not a reality - then your best next bet would be to get to a therapist that can help you put the past behind you, AND HELP YOU lay this relationship to rest or help you know why it is NOT you that can't have what you want and deal with the why of what you [B][U]can[/U][/B] have and be okay with that because up to this point? You are NOT. Otherwise you would not still be trying to figure things out on your own. You need a professional to help you with this plain and simple. No shame in that. Actually I think it is probably the best thing you could ever do for yourself. My therapist told me that everything we see, hear, touch, smell - is stored chemically in our brains like a huge warehouse. When I went through therapy - I did regular and EMDR. Part of my therapy was to walk through my mental storage warehouse and 'shred' junk I no longer needed to make room for good memories. Sounds easy - but it isn't. You have to work with a therapist to know what to toss and what to keep. For me I'm highly organized so part of my homework? Go home do the relaxation exercises and shred! I loved it. EMDR was a blast. When I was done I could hear an echo in my warehouse. Lots of bad memories forever changed. I hope something in here helps - You need to get this done.....and it takes time - but you do have the rest of your life to get happy! [/QUOTE]
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Had a Revelation Last Night (long, thanks for reading if you can)
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