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General Parenting
Had it with the way Hubby treats difficult child!!!!!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 107707" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi - we've never spoken, I'm glad you found us! </p><p></p><p>First and foremost - Hugs - your whole family sounds like it could use one. </p><p></p><p>Next - What is it that you would like to see happen in your house? </p><p>Do you want to have a relationship any longer with DF? Or do you think after so many years of trying you feel you already know the outcome of continued trying with outside help? </p><p></p><p>If you answered either - then from what I see in your posts and hear in the tone of your letters - It's time to make a move for you and difficult child. That doesn't start with just packing a bag and pointing out every mistake you feel DF has. Believe it or not it involves YOU going to therapy and finding out what YOU can do for yourself. Whether that is learning how to communicate effectively with your son and your husband, or learning to draw a line in what behaviors you will and won't tolerate from others - regardless if you live with them, work with them or just know them as casual friends. </p><p></p><p>The reasons I'm telling you this aren't as 'finger pointing' (at you) as you may think. You are more than obviously overworked, over tired and feel under appreciated. In a marriage home those feelings are a recipe for disaster. When you add in difficult child and his behaviors, and DF's seemingly or apparent unwillingness to bend - why WOULD anyone in your house be happy? What do you have to be happy about? You, DF and difficult child - all <u>not</u> happy. So you have a house full of unhappy people, not communicating, and getting worse day by day. No way for successful things to happen.</p><p></p><p>You've already said DF will not go to therapy. Why can't you? Why can't you start going and see what it is that YOU could change about you - (nope not saying you are wrong - or right) just saying something and someone has to change and if you know it isn't going to be DF - the it HAS to be you. When you learn to love yourself, and find out that you are incredible, that you are to be cherished - appreciated, loved - you start seeing what you will and won't tolerate in your life. If you don't value yourself - how can you expect anyone else to do the same? </p><p></p><p>I had GREAT self-confidence, I had NO self-esteem. You have that combination - I didn't want to continue my relationship but the last step I gave my marriage was to take myself to counseling to see IF INDEED it was really ME (as I was told 100 times a day by x). What I found out was that I did NOT deserve to be treated like an inanimate object, I wasn't supposed to be a cook or a maid. The husband WAS supposed to be faithful, help with the children, and above all protect and keep me from harm - NOT treat me like the abused hired help. AND what I was supposed to do = was be a good wife, and SHARE in the responsibilities of raising our child, be happy, love him back and if all that was in place? The rest just isn't such a struggle. </p><p></p><p>I'm not talking about money or finances, owning big houses or fancy cars - I'm talking about knowing when you lay your head down at night - that there is someone beside you that has the same goals, dreams and cherishes you regardless if you put on weight, get sick, have a bad day (or twelve) - WE ALL deserve that. </p><p></p><p>And if you aren't getting THAT - you need to find out why. And if you can't get DF to go to therapy - then YOU GO. Take your son, learn from the therapist HOW to communicate with them both and once you have done that if you still get no reply - you won't have to ask us what to do - you'll <strong>know</strong> what you need to do. Somewhere along the way - you'll learn not to pick the same types of men you had in the past and why. Finding out ALL about me in therapy made this crystal. Rather someone will pick YOU because you have it together, and you are so full of energy and love and caring - about yourself - THAT person will want to continue the same for you. And you for him. </p><p></p><p>It all starts with Y-O-U - really it does, at this point you can't depend on anyone else to make a move - so YOU go for it. You won't regret it. </p><p></p><p>BIG hugs - for you, because YOU deserve the best. You just need to believe. </p><p></p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 107707, member: 4964"] Hi - we've never spoken, I'm glad you found us! First and foremost - Hugs - your whole family sounds like it could use one. Next - What is it that you would like to see happen in your house? Do you want to have a relationship any longer with DF? Or do you think after so many years of trying you feel you already know the outcome of continued trying with outside help? If you answered either - then from what I see in your posts and hear in the tone of your letters - It's time to make a move for you and difficult child. That doesn't start with just packing a bag and pointing out every mistake you feel DF has. Believe it or not it involves YOU going to therapy and finding out what YOU can do for yourself. Whether that is learning how to communicate effectively with your son and your husband, or learning to draw a line in what behaviors you will and won't tolerate from others - regardless if you live with them, work with them or just know them as casual friends. The reasons I'm telling you this aren't as 'finger pointing' (at you) as you may think. You are more than obviously overworked, over tired and feel under appreciated. In a marriage home those feelings are a recipe for disaster. When you add in difficult child and his behaviors, and DF's seemingly or apparent unwillingness to bend - why WOULD anyone in your house be happy? What do you have to be happy about? You, DF and difficult child - all <u>not</u> happy. So you have a house full of unhappy people, not communicating, and getting worse day by day. No way for successful things to happen. You've already said DF will not go to therapy. Why can't you? Why can't you start going and see what it is that YOU could change about you - (nope not saying you are wrong - or right) just saying something and someone has to change and if you know it isn't going to be DF - the it HAS to be you. When you learn to love yourself, and find out that you are incredible, that you are to be cherished - appreciated, loved - you start seeing what you will and won't tolerate in your life. If you don't value yourself - how can you expect anyone else to do the same? I had GREAT self-confidence, I had NO self-esteem. You have that combination - I didn't want to continue my relationship but the last step I gave my marriage was to take myself to counseling to see IF INDEED it was really ME (as I was told 100 times a day by x). What I found out was that I did NOT deserve to be treated like an inanimate object, I wasn't supposed to be a cook or a maid. The husband WAS supposed to be faithful, help with the children, and above all protect and keep me from harm - NOT treat me like the abused hired help. AND what I was supposed to do = was be a good wife, and SHARE in the responsibilities of raising our child, be happy, love him back and if all that was in place? The rest just isn't such a struggle. I'm not talking about money or finances, owning big houses or fancy cars - I'm talking about knowing when you lay your head down at night - that there is someone beside you that has the same goals, dreams and cherishes you regardless if you put on weight, get sick, have a bad day (or twelve) - WE ALL deserve that. And if you aren't getting THAT - you need to find out why. And if you can't get DF to go to therapy - then YOU GO. Take your son, learn from the therapist HOW to communicate with them both and once you have done that if you still get no reply - you won't have to ask us what to do - you'll [b]know[/b] what you need to do. Somewhere along the way - you'll learn not to pick the same types of men you had in the past and why. Finding out ALL about me in therapy made this crystal. Rather someone will pick YOU because you have it together, and you are so full of energy and love and caring - about yourself - THAT person will want to continue the same for you. And you for him. It all starts with Y-O-U - really it does, at this point you can't depend on anyone else to make a move - so YOU go for it. You won't regret it. BIG hugs - for you, because YOU deserve the best. You just need to believe. Star [/QUOTE]
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Had it with the way Hubby treats difficult child!!!!!!!
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