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Had it with the way Hubby treats difficult child!!!!!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 107732" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p>{{hugs}} It's really difficult to raise a difficult child when both parents aren't on the same page - and most of the time they aren't. </p><p></p><p>My H is stepdad to my daughters. He's a wonderful father to them in so many ways. When they were little, he helped with homework, ran errands with them, helped them learn how to ride bikes, play games, etc. Part of the reason I fell in love with him was because he was so loving and tender with my daughters. Knowing that their bio-dad would have limited interaction with my girls, I understood that no matter who I found as my spouse or partner, it would have to be someone who accepted my daughters as an extension of me and *hopefully* as their own; someone who was ready to be a dad to them. H is all those things. I told him that from the get go and he's never wavered.</p><p></p><p>Does that mean he's been a perfect partner in raising difficult child? Not at all! In fact, everything you've described could have been written by me. We'd have that 'look' between us when he would reprimand difficult child for something that I thought she couldn't help or was minor. We'd argue - in fact, I always made a concerted effort to wait until difficult child was not in the room to let H know I thought he was wrong or suggest a better way to handle a situation. It didn't matter. Everytime I disagreed with H would be cause for him to blame me for something or make me feel like I was babying difficult child too much, etc. It was ugly. At times it still is. Essentially, I was trying to get my H to see difficult child through MY eyes and that's not possible. I tried to see difficult child through HIS eyes and that was also impossible for me because our relationship with her is different, Know what I mean?? </p><p></p><p>Now I'm not saying it's all good now, finally, but it is a little better. When my difficult child was 13, 14, 15, she made some awful impulsive choices that landed her in a heap of trouble, she was sexually assaulted and taking care of that legal mess lasted a year (in fact, I am going to a probation hearing next month for the predator and difficult child is going to speak at the hearing so it's not really over yeat!). These events illuminated for H that difficult child wasn't just being a baby or stubborn or lazy or careless, or stupid. A set of events/incidents helped him to understand that she simply doesn't think like him or me or her sister or other people. He took some time and reflected on the fact that over the course of her life, she'd had other difficulties. </p><p></p><p>Also, I told him if he didn't come with me to counseling, I would leave him. And since I'd done it before (with difficult child/easy child's dad) he knew I wouldn't threaten it if I didn't mean it. I never EVER told him that my kids came first because I don't think it's that simple. For the most part, our spouses come first, in my opinion. However, under certain circumstances, like you descibe, I think that we have to put our children first. </p><p></p><p>Your H's attitude and words are damaging to your son. And they undermine your position in helping your son. They chip away at his self esteem, as well as yours. His demeaning words and attitude force you to question your motives and responses to difficult child at ever turn. Each and every family situation takes on a new level of emotional anxiety because all three of you are wondering how it will turn out. I can recall so many dinners where neither difficult child or I ate a thing because difficult child would take her sweet old time getting to the table and then H would sit there and lecture her about how hard I worked to cook a meal and she should have the decency to get to the table ASAP when called! To me, that was a Basket C issue compared to all the other <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> we had to deal with, you know? Anyway, it would ruin my appetite and difficult child would usually end up in her room crying. And that left easy child and H at the table eating silently, I'm sure with a knot in their stomachs.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, I think you should continue to ask H to read up on your difficult child's symptoms/diagnosis. I used to leave some books around, in the bathroom, the kitchen table, for H to see. Sometimes he would pick it up, other times he'd push it out of his way. Then I printed stuff off the internet and left it on the table so he'd see it. And if your H won't go to couneling, then go without him. You can sometimes share some of the things you talked about in session - even if he acts like he's not listening. Also, have difficult child go to counseling since he's likely picking up on the fact that you are arguing over him. He needs to see that he will not be allowed to manipulate that situation to his advantage. H and you, despite your differing views, should remain a team in his eyes, Know what I mean?? </p><p></p><p>And if all else fails, do leave and go stay with your mom until he agrees to go to counseling with you. But only threaten it if you're fully prepared to do it. Ask yourself, will we be better off with or without H in our lives if everything remains the same? Ask yourself why you fell in love with H, why did he adopt your son? If you can find a way to talk about those earlier decisions maybe you can draw on them to help you through this.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and best of luck~</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 107732, member: 2211"] {{hugs}} It's really difficult to raise a difficult child when both parents aren't on the same page - and most of the time they aren't. My H is stepdad to my daughters. He's a wonderful father to them in so many ways. When they were little, he helped with homework, ran errands with them, helped them learn how to ride bikes, play games, etc. Part of the reason I fell in love with him was because he was so loving and tender with my daughters. Knowing that their bio-dad would have limited interaction with my girls, I understood that no matter who I found as my spouse or partner, it would have to be someone who accepted my daughters as an extension of me and *hopefully* as their own; someone who was ready to be a dad to them. H is all those things. I told him that from the get go and he's never wavered. Does that mean he's been a perfect partner in raising difficult child? Not at all! In fact, everything you've described could have been written by me. We'd have that 'look' between us when he would reprimand difficult child for something that I thought she couldn't help or was minor. We'd argue - in fact, I always made a concerted effort to wait until difficult child was not in the room to let H know I thought he was wrong or suggest a better way to handle a situation. It didn't matter. Everytime I disagreed with H would be cause for him to blame me for something or make me feel like I was babying difficult child too much, etc. It was ugly. At times it still is. Essentially, I was trying to get my H to see difficult child through MY eyes and that's not possible. I tried to see difficult child through HIS eyes and that was also impossible for me because our relationship with her is different, Know what I mean?? Now I'm not saying it's all good now, finally, but it is a little better. When my difficult child was 13, 14, 15, she made some awful impulsive choices that landed her in a heap of trouble, she was sexually assaulted and taking care of that legal mess lasted a year (in fact, I am going to a probation hearing next month for the predator and difficult child is going to speak at the hearing so it's not really over yeat!). These events illuminated for H that difficult child wasn't just being a baby or stubborn or lazy or careless, or stupid. A set of events/incidents helped him to understand that she simply doesn't think like him or me or her sister or other people. He took some time and reflected on the fact that over the course of her life, she'd had other difficulties. Also, I told him if he didn't come with me to counseling, I would leave him. And since I'd done it before (with difficult child/easy child's dad) he knew I wouldn't threaten it if I didn't mean it. I never EVER told him that my kids came first because I don't think it's that simple. For the most part, our spouses come first, in my opinion. However, under certain circumstances, like you descibe, I think that we have to put our children first. Your H's attitude and words are damaging to your son. And they undermine your position in helping your son. They chip away at his self esteem, as well as yours. His demeaning words and attitude force you to question your motives and responses to difficult child at ever turn. Each and every family situation takes on a new level of emotional anxiety because all three of you are wondering how it will turn out. I can recall so many dinners where neither difficult child or I ate a thing because difficult child would take her sweet old time getting to the table and then H would sit there and lecture her about how hard I worked to cook a meal and she should have the decency to get to the table ASAP when called! To me, that was a Basket C issue compared to all the other :censored: we had to deal with, you know? Anyway, it would ruin my appetite and difficult child would usually end up in her room crying. And that left easy child and H at the table eating silently, I'm sure with a knot in their stomachs. Anyway, I think you should continue to ask H to read up on your difficult child's symptoms/diagnosis. I used to leave some books around, in the bathroom, the kitchen table, for H to see. Sometimes he would pick it up, other times he'd push it out of his way. Then I printed stuff off the internet and left it on the table so he'd see it. And if your H won't go to couneling, then go without him. You can sometimes share some of the things you talked about in session - even if he acts like he's not listening. Also, have difficult child go to counseling since he's likely picking up on the fact that you are arguing over him. He needs to see that he will not be allowed to manipulate that situation to his advantage. H and you, despite your differing views, should remain a team in his eyes, Know what I mean?? And if all else fails, do leave and go stay with your mom until he agrees to go to counseling with you. But only threaten it if you're fully prepared to do it. Ask yourself, will we be better off with or without H in our lives if everything remains the same? Ask yourself why you fell in love with H, why did he adopt your son? If you can find a way to talk about those earlier decisions maybe you can draw on them to help you through this. Hugs and best of luck~ [/QUOTE]
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Had it with the way Hubby treats difficult child!!!!!!!
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