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Hate...what is it?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 668126" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think your sister blames you Copa, because to your sister...you are not Copa. You are pseudo mom. (I loved the imagery of the Universal remote. How true is that!?!)</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I think the sisters are conflicted about everything to do with us, Copa. Whether you responded or did not, whether you attended or did not, whether you sent a gift or did not, the situation that exists between ourselves and our sisters today would be the same. I think we did not create this. I think we cannot change it. We had done some reading earlier regarding the dysfunctional mother's determination to prevent the sibs' coming together. That plays its part here, but I think that for our sisters, the feelings rightly belonging to the abusive mother have been funneled instead onto pseudo mom. That, I think, is how the sisters resolve their rage and abandonment issues. By assigning us the forever role of despised, and despicable, pseudo mom. To me, your arrival as your mother entered her final illness shocked your sister into a state of cognitive dissonance having to do with mom / pseudo mom and that's why she stormed off. </p><p></p><p>Nothing to do with you.</p><p></p><p>How sad, for us.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, people who have never had sisters seem to do very well in the world. Probably, it is better not to have a sister than to have one who hates us. </p><p></p><p>Like everything to do with our dysfunctional families, it just is what it is.</p><p></p><p>And it is better to know.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And out of those camps came Elie Wiesel, Etty Hilesum, Viktor Frankl. In part, they came through it intact because they were able to assign meaning to what they had lived, through their writing. As we are doing here, they were able to learn and to share something about what it is to be wonderfully human despite having been dehumanized.</p><p></p><p>The Nazis, on the other hand, were discredited.</p><p></p><p>Eventually.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think the sisters were neither afraid in the way we were Copa, nor alone in the way we were. They did not grow up like we did, Copa and Serenity. They had us. For better or worse, they had an older sister. They do not carry the trust issues or the senses of isolation we do. They have not been shunned, nor have they been shunned in place, <em>because</em> they had us. Whatever the abusive mother was doing, there was always, for all of their lives, someone for them to turn to <em>and to turn against</em>, unifying them with the dysfunctional mother.</p><p></p><p>What a circle (insert euphemism of choice).</p><p></p><p>I am coming to believe that what the sisters do carry is angry, spiteful resentment. For them, we are pseudo mom for life. It is less that there has been nothing between our sisters and ourselves than it is that, hidden beneath a thin veneer of disrespectful entitlement, they have disparaged and resented and ridiculed us, have kept us firmly ensconced in the role of freaking pseudo mom, because it services their concepts of self and other to do so.</p><p></p><p>Which sucks, a little. </p><p></p><p>I think we cannot change those currents which have served our sisters so well.</p><p></p><p>Nor, now that we get it, do we have to. There is nothing we have to do, and I think there is nothing we can do that we haven't already done. Our sisters will forever feel displaced by us, overshadowed by us, resentful of us. We are a role to them. If that wasn't working for them, they would behave differently.</p><p></p><p>It must be working for them, then. </p><p></p><p>As we come through this, those energies so long devoted to our families of origin will be our own.</p><p></p><p>I feel a leveling grief about it. For a time, I felt devalued and alone and just kind of stupid. This morning, for once, I woke up thinking about something besides my mother or my sister or any of that.</p><p></p><p>I will always be sad about it, probably. I am proud and happy for myself that I held that intention of family for all of us. I think there was nothing more I could have done. As we went through this portion of our healing here, I realized ~ pretty recently, actually ~ that sense of disrespectful entitlement my family of origin seems to feel for me has always been there. That is why they can shun, why they can tell themselves whatever they like and believe it.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that something.</p><p></p><p>It will be good to be free of them.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 668126, member: 17461"] I think your sister blames you Copa, because to your sister...you are not Copa. You are pseudo mom. (I loved the imagery of the Universal remote. How true is that!?!) :O) I think the sisters are conflicted about everything to do with us, Copa. Whether you responded or did not, whether you attended or did not, whether you sent a gift or did not, the situation that exists between ourselves and our sisters today would be the same. I think we did not create this. I think we cannot change it. We had done some reading earlier regarding the dysfunctional mother's determination to prevent the sibs' coming together. That plays its part here, but I think that for our sisters, the feelings rightly belonging to the abusive mother have been funneled instead onto pseudo mom. That, I think, is how the sisters resolve their rage and abandonment issues. By assigning us the forever role of despised, and despicable, pseudo mom. To me, your arrival as your mother entered her final illness shocked your sister into a state of cognitive dissonance having to do with mom / pseudo mom and that's why she stormed off. Nothing to do with you. How sad, for us. On the other hand, people who have never had sisters seem to do very well in the world. Probably, it is better not to have a sister than to have one who hates us. Like everything to do with our dysfunctional families, it just is what it is. And it is better to know. And out of those camps came Elie Wiesel, Etty Hilesum, Viktor Frankl. In part, they came through it intact because they were able to assign meaning to what they had lived, through their writing. As we are doing here, they were able to learn and to share something about what it is to be wonderfully human despite having been dehumanized. The Nazis, on the other hand, were discredited. Eventually. I think the sisters were neither afraid in the way we were Copa, nor alone in the way we were. They did not grow up like we did, Copa and Serenity. They had us. For better or worse, they had an older sister. They do not carry the trust issues or the senses of isolation we do. They have not been shunned, nor have they been shunned in place, [I]because[/I] they had us. Whatever the abusive mother was doing, there was always, for all of their lives, someone for them to turn to [I]and to turn against[/I], unifying them with the dysfunctional mother. What a circle (insert euphemism of choice). I am coming to believe that what the sisters do carry is angry, spiteful resentment. For them, we are pseudo mom for life. It is less that there has been nothing between our sisters and ourselves than it is that, hidden beneath a thin veneer of disrespectful entitlement, they have disparaged and resented and ridiculed us, have kept us firmly ensconced in the role of freaking pseudo mom, because it services their concepts of self and other to do so. Which sucks, a little. I think we cannot change those currents which have served our sisters so well. Nor, now that we get it, do we have to. There is nothing we have to do, and I think there is nothing we can do that we haven't already done. Our sisters will forever feel displaced by us, overshadowed by us, resentful of us. We are a role to them. If that wasn't working for them, they would behave differently. It must be working for them, then. As we come through this, those energies so long devoted to our families of origin will be our own. I feel a leveling grief about it. For a time, I felt devalued and alone and just kind of stupid. This morning, for once, I woke up thinking about something besides my mother or my sister or any of that. I will always be sad about it, probably. I am proud and happy for myself that I held that intention of family for all of us. I think there was nothing more I could have done. As we went through this portion of our healing here, I realized ~ pretty recently, actually ~ that sense of disrespectful entitlement my family of origin seems to feel for me has always been there. That is why they can shun, why they can tell themselves whatever they like and believe it. Isn't that something. It will be good to be free of them. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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