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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 668134" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>To me Copa, part of the pseudo mom role is to carry every negativity in the sister's relationship to the mother. Every negativity. That includes jealousy over the mother's preference of us. The sisters have the luxury, as we do not, of believing that if <em>we</em> did not exist, the mother would have the perfect child in them (instead of in us). The mother would then be happy. She would never treat the sister badly. Mother would be perfect, and sister would be the perfect child. If we had not felt the need to protect, we may have elected to see them as they see us. A neat little package with no loose ends, enabling the sisters not only to blame us for the mother's behaviors, and for the unacceptable feelings they harbor about the mother because of her behaviors (not to mention their unacceptable feelings for us), but to escape the damning guilt, the sense of responsibility and the need to control we learned to feel <em>as a result of</em> the mother's behaviors.</p><p></p><p>We blame ourselves, when the abusive mother is on the loose; we build toxic shame into our core identities, for the sake of protecting the mother from our senses of rage, for the sake of some illusory control and etc, at the dysfunctional mother's behaviors. </p><p></p><p><em>So do our sisters blame us, and focus those feelings onto us too, Copa.</em></p><p></p><p><em>Not themselves.</em></p><p></p><p><em>They do not have that core of toxic shame.</em></p><p> <em></em></p><p>For our sisters Copa and Serenity, those horrific feelings were focused outward, onto us, instead of inward, into the creation of a toxically shamed core self. Already carrying the sister's unacceptable negative feelings toward the abusive mother, it may be that we were and are convenient receptacles for all negative feelings. That is the role we play in their lives. It works out pretty handily for them. They are perfect, in their internal realities, in a way we are not <em>because in their minds we are the ones carrying responsibility for what happened to all of us</em>. That is why they can lie with impunity to and about us. We have always functioned as the receptacle for their unpleasant feelings. They will do whatever it takes to keep that dynamic live and virulently glowing.</p><p></p><p>I think there is nothing we can do about that. </p><p></p><p>It services the sisters too well.</p><p></p><p>Like the story about the starving, battered child in the dungeon at the center of the perfect town, the way they see us enables them to live in the light, to have self respect. To demand it of others, whereas we (I do) people please to beat the band. What is that family dinner I am always posting about if not people pleasing? How is it I do not have an internal belief system about me, for once?</p><p></p><p>How is it you feel guilty because you were not there, and believe that may be fueling your sister's response to you now? </p><p></p><p>That is the nature of our enslavement to the family of origin dynamic.</p><p></p><p>Our mothers were very proud of us indeed. We are attractive; we are bright and well spoken; we have done very well for ourselves. We have come through every challenge in spite of our upbringings. </p><p></p><p>And we're carrying the way our sisters feel about that for them, too.</p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 668134, member: 17461"] To me Copa, part of the pseudo mom role is to carry every negativity in the sister's relationship to the mother. Every negativity. That includes jealousy over the mother's preference of us. The sisters have the luxury, as we do not, of believing that if [I]we[/I] did not exist, the mother would have the perfect child in them (instead of in us). The mother would then be happy. She would never treat the sister badly. Mother would be perfect, and sister would be the perfect child. If we had not felt the need to protect, we may have elected to see them as they see us. A neat little package with no loose ends, enabling the sisters not only to blame us for the mother's behaviors, and for the unacceptable feelings they harbor about the mother because of her behaviors (not to mention their unacceptable feelings for us), but to escape the damning guilt, the sense of responsibility and the need to control we learned to feel [I]as a result of[/I] the mother's behaviors. We blame ourselves, when the abusive mother is on the loose; we build toxic shame into our core identities, for the sake of protecting the mother from our senses of rage, for the sake of some illusory control and etc, at the dysfunctional mother's behaviors. [I]So do our sisters blame us, and focus those feelings onto us too, Copa.[/I] [I]Not themselves.[/I] [I]They do not have that core of toxic shame. [/I] For our sisters Copa and Serenity, those horrific feelings were focused outward, onto us, instead of inward, into the creation of a toxically shamed core self. Already carrying the sister's unacceptable negative feelings toward the abusive mother, it may be that we were and are convenient receptacles for all negative feelings. That is the role we play in their lives. It works out pretty handily for them. They are perfect, in their internal realities, in a way we are not [I]because in their minds we are the ones carrying responsibility for what happened to all of us[/I]. That is why they can lie with impunity to and about us. We have always functioned as the receptacle for their unpleasant feelings. They will do whatever it takes to keep that dynamic live and virulently glowing. I think there is nothing we can do about that. It services the sisters too well. Like the story about the starving, battered child in the dungeon at the center of the perfect town, the way they see us enables them to live in the light, to have self respect. To demand it of others, whereas we (I do) people please to beat the band. What is that family dinner I am always posting about if not people pleasing? How is it I do not have an internal belief system about me, for once? How is it you feel guilty because you were not there, and believe that may be fueling your sister's response to you now? That is the nature of our enslavement to the family of origin dynamic. Our mothers were very proud of us indeed. We are attractive; we are bright and well spoken; we have done very well for ourselves. We have come through every challenge in spite of our upbringings. And we're carrying the way our sisters feel about that for them, too. roar Cedar [/QUOTE]
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