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Hate...what is it?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 668135" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>So, there was not necessarily idealization of the person, the mother, but the idea of it. When my sister would fight with and disparage my mother, who in the real world did not live up to the ideal, my sister would be responding with entitlement and control and rage that would leak through her defenses. </p><p></p><p>See, this is what I am trying to understand: There is no way my sister believed she was living happily ever after with my mother in the magical forest with me out of the way. </p><p></p><p>But what we are talking about here is a sort of magic or fantasy. My sister had a magical belief that everything had gone wrong <em>because of me</em>. Even if there was conflictual and unacceptable reality staring her in the face with my real mother, who my sister would treat badly, like she did almost everybody else...somewhere inside her she believed I was responsible. <em>That my mother would love her the way she needed</em>, if I had not wrecked everything. Even if she had not seen me for years. I was responsible. And had I not existed and wrecked everything, and withheld love and a magical power or piece from her (I am still confused about this)... <em>and existed </em>it would all have been good.</p><p></p><p>It is like the Garden of Eden. I wrecked it. She was able to sustain this fantasy of good and plenty and perfection because I was there to siphon off the reality of all the bad. And then, at the end, whenever I existed in reality as a real person, and did not conform to her idea of my role and function....she wished me dead. </p><p></p><p>I think, too, there was always the wish that I would exist in real life...the way I served her as an introject. At her service. Always there with love. To clean up messes. In her mind, that is my real role. Like I was as a little girl. A loving servant.</p><p></p><p>Is the magical piece and power, the complete love of the mother or is it something in me that I have that she wants (my love, or some attribute, like a self)? With my self-esteem so battered recently I would like to believe I do have some thing she still covets. I mean, we have to get something out of the deal. Or is it a self?</p><p></p><p>I am interested in how she is now. I mean how is she dealing with herself and her life. I am still attached to an outcome. I know the prize for us, is to understand and to separate. But I want a prize, too.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 668135, member: 18958"] So, there was not necessarily idealization of the person, the mother, but the idea of it. When my sister would fight with and disparage my mother, who in the real world did not live up to the ideal, my sister would be responding with entitlement and control and rage that would leak through her defenses. See, this is what I am trying to understand: There is no way my sister believed she was living happily ever after with my mother in the magical forest with me out of the way. But what we are talking about here is a sort of magic or fantasy. My sister had a magical belief that everything had gone wrong [I]because of me[/I]. Even if there was conflictual and unacceptable reality staring her in the face with my real mother, who my sister would treat badly, like she did almost everybody else...somewhere inside her she believed I was responsible. [I]That my mother would love her the way she needed[/I], if I had not wrecked everything. Even if she had not seen me for years. I was responsible. And had I not existed and wrecked everything, and withheld love and a magical power or piece from her (I am still confused about this)... [I]and existed [/I]it would all have been good. It is like the Garden of Eden. I wrecked it. She was able to sustain this fantasy of good and plenty and perfection because I was there to siphon off the reality of all the bad. And then, at the end, whenever I existed in reality as a real person, and did not conform to her idea of my role and function....she wished me dead. I think, too, there was always the wish that I would exist in real life...the way I served her as an introject. At her service. Always there with love. To clean up messes. In her mind, that is my real role. Like I was as a little girl. A loving servant. Is the magical piece and power, the complete love of the mother or is it something in me that I have that she wants (my love, or some attribute, like a self)? With my self-esteem so battered recently I would like to believe I do have some thing she still covets. I mean, we have to get something out of the deal. Or is it a self? I am interested in how she is now. I mean how is she dealing with herself and her life. I am still attached to an outcome. I know the prize for us, is to understand and to separate. But I want a prize, too. COPA [/QUOTE]
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