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Have a feeling of impending doom
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 664155" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think this is the heart of it.</p><p></p><p>I think moving away emotionally, (and perhaps physically) helps the child contain and manage their emotions, and therefore their decisions and behavior.</p><p></p><p>As we have poor boundaries with our adult children, they, too, have poor boundaries with us.</p><p></p><p>Their self-hatred floods over onto us. Their anger at themselves, too. The lack of discipline and ambivalence they feel, too, gets projected out.</p><p></p><p>As long as all of these feelings, feel to them, to be in us, or of us...they feel they either cannot or need not manage them.</p><p></p><p>They blame us for us.</p><p></p><p>If we move away, it all becomes clearer. They may come to see the problem as theirs to solve, as having the elements in them to solve it.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking of that call I got yesterday from my son. That that day he would go and handle his blood work.</p><p></p><p>That was what he told me the day he left, in the dance about the train ticket. "I can go get my blood work when I arrive in the BIG CITY."</p><p></p><p>That enrages me. How many times does he need to play out his "blood work" with me? I inserted myself there. Who do I have to look to for responsibility for the dynamic?</p><p></p><p>I do not have the luxury of responding to anything. If I do I I put myself back into the game. Back into his head. His head is flooded with confusion and with negative feelings. If I get back into his head, I get tarred with the same brush.</p><p></p><p>The only way I can be respected by him, is to stay out of it a hundred per cent. And restrict my comments to only the most important. To establish and state my moral authority.</p><p></p><p>No mothering. No feelings. No vacillating. No blame.</p><p></p><p>In this way potentially my son can begin to respect me, if I stay out of his stuff.</p><p></p><p>If he can respect me he has a chance to sort his stuff and begin to respect himself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 664155, member: 18958"] I think this is the heart of it. I think moving away emotionally, (and perhaps physically) helps the child contain and manage their emotions, and therefore their decisions and behavior. As we have poor boundaries with our adult children, they, too, have poor boundaries with us. Their self-hatred floods over onto us. Their anger at themselves, too. The lack of discipline and ambivalence they feel, too, gets projected out. As long as all of these feelings, feel to them, to be in us, or of us...they feel they either cannot or need not manage them. They blame us for us. If we move away, it all becomes clearer. They may come to see the problem as theirs to solve, as having the elements in them to solve it. I am thinking of that call I got yesterday from my son. That that day he would go and handle his blood work. That was what he told me the day he left, in the dance about the train ticket. "I can go get my blood work when I arrive in the BIG CITY." That enrages me. How many times does he need to play out his "blood work" with me? I inserted myself there. Who do I have to look to for responsibility for the dynamic? I do not have the luxury of responding to anything. If I do I I put myself back into the game. Back into his head. His head is flooded with confusion and with negative feelings. If I get back into his head, I get tarred with the same brush. The only way I can be respected by him, is to stay out of it a hundred per cent. And restrict my comments to only the most important. To establish and state my moral authority. No mothering. No feelings. No vacillating. No blame. In this way potentially my son can begin to respect me, if I stay out of his stuff. If he can respect me he has a chance to sort his stuff and begin to respect himself. [/QUOTE]
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